depression
Sara Stanizai
From Survival to Softness: Lessons from The ...

by Brianna Patti.

“It can be easier to believe resting is simply about retiring to your bed when you are tired instead of beginning the messy process of deconstructing your own beliefs and behaviors that are aligned with white supremacy and capitalism. You must be committed to studying how training under the abusive teachings of dominant culture has you bound and limited. This is healing work. This is justice work. When we are aligned against the ideas of the oppressive culture, we understand we didn’t arrive on Earth to be a tool for a capitalist system.”

― Tricia Hersey, Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto

Like many therapists, I have a very long list of books that I try to keep up with. This job benefits from constant learning, and I get really excited when a client mentions something that’s directly related to what I’ve read recently. If you’re under the capitalistic spell of hustle culture, body shame, and/or a sense of disappointment about the aesthetics of the clutter in your home, stick with me on this one. 

From Survival to Softness: Lessons from The Body Is Not an Apology, Rest Is Resistance, and How to Keep House While Drowning
Sara Stanizai
Understanding Grief: Beyond the Five Stages

by Sara Stanizai, LMFT

There’s a common, half-joking sentiment that therapists and their clients think “everything is trauma.” I tend to think that everything is grief.

What if power imbalances, trauma, depression, relationship struggles, differentiating from your family, self-esteem, or anything else that brings you therapy was actually related to grief? If you boil down a lot of our pain, it often contains some part of the grieving process. We struggle to adjust to changes and loss in one form or another. And yet, grief is often treated as a mysterious syndrome that we try to avoid but know we can’t.

This isn’t to downplay the extremely painful loss of a loved one. But on a much, much smaller scale, we are often experiencing a version of grief every time we lose something.

Understanding Grief: Beyond the Five Stages
Sara Stanizai
Life is Hard, Be Kind: Acceptance & ...

by Tiffany Hooton, LMFT

It seems that every day the ongoing trainwreck that is the current sociopolitical landscape brings me one uneasy step closer to embracing Doomerism - which, if you’ve been lucky to avoid the word, refers to an excessively pessimistic and fatalistic worldview. This may seem a somewhat problematic position for someone working in the mental health field, who is, ostensibly, tasked with assisting others to climb out of their own despair, anxiety, and doubt, but it nonetheless brings into sharp focus the various moral, ethical, and existential dilemmas many of us are grappling with on daily basis:

How do we continue living in an environment that appears to be fundamentally hostile to life? How do we reconcile a belief in human rights and dignity with the reality that a portion of everything you earn funds the very bombs used to destroy the lives of innocent people abroad? How do we protect the communities we care about when we ourselves are powerless? How do we behave morally while engaging in an immoral system?

And, while I certainly don’t know the answer to those questions, I do know that these are moments which challenge us - to reflect, to listen, to act. For people who find themselves frustrated with injustice, mired in feelings of powerlessness, and fearful of the future, this can mean slowing down, learning to regulate their emotions, and getting connected with their values. Below, I’ll share a few tools to do just that:

Life is Hard, Be Kind: Acceptance & Commitment Therapy for When You Don't Know What to Do.
trans affirming therapy
Sara Stanizai
Banned Words, Trans Lives, and the Stakes of ...

by Andrew Kravig

 

Every single day, we hear folks talking about how these are “unprecedented times.” Which is true, of course. These times do feel overly “unprecedented.”  But what does that mean? What does it actually mean, as a lived experience, to chart an existence in a world where there is not an instruction manual or reliable guideposts to help you navigate?

Banned Words, Trans Lives, and the Stakes of Being “Illegal”
couples therapy
Sara Stanizai
Navigating Inter-cultural Relationships: You ...

by Sara Stanizai, LMFT

All relationships are inter-cultural. 

We all carry our own personal, familial, cultural, national, spiritual, and other contexts with us as we try to connect with each other. 

Some of these differences are more recognizable than others. While these relationships are often rich in love and learning, they can also present unique challenges that require open communication, empathy, and a keen understanding of power dynamics. 

As a licensed marriage and family therapist and a student of Relational Life Therapy, I often draw upon the principles of RLT to help couples navigate these complexities. 

Navigating Inter-cultural Relationships: You Are More Than a Partner

Trauma Bonding: How to Recognize the Cycle and Break Free

Trauma Bonding: How to Recognize the Cycle and Break Free

Some of the hardest challenges we face in life can connect us deeply to others.

Winning a championship with your recreational softball team, getting to the end of a show week, or making it through that last deadline with your coworkers. Moments like these can create lasting relationships with the people who stayed, even when we were down in the dirt.

But what happens if the person you went through hell with caused the hell? More than that—what if you like them being around but feel conflicted about the levels of stress and toxicity they bring you?

That’s called a trauma bond. Feeling emotionally connected to the perpetrator of your prolonged abuse. Sometimes it can be tricky. You may feel like you have to take the bad with the good. And generally that’s true. But if the “good” parts only come at the price of negative experiences, and you feel obligated to tolerate or look past things that don’t sit right with you, there’s a good chance you are involved in a trauma bond.

(Contrary to popular belief, trauma bonding is not bonding with someone over each of your own past traumatic incidents.)

Trauma bonding is characterized by what feels like “hot and cold” manipulation, so that you emotionally and physiologically, feel bonded to whatever (or whomever) provides the first semblance of safety.

This is not only the case in abusive family or romantic relationships, but often strong group dynamics that require intense physical and psychological devotion, such as military training, spiritual cults — even some workplaces TBH.

Let’s talk about recognizing the cycle of trauma bonding and how you can eventually break free of it.

Are Ultimatums in Relationships Ever a Good Idea?

Are Ultimatums in Relationships Ever a Good Idea?

I was asked to contribute to an article at Dame inspired by the Netflix original show, The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On.

I had heard of the show, but didn’t binge watch it until AFTER I contributed to this article. (My opinion didn’t really change after I finally did watch it, though.)

Essentially, I explained that boundaries are limits that we hold ourselves to. Ultimatums are expectations we put on others. And while boundaries preserve relationships, ultimatums threaten them.

Perfectionism is Not Polite

Perfectionism is Not Polite

It’s natural and a sign of high self esteem to want to improve yourself. The main difference between wanting to do better and wanting to do the BEST is how you view mistakes, shortcomings, or flaws. The person striving for improvement sees their mistakes as a natural part of the process, not as a sign of failure. The perfectionist sees their flaws as cancelling out any good they have done.

The pandemic has burdened a lot of our social circles from seeing each other as often as we did in the past.

This may not be the popular opinion, but a lot of us are fine with that. For many people, less emphasis on socializing has been a relief.

Introverts, people with social anxiety, busy parents, people paying down credit card debt. A bunch of us were glad to not have to look for parking every weekend.

However, you may have been feeling lonely and isolated this whole time. And it may not be just because of the pandemic. Perhaps something deeper is at play?

If you spend so long coming up with the right thing to say that you delay interacting with anyone, your problem could actually be perfectionism. This, in fact, is great news!

While we can’t control the ebbs and flows of the world outside, we can always control how we choose to face it. Let’s talk about why overcoming your perfectionism could be the key to several ongoing problems in your life.

What is Survivor's Guilt?

What is Survivor's Guilt?

Living in a globalized world has its benefits, like waltzing into a grocery store and getting any fruit and vegetable, regardless of the season. However, knowing everything that’s going on in the world at all times is a recipe for anxiety, especially when there is so much heartache and pain. Even if you live a relatively comfortable daily life, you can be affected by Survivor’s guilt.

Essentially survivor’s guilt is a range of emotions, persistent thoughts, and related habits that affect people who have survived an incident that others did not. The intensity of feelings can be affected by whether you directly or indirectly witnessed the event, knew those involved personally, how traumatic the incident was, and other factors.

Survivor’s guilt can contribute to making major life decisions, and it can affect your day to day interactions. You may start to ask yourself: When does gratitude become guilt?

Coming Out Later in Life

Coming Out Later in Life

First of all, I don’t like the term Coming Out. I actually don’t like the term Later in Life either.

But I needed a pithy title for this post so here we are.

Coming Out implies there is a secret that you are revealing. But our identities aren’t “secrets.” They’re just things about us that are hidden behind other people’s assumptions. That’s on them, not you.

Later in Life implies there is a time to figure yourself out, and that time is the first 20 years of life. But anyone over the age of 20… or 40…. knows that we don’t figure a lot of things out before then.

Anyway that’s not what this is about.

The good thing about getting older is learning so much about yourself. However, understanding the difference between a change in your libido is totally different than questioning your entire sexual orientation. Self-exploration, especially about fundamental things about ourselves, isn’t a luxury many people feel they have the time and resources for. We are often not at the top of our own priorities list.

So what do we do with those nagging thoughts and feelings that just don’t seem to be going anywhere?

How to Get Through the Day When You're Depressed

How to Get Through the Day When You're Depressed

If you have lived with depression for any amount of time, you know the frustrating and exhausting experience of acting like your usual self. Basic tasks take all your energy. You’re irritable, disinterested, and moody. But people seem to only want the “normal” version of you, so you keep this struggle to yourself.

Inside, you can hardly remember the last time you were that person.

Unfortunately, we can’t pause the outside world so we can calm our inner world. Solutions like therapy and medication can be successful, but they take time to work.

Instead of waiting around for your depression to disappear, buy yourself some time by practicing strategies that help you get through the day.

Anxiety After Social Distancing

Anxiety After Social Distancing

It’s OK if you’re not ready to “go back to how things were.”

As the weather warms up for summer and COVID fatigue reduces public inhibitions, many places are returning to “normal”: Kicking masks, social distancing, and isolation to the curb.

If you spent the past two years carefully avoiding face-to-face interactions with people outside your bubble, it can be pretty jarring.

You may be thinking, “What did I use to wear to work?” or “Were awkward silences after someone finishes speaking this long before?”

You might be painfully aware of people sharing drinks while watching your favorite re-runs.

And heaven help the person who coughs in public.

You’ve adjusted to an almost always virtual world, so returning to an in-person world can be anxiety-inducing.

Fret not—you’re not alone, and there are things you can do to make the transition easier.

How Do I Know if I Have Adult ADHD?

How Do I Know if I Have Adult ADHD?

No matter how you feel about your ADHD, learning more about it may help put things in perspective. There is more knowledge and understanding than ever about how ADHD influences our whole wellbeing, including our mental health, relationships, job satisfaction, and more. Many people find comfort in learning the names of their lifetime of experiences. They finally have a key to the map of their nervous system.

What's So Great About Neurodiversity?

What's So Great About Neurodiversity?

Neurodiversity is the range of brain functions and behavioral traits that differ across the human experience. Unfortunately, you may have heard about it in the context of mental illness. However, the stigma and misconceptions around neurodiversity are losing ground.

Neurodivergent folks today are growing more comfortable expressing their frustration at their neurotypical counterparts having unrealistic expectations of them.

Instead of discussing neurodivergence and its less-than-ness to neurotypicality, why don’t we flip the script? Neurodivergence is just as present as neurotypicality is. Our world is just built to better support one over the other.

Don’t let that fool you—the world needs more confident neurodivergent folks! Embrace exactly who you are by seeing your “weaknesses” as the STRENGTHS they truly are.

Avoidant Attachment: How to Build Empathy for Others

Avoidant Attachment: How to Build Empathy for Others

Avoidant attachment often gets a bad rap. But the truth is, it’s just another set of relational patterns - neither good nor bad.

An important part of inner healing is developing a healthy sense of self-awareness. While we should validate our feelings, we shouldn’t just accept every behavior that spawns because of those feelings. We’re allowed to feel insecure, but does that mean we should lash out at our loved ones? We’re allowed to be angry with our partner, but does that mean we should stonewall them? Of course not!

Step one is accepting our own emotions. Step two is noticing how those emotions inspire our behaviors and stepping in before they happen so we can remain in the driver’s seat.

What Our Friend Break-Ups Can Teach Us

What Our Friend Break-Ups Can Teach Us

Platonic relationships can teach us just as much (if not more) about ourselves than romantic or other types of relationships.

If you’ve been through a friend break-up, you know how impactful it can be.

Why do we break up with friends, and what can we learn from the experience? As it turns out, you can glean lots of information about yourself through your friend break-ups.

Can You Be Co-Dependent with Your Therapist?

Can You Be Co-Dependent with Your Therapist?

Codependency is a relationship dynamic where an unhealthy reliance on each other keeps two or more people locked in a repeating dysfunctional pattern.

I often say therapy should be the only one-sided relationship you have! Therapists put their personal needs aside to make a safe space for you to practice relating to people in a more balanced way.

It can be possible to transfer the same dysfunctional patterns onto your relationship with your therapist. Here are four signs that might be happening.

Are Childhood Trauma and Anxiety Connected?

Are Childhood Trauma and Anxiety Connected?

You’ve been feeling anxious lately, but you know you don’t have any of the telltale symptoms of an extreme anxiety disorder, like PTSD. We know from studying PTSD that feelings of anxiety can develop because of childhood trauma. Even the classic depiction of it involves being so bogged down by anxiety from a trigger that it mentally places you right back in your traumatic past.

But what about the anxiety that doesn’t seem connected to a specific event? The kind you can’t really put your finger on? You may ask yourself: do I have any underlying trauma that’s making me anxious? Let’s talk about the connection between childhood trauma and anxiety.

What to Do If You Feel Lonely in Your Relationship: 5 Tips from a Therapist

What to Do If You Feel Lonely in Your Relationship: 5 Tips from a Therapist

If you or your partner has changed and not checked in with each other in a while, the love of your life can feel like a stranger. Maybe you stopped having sex or feel like you need to vent about the disconnect to your best friend instead of your partner.

These are pretty good signs it’s time to pause and breathe some new life into your relationship. Here are five tips from a therapist to help you alleviate feelings of loneliness.

But Home is Nowhere: What to do for your mental health when your home country is under attack by your new country

But Home is Nowhere: What to do for your mental health when your home country is under attack by your new country

Today, we live among entire generations of Afghans who had no choice but to be born into a life of conflict. In your family, you may have witnessed or heard stories of violence, lost loved ones, lasting war injuries, family separation, and more — all of which are traumatic events that can lead to lasting mental health implications. The resulting issues such as PTSD, substance use disorders, depression, anxiety, OCD, and others, can be traced back to the pain of forced displacement.

How do you care for your mental health when your physical needs are met?

Mindfulness in a Crisis: What to Do When You Can't Do Anything

Mindfulness in a Crisis: What to Do When You Can't Do Anything

When things go wrong in our lives, it’s a natural response to try to fix it. Humans have thrived through our problem-solving skills, and they come in handy every day. Sometimes, however, things happen that are out of our control. They’re out of our hands to solve and it feels helpless. Or, sometimes, more damage is done by trying to maintain control in an out-of-control situation. In situations like these, the best thing to do in the moment is to take a step back and try to find peace in other ways.

Nonbinary is Not "Woman Lite": What Ally Language Gets Wrong

Nonbinary is Not "Woman Lite": What Ally Language Gets Wrong

To avoid misgendering someone or coming off as behind-the-curve, I feel like I’m seeing more and more allies (ahem, especially therapists) overcompensate. No one wants to be cancelled or seem out of touch. But how many of those people are actually invested in changing the way they view the world, and using language to reflect those changes?

While it’s great that you want to learn about people who have a different gender identity than you, let’s be clear. A person’s ability to be inclusive is not directly correlated with how many buzzwords they can memorize. Plus, if that’s all you rely on, your clients will see right through you and notice your bias when they interact with you. Regardless of how many rainbow flags are on your website.

Feminist Therapy 101

Feminist Therapy 101

Feminist therapy isn't just sessions on a couch spent only talking about women. It's an approach to therapy that recognizes the dynamic and intersectional realities of existing today. It acknowledges and dismantles the impact of the power structures outside of the person's experience.

So while a non-feminist focused therapist would help a person with their trauma internally, a feminist therapist considerers the outside forces that contribute to that trauma (or that anxiety, depression, etc.).

Feminist Therapy is an approach to psychotherapy. You can be a feminist and a therapist. You can also be a Feminist Therapist.

The Least Wonderful Time of the Year: Seasonal Depression and How to Cope with it

The Least Wonderful Time of the Year: Seasonal Depression and How to Cope with it

Cozy sweaters. Hot chocolate. Holidays focused on food and gifts. Waking up to a snow-covered lawn. For some people, winter is the literal best time of year. But it’s a whole different story for the SAD people. The winter months bring about colder weather and shorter days, which means seasonal depression/anxiety or (SAD) seasonal affective disorder for some people.

Convenient to Long Beach and Seal Beach at:

4510 E Pacific Coast Hwy, #540, Long Beach, CA 90804

contact@prospecttherapy.com | (562) 704-4736