Some of the hardest challenges we face in life can connect us deeply to others.
Winning a championship with your recreational softball team, getting to the end of a show week, or making it through that last deadline with your coworkers. Moments like these can create lasting relationships with the people who stayed, even when we were down in the dirt.
But what happens if the person you went through hell with caused the hell? More than that—what if you like them being around but feel conflicted about the levels of stress and toxicity they bring you?
That’s called a trauma bond. Feeling emotionally connected to the perpetrator of your prolonged abuse. Sometimes it can be tricky. You may feel like you have to take the bad with the good. And generally that’s true. But if the “good” parts only come at the price of negative experiences, and you feel obligated to tolerate or look past things that don’t sit right with you, there’s a good chance you are involved in a trauma bond.
(Contrary to popular belief, trauma bonding is not bonding with someone over each of your own past traumatic incidents.)
Trauma bonding is characterized by what feels like “hot and cold” manipulation, so that you emotionally and physiologically, feel bonded to whatever (or whomever) provides the first semblance of safety.
This is not only the case in abusive family or romantic relationships, but often strong group dynamics that require intense physical and psychological devotion, such as military training, spiritual cults — even some workplaces TBH.
Let’s talk about recognizing the cycle of trauma bonding and how you can eventually break free of it.
How to Know If You’re Stuck in the Cycle of Trauma Bonding
These are often very compelling relationships that we feel we can’t explain.
They may feel good — really good — in the beginning. We feel like we’ve finally found a place to belong, or like we’ve known the person for past lifetimes. Pay attention to magical thinking and all-or-nothing feelings about the person or group.
This phenomenon is hard to pin down, but many therapists believe it is related to past traumas that we are trying to repair in the present day. We often developed very sophisticated tools for getting what we want out of someone who withheld that very thing from us.
Think about how you view this person. Do you know exactly what tips them off—what you need to do to keep their temper under wraps? Are you suspicious of people who point out their abusive behavior? Do you find yourself excusing their behavior because it seems confusing to those outside the relationship? Phrases like “You don’t know them like I do," or “They are different around me,” for example, are red flags.
These could be signs that you’re stuck in the cycle and need help to get out. You may show signs of PTSD, like:
Constant feelings of intense fear
Hypervigilance, even in non-threatening environments
Overreactions to slight mishaps
Depression or constant irritation
Frequent social and emotional shutdowns
Hesitancy trusting others
Trouble focusing
Detachment from the world around you
Tactics the Abuser Uses to Maintain Control
One of the distinctions between a trauma bond and a typical abusive relationship is that in a trauma bond, the abusive person feels just as tied to you as you do to them. They too get a primary or secondary benefit from the bond, and are trying to repair a personal deficit from their own past.
In a more cut-and-dry abusive relationship, the abuser may feel transactional, or even cold toward their target. In a trauma bond, the abuser will feel as though they need the other person, or that they are showing benevolence.
In either case, abusers use force and manipulation to generate fear and emotional or physical dependence in their targets. They may throw things aggressively, flash a weapon, or emotionally abuse you with name-calling and humiliation tactics. They may isolate you from friends or family, picking fights or playing the victim about imaginary slights. When you try to bring up their problematic behavior, they may gaslight you into doubting your own memories and values.
Ask yourself: how many genuinely important decisions do you make in your relationship with this person? How many do they make? Do they ever ask for your thoughts or consider your perspective when you offer it? Loss of control is a huge sign of trauma bonding.
Examples of Trauma Bonding
Abusers make their victims feel like they are helpless and vulnerable without the abuser. Victims may feel dependent on them, even though they’re hurtful to be around. They may feel powerless, insecure, and even grateful for the times the abuser doesn’t carry out their threats.
Moments like these can make you feel like your relationship is growing stronger as if they never really mean it; they just say it.
Trauma bonds often develop in relationships between:
A child and a parent
The kidnapped and the kidnapper
A spiritual follower and a religious leader
A prisoner and a guard or officer
Romantic partners
What these relationships have in common is their prolonged abuse within a captive setting. Healthy relationships don’t work this way.
Mutual respect, feeling physically and emotionally safe, sharing responsibilities, and a willingness to hear each other out (so you can meet each other’s needs) characterize healthy relationships. If it feels imbalanced, it probably is.
Breaking Free of a Trauma Bond
Really think about the relationship, and come to your own conclusions. (Without their input.) If you’re being dead honest with yourself, do you think this relationship is healthy?
Try not to blame yourself—you are not at fault for being manipulated. Maintaining a relationship will be unlikely, so be prepared to cut them off completely. Leaving is often the riskiest part of an abusive relationship, as the person in control will do everything they can to maintain it. If speaking to loved ones doesn’t feel like an option, work with a counselor or other professional to develop a safe exit plan.
EMDR Therapy for Trauma and Healthy Relationships in Long Beach and California
Prospect Therapy is a queer + trans affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA, with a focus on mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy for a variety of mental wellness and relationship concerns to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we bring lived experience to our work with people of all ages in our communities by requesting a consultation below.