do phone calls with your parents leave you feeling frustrated?
How many times have you left their home feeling disconnected from the people you love the most?
They ask what’s going on in your life, but they don’t seem to hear your answer.
Do you dread the family gatherings you used to love when you were a kid?
Do you end up sitting alone at holidays, giving one-word answers to the same old questions? (Why don’t they just ask what they really want to know…)
“When are you getting married?” Are you going to marry someone acceptable?
“What are you studying in school?” Did you get a PhD yet?
“Where are you working now?” Do you make an impressive amount of money?
Do you have a love-hate relationship with your family?
You’re grateful for their sacrifice, but resent their expectations.
You want them to be part of your life, but they don’t seem to care about who you are as a person.
They know you better than anyone, but they only know a version of you.
The Adult Children of Immigrants Group (yes, formerly the “Tiger Mom” group) is enrolling now.
Meetings are held online; you may join from anywhere.
The first meeting is on Tuesday, August 2 from 5:00pm to 6:15pm PST. The last meeting is on September 27.
The total cost of the program (for this round only) is $697.
What do we cover in group?
Week 1: Welcoming. Sharing our stories of where we come from and where we want to go.
Week 2: Origins. What was it like growing up for you?
Week 3: Ancestors. What role do extended family and ancestors play for you?
Week 4: Community. How do we heal friendship wounds and find a place in our social circles?
Week 5: Love lives. We discuss dating in or out of the culture and how to negotiate cultural differences.
Week 6: Career. How to manage performance anxiety, pressure from family/self, and figure out what you really want to do.
Week 7: Justice. What is our responsibility to each other in today’s political climate?
Week 8: Ceremony. Celebrate your takeaways and integrate new ideas.
Join the Adult children of immigrants Support Group
so you can:
Become confident in sharing your choices of career, relationships, or lifestyle with your family
Sleep better at night knowing you’re not chasing validation for things that were never important to you
Find fulfillment in your career and relationships
Actually enjoy family dinners!
Call your mom just to chat. (For real this time.)
Decide how and when to pick your battles
Speak up for yourself without being “disrespectful”
Create a meaningful relationship with your parents and stop being treated “like a kid”
Set limits that protect you but still have your family in your life
Undo the depression of feeling isolated
Undo the anxiety of feeling “not good enough”
Did you grow up with a “Tiger Mom”?
A Tiger Parent is an extremely strict disciplinarian who emphasizes academic achievement above all and demands excellence of their children. It typically refers to Asian parents, but more broadly applies to families of all ethnicities.
If you are a first-generation or immigrant American, you may have had this experience.
Very strict and demanding upbringing. Not just your typical "tough mom."
Emphasis on grades. If you bring home an A, "Why not an A+?" If you bring home an A+, "Why didn't you do extra credit?"
After-school tutoring. Kumon, anyone? Music lessons AND sports.
Focus on appearances. Can't make the family look bad!
Conformity as a virtue.
Expressing needs or speaking up for yourself is seen as being ungrateful, or becoming too American.
Impact of being a child of immigrants
It's not all bad! Strict childhoods can create successful adults.
Children of immigrants often feel proud of their values and heritage. Many first-generation Americans feel thankful for the hard work our parents dedicated to making sure we had every opportunity. Without them, we wouldn't be who we are.
But we grow up straddling two worlds. First-generation Americans have a unique relationship with adulthood in white America.
For us, life inside the home isn't any clearer.
We don't want to be ungrateful. We don't want to "betray" our families by choosing a different path.
We struggle with feelings of inadequacy, invisibility, and guilt. Nothing is ever good enough. We second-guess ourselves, even at our most successful.
We walk a thin line between pressure as motivation, and pressure holding us back.
This can contribute to intense anxiety and depression. Especially for people who seem to "have it all."
ok, but Why Join a group?
We get the hesitation.
You probably imagine an awkward, cold, "all-purpose community room" in the back of a strip mall. With bad coffee and a 12-step vibe. (No shade, 12-step.)
It's hard enough sharing with a therapist in private, let alone an entire room of strangers. Especially when your family doesn't believe in therapy. You're not sure if you do, either. You learned not to show any vulnerability in public. Expressing needs is indulgent.
But guess what? You already know the benefits of finding a group.
You've spent your life feeling like an outsider. How does it feel when you meet someone who gets it?
What happens in group?
We'll explore questions like:
Why do I feel resentment and love at the same time? Is that normal?
Literally how do I prepare for this family visit so that I don't lose my cool again?
Why do I feel like a rock star with my friends, but as soon as I get around my family, I feel like a failure because I'm not a neurosurgeon? (Neurosurgeons welcome.)
What role does perfectionism play in my life? How does it help? How does it hurt?
In what ways do I hold privilege and experience oppression compared to my friends and colleagues?
Build community.
Share your story.
Change habits that no longer serve you.
Make peace with your past.
Enrolling now
Join the next round of Adult Children of Immigrants. Submit your information below and we’ll contact you with next steps.
All ethnicities and identities welcome. All genders and sexualities welcome.