The pandemic has burdened a lot of our social circles from seeing each other as often as we did in the past.
This may not be the most popular opinion, but a lot of us are fine with that. For many people, less emphasis on socializing has been a relief.
Introverts, people with social anxiety, busy parents, people paying down credit card debt. A bunch of us were glad to not have to look for parking every weekend.
However, you may have been feeling lonely and isolated this whole time. And it may not be just because of the pandemic. Perhaps something deeper is at play?
If you spend so long coming up with the right thing to say that you delay interacting with anyone, your problem could actually be perfectionism. This, in fact, is great news!
While we can’t control the ebbs and flows of the world outside, we can always control how we choose to face it. Let’s talk about why overcoming your perfectionism could be the key to several ongoing problems in your life.
Perfectionism Works Against Human Nature
Evolutionarily speaking, humans need to work together to meet their basic needs. From the dawn of time, we had to collaborate with hunters, gatherers, caretakers, leaders, spiritual guides, and medical experts to survive. The inherent goal of perfectionism is to do everything perfectly, on the first try and on your own. This completely contradicts our innate desire to connect with and learn from others.
In fact, people who feel strongly tied to their communities show lower rates of depression and anxiety overall. On the other hand, social disconnection has been linked with higher blood pressure, higher levels of stress hormones, and fatigued immune systems.
So trying to show up perfectly works against you and your friends.
How Perfectionism Threatens Your Relationships
We can break perfectionism down into two parts. It is a personality trait that (1) strives for a set of irrational standards, which are (2) upheld by harsh self-criticism.
When a set of irrational standards defines your life, it is unlikely that you will often meet them. This will regularly leave you feeling deflated, insecure, and hopeless. Plus, believing you need to accomplish these alone fuels more of a competitive drive than it does a collaborative one. This threatens your ability to create meaningful relationships with others.
Even more, perfectionists often hold unrealistic standards for their friends and family. This can cause resentment to fester, as perfectionists become hypersensitive to every statement and action they make.
If you find yourself being irritated by others’ relatively reasonable shortcomings (honest mistakes, messiness, etc), take a look inward and see if these are your own high standards for yourself that you are projecting onto someone else.
Research suggests that the number of people you have in your life is not as important as the quality of your relationships. If you see all of your relationships as not-good-enough, you can feel as depressed and anxious as someone who has no one around.
Perfectionism vs. Self-Improvement
It’s natural and a sign of high self esteem to want to improve yourself. The main difference between wanting to do better and wanting to do the BEST is how you view mistakes, shortcomings, or flaws.
The person striving for improvement sees their mistakes as a natural part of the process, not as a sign of failure. The perfectionist sees their flaws as cancelling out any good they have done.
Being “Perfect” Does Not Guarantee You Love & Acceptance
Staying quiet until you have the perfect words to say will not benefit your relationships. Instead, it gives you time to neglect them. (And it puts the responsibility on them to do your emotional labor of saying how you feel.) The longer you hold yourself back from the life you want, the longer you let life pass you by.
Give your loved ones the authenticity they deserve. Allow yourself the space to be imperfect and the grace to improve. (Not get it right next time, just improve in general.)
Practice imperfection in small ways, like these:
Test out a perfectionistic prediction. Do something you fear will lead to judgment on purpose and see how it actually turns out. Ex: sending an email with a typo.
Reminisce on the times you enjoyed imperfect circumstances. Have you ever had fun on a rainy day? Or added the wrong ingredient and ended up loving the taste? What makes these “imperfect” times different from the imperfection you currently avoid?
Flip perspectives. If a friend told you they held themselves to this standard, how would you see them? What would you tell them?
Perfectionism and White Supremacy
Don’t see how these are connected?
The characteristics of how a “perfect” person behaves, thinks, looks, etc. are generally highly correlated with a specific culture. And socially acceptable mannerisms, dress, language, goals, habits, I could go on….all fall into a dominant, mainstream culture. Interrogate where these come from and what they uphold.
For example, the idea that it’s more polite to be quiet and wait to speak your turn - excludes many people and cultures. For many of us, it’s considered rude if we don’t know what you’re thinking.
In some homes it’s considered rude to take an extra helping of dessert. But for others, declining an extra serving of food is like a slap in the face to your host!
I’m just saying, perfectionism compels us to be individualistic and withholding. That’s not necessarily polite or conducive to connection in many, many cultures.
Working with a therapist can help you realize that the standards you hold for yourself are much higher than those you have for others. Give yourself the gift of grace that you give your loved ones.
Therapy for Anxiety and Perfectionism in Long Beach and California
Prospect Therapy is a queer + trans affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA, with a focus on mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy for a variety of mental wellness and relationship concerns to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we bring lived experience to our work with people of all ages in our communities by requesting a consultation below.