All relationships are inter-cultural.
We all carry our own personal, familial, cultural, national, spiritual, and other contexts with us as we try to connect with each other.
Some of these differences are more recognizable than others. While these relationships are often rich in love and learning, they can also present unique challenges that require open communication, empathy, and a keen understanding of power dynamics.
As a licensed marriage and family therapist and a student of Relational Life Therapy, I often draw upon the principles of RLT to help couples navigate these complexities.
Understanding Different Roles and Power Dynamics in Inter-Cultural Couples
You are more than just each other’s partner.
You most likely hold values of equity and respect for each other as partners, and try to be cognizant of each others’ needs. You may have a shared vision of what it means to be a partner, and to have one.
In an inter-cultural couple, you will also have to recognize the different roles you play outside of the relationship. In RLT, we emphasize the importance of understanding power dynamics and how these can affect intimacy.
In many relationships, societal factors such as race, gender, and cultural background create power differentials that can impact how partners relate to one another. For instance, one partner may experience privilege based on their gender, racial or cultural identity, while the other may face systemic barriers and discrimination for theirs. This discrepancy can lead to feelings of inequity, resentment, or misunderstanding – even though you see each other as equal partners, you can not operate as such. This requires you to see your partner as more than that, and can lead to confusion when you forget to.
RLT encourages couples to openly discuss and even compensate for these dynamics and recognize how they influence their interactions. By acknowledging these roles, partners can work toward creating a more equitable relationship where both individuals feel valued and heard.
What are your priorities as a couple?
One exercise I often have couples do is rank the following priorities:
Self
Relationship
Work
Extended Family
Social life
Which would be first on your list? What about your partner’s list? Do they have to be the same?
Understanding and respecting each other’s priorities is another essential consideration in relationships. Each partner may prioritize different areas of their lives – and they may feel obligations and pressure from their culture to do so. If their partner doesn’t recognize or accept this (even if they mean well), it can cause big discrepancies in the relationship, even when communication and companionship generally seem to be OK.
In therapy, couples can engage in transformative conversations about their values and how these priorities impact their relationship. RLT encourages partners to prioritize equity by acknowledging that while they may occupy different cultural spaces, they can still work together to support one another's needs. This might involve setting shared goals or finding compromises that honor each partner's priorities. For example, if one partner values family gatherings while the other prioritizes career advancement, they can create a plan that balances both, such as alternating family events with career-related activities.
Embracing Cultural Differences and Navigating Patriarchy
A third strategy for success in interracial relationships is to embrace and celebrate cultural differences while being mindful of the societal pressures that can influence these dynamics. In many cultures, patriarchal structures demand hierarchy, often positioning one partner above the other. This hierarchy can create barriers to intimacy and connection. RLT posits that patriarchy is the enemy of intimacy, as it fosters power imbalances that can undermine the relationship. It is impossible to have true intimacy with someone if you are not in a same-as position. (Yes, this means we often have to compensate for privilege differentials outside of your relationship.)
To combat these influences, couples can actively work on maintaining equity within their relationship. This can be achieved through open communication, where both partners express their needs and desires without fear of judgment. Relationships are not a free-for-all, however. The trade off for expressing needs is also balancing them with accountability. What are you willing to offer your relationship in order to get what you need out of it?
Couples can also practice intentional acts of equity, such as sharing household responsibilities, decision-making, and emotional labor. For instance, they might take turns planning date nights or managing finances, ensuring both partners feel equally invested in the relationship. Additionally, couples should seek opportunities to learn about each other’s cultures, traditions, and histories. This not only fosters appreciation for one another's backgrounds but also empowers both partners to contribute equally to the relationship, challenging any ingrained notions of hierarchy.
Inter-Cultural Couples Therapy
Relationships like these can be incredibly fulfilling, full of love and shared experiences. However, they also come with unique challenges that require deliberate effort and understanding. By acknowledging the different roles each partner plays, having open communication about priorities in different areas of life, and embracing cultural differences while navigating power dynamics, couples can cultivate a strong and resilient partnership. If you are navigating the complexities of an interracial relationship, consider exploring the benefits of couples therapy, particularly through the lens of Relational Life Therapy. Together, we can work towards fostering understanding, equity, and intimacy in your relationship, creating a space where both partners feel valued and respected. Remember, while the journey may be challenging, it can also be deeply enriching and rewarding with commitment and support.
Read more about couples therapy here.