by Sara Stanizai, LMFT
There’s a common, half-joking sentiment that therapists and their clients think “everything is trauma.” I tend to think that everything is grief.
What if power imbalances, trauma, depression, relationship struggles, differentiating from your family, self-esteem, or anything else that brings you therapy was actually related to grief? If you boil down a lot of our pain, it often contains some part of the grieving process. We struggle to adjust to changes and loss in one form or another. And yet, grief is often treated as a mysterious syndrome that we try to avoid but know we can’t.
This isn’t to downplay the extremely painful loss of a loved one. But on a much, much smaller scale, we are often experiencing a version of grief every time we lose something.
The Five Stages of Grief
Grief is a complex and deeply personal journey that everyone experiences differently. Often, when people think about grief, they refer to the widely recognized "Five Stages of Grief," a model introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. This model includes five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Each stage represents a different response to loss, and while many people may move through these stages, it’s important to note that grief is not a linear process. People may cycle through these stages multiple times or experience them in a different order, depending on their unique situation.
Denial: This initial stage serves as a buffer for the shock of loss. Individuals may refuse to accept the reality of their situation, which can help them cope with the overwhelming feelings that accompany grief.
Anger: As the reality of the loss sets in, individuals may feel anger toward themselves, others, or even the deceased. This stage is often a way to express the deep pain and frustration that accompanies grief.
Bargaining: In this stage, individuals may attempt to negotiate with a higher power or their emotions, often wishing they could reverse the loss or change the outcome. It reflects a desire to regain control in a situation that feels hopeless.
Depression: As the weight of the loss becomes more apparent, individuals may experience deep sadness and despair. This stage often involves feelings of hopelessness and isolation.
Acceptance: Finally, acceptance does not mean being "okay" with the loss but rather coming to terms with it. It involves finding a way to move forward while still holding onto the memories of the loved one.
While the Five Stages of Grief provide a helpful framework for understanding the grieving process, it’s essential to recognize that there are other models that can also offer valuable insights.
The Four Tasks of Mourning
Another model is the "Four Tasks of Mourning," developed by William Worden, which emphasizes acceptance as the first step in the grieving journey. The Four Tasks of Mourning outline a process that can help individuals navigate their grief in a constructive way:
Accept the Reality of the Loss: While the five stages model leaves this to the end, Warden’s model starts here. The first task involves acknowledging the loss and recognizing that it has occurred. This acceptance is crucial for beginning the healing process. It allows individuals to confront their feelings and understand that their loved one is no longer physically present.
Experience the Pain of Grief: The second task encourages individuals to fully experience the emotions associated with their loss. This may include sadness, anger, or even relief. It's important to allow oneself to feel these emotions rather than suppress them. By processing the pain, individuals can begin to heal.
Adjust to a World Without the Deceased: The third task involves making the necessary adjustments to life after the loss. This may mean finding new routines, roles, or relationships that align with the new reality. It can be challenging to navigate this adjustment, but it’s an essential part of moving forward.
Find a Way to Remember the Deceased: The final task emphasizes the importance of finding a way to maintain a connection with the deceased through memories, rituals, or other meaningful ways. This task allows individuals to honor their loved ones while also embracing life without them.
Other forms of grief
Grief, however, is not limited to bereavement or the loss of a loved one. People can experience grief in various forms, including the loss of identity, changes in relationships, job transitions, or even moving to a new location. Adjustments and changes that disrupt our sense of stability can evoke feelings of loss and grief. For example, someone may grieve the loss of their former self after a significant life change, such as becoming a parent or retiring from a long-held career. Even positive changes, like starting a new job, can bring about feelings of uncertainty and nostalgia for what was left behind. Understanding that grief can manifest in many ways can help individuals validate their feelings and recognize that it is a natural response to various life transitions.
You might even be experiencing anticipatory grief as you reckon with mortality or an upcoming, unavoidable change. Or disenfranchised grief as you experience a loss that is not acknowledged by others. Or grief’s cousin, survivor’s guilt if you were adjacent to a loss but did not experience it yourself.
It’s important to recognize that grief is a unique emotional response. It’s more than anxiety, depression or trauma. Although it can have elements of all of these. It’s more than simply feeling sad or numb, overwhelmed, or fearful. Grief is its own process, and it’s OK to treat it as such.
When to seek therapy for grief
Many people may not feel ready to seek therapy immediately after a loss. In fact, clients often report that they might not come to therapy until a year or more after the event. In the early stages of grief, the primary focus is often just about getting through each day. There can be an understandable urge to rush into therapy in hopes that it will alleviate the pain. However, it’s crucial to normalize the experience of grief and understand that there is no quick fix. The pain of losing a loved one cannot be simply reduced or erased, especially in those early days.
I’m not saying this to be harsh. But it does help to manage expectations and normalize your experience. We want the pain to go away, and it can be disappointing to rush into a therapy office and still feel like shit when you leave.
As time passes, some individuals may begin to feel "stuck" in their grief. This is often when therapy can become particularly effective and supportive. While therapy can be beneficial at any stage in the grieving process, it can be especially helpful when you feel overwhelmed, numb, or as if you are not making progress. Many people may try to force themselves to engage in therapy, expecting that they should be crying or expressing their emotions in a specific way. It’s essential to remember that it’s okay to feel however you are feeling, and that therapy can provide a safe space to explore those feelings without judgment.
Grief as a spectrum
Another helpful model to consider is understanding grief as a spectrum. On one end, you may find yourself springing into busy action, managing affairs, taking the lead on arrangements, and maybe attempting to avoid your emotions. On the other end, you may feel frozen, unable to take on any tasks at all, and overwhelmed by your emotions. If you find yourself feeling stuck in one of these extremes, therapy can offer gentle guidance to help you move toward the middle of the spectrum. This movement can allow you to find balance, enabling you to both acknowledge your feelings and engage with life’s demands.
For example, when you feel completely overwhelmed, it might help to break things down into smaller, manageable tasks. Setting a small goal can provide a sense of accomplishment and help you feel a bit more in control. Conversely, for when you are staying busy and avoiding your feelings, it’s important to carve out time to allow emotions to surface. Engaging with emotional media, such as a sad movie or book, can provide a safer way to access those feelings. For instance, crying over Rachel McAdams in The Notebook, or putting on your most emo playlist can be a way to connect with emotions without directly facing your own grief.
While the Five Stages of Grief is a classic framework for understanding loss, exploring models like the Four Tasks of Mourning and the spectrum of grief may be more relatable for you. And remember, grief can manifest in many forms and is not solely tied to bereavement. If you find yourself feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure about your grief journey, you don’t have to start right away, but you might be ready for therapy. Therapy can be a valuable resource at any point in the grieving process, offering you a space to explore your emotions and find a path toward healing. Remember, you don’t have to navigate this journey alone. Seeking help is a sign of strength, and support is available to guide you through this challenging time.
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