First of all, I don’t like the term Coming Out. I actually don’t like the term Later in Life either.
But I needed a pithy title for this post so here we are.
Coming Out implies there is a secret that you are revealing. But our identities aren’t “secrets.” They’re just things about us that are hidden behind other people’s assumptions. That’s on them, not you.
Later in Life implies there is a time to figure yourself out, and that time is the first 20 years of life. But anyone over the age of 20… or 40…. knows that we don’t figure a lot of things out before then.
Anyway that’s not what this is about.
The good thing about getting older is learning so much about yourself. However, understanding the difference between a change in your libido is totally different than questioning your entire sexual orientation. Self-exploration, especially about fundamental things about ourselves, isn’t a luxury many people feel they have the time and resources for. We are often not at the top of our own priorities list.
So what do we do with those nagging thoughts and feelings that just don’t seem to be going anywhere?
How do you reckon with being gay for 15 years only to realize you’re actually bisexual?
Are you second-guessing your attraction to your partner because you’re in the middle of a dry spell, or because you were never actually attracted to them in the first place?
What if you built your entire life around being a man but always had some deeper instinct that you’re a woman?
Working with a therapist is a great way to sort out these complex questions. Between societal expectations, a lack of self-awareness, or a suppressed sex drive, there are many things that can keep you hidden from yourself for years. What if you lived in a home or community that didn’t let you explore who you are? Or what if you worked really hard to build a life you love, only to panic when it feels like it’s no longer right for you?
Let’s dive into how to express your truth after spending a lifetime without it.
Craving change doesn’t necessarily mean you were living a lie before.
It’s okay to outgrow the things you thought would matter forever. It’s also okay if the things you “outgrew” suddenly matter again. Life has its ebbs and flows. It’s not about getting ahead of the curves, it’s about riding the waves like a surfer. Be curious about the changes happening in your body and your soul. Question what you’ve always known to be true if it doesn’t feel right anymore. For more support, use a therapist as a backboard with which to question everything!
No matter what you end up deciding, remember that it’s just as permanent as your sexuality was before, which is not really permanent. It’s okay to experiment!
Acknowledge different times, but don’t let them suppress you.
While today’s youth are more open-minded about sexual orientation and gender identity than any other generation, not everyone has that mindset.
Some people come out at 16 while others come out at 60. You may hesitate out of fear of total abandonment or loss of safety. Today’s middle-aged population can still remember times when “cross dressing” could get a person arrested, fired, or killed.
While we have anti-discrimination laws today, there are still holes in the system and prejudiced people in power who serve as great threats.
Studies show that coming out has wondrous benefits for your mental health.
Feeling like you’re living in secret can heighten levels of anxiety. You may be in a hypervigilant state more often than your body can support, raising the potential for heart problems later on. Living in a toxic environment where people don’t accept you for who you are can also lead to lower self-esteem and chances of depression or suicide. Studies show that “conversion therapy” especially links with higher rates of suicide.
Coming out, however, can greatly reduce stress hormones. Feeling like you even have the right to explore your sexuality can be liberating, even if you end up staying the same.
So, what can you do about coming out later in life?
Answer questions honestly. Be prepared to explain yourself to family and friends, as they may be curious about what it means for them. You’re allowed to set boundaries by saying, “While my sex life is private, I’m happy to talk about how my decision may affect this family.”
Expect loss and growth. Some people may leave your life. Strict religious organizations may ban you from re-entry. However, connecting with other LGBTQ+ people can introduce you to a side of friendship and connection you never thought possible.
Cater your social feeds to show more LGTBQ+ content. Keep your profiles positive by following queer content creators who make you feel seen and part of something bigger. Having a sense of community is one of the biggest contributors to better mental health.
Schedule an appointment with a therapist to explore your identities in a safe space. We believe everyone deserves to feel embraced exactly as they are, even if they’re not sure what that is right now. Come where you are welcome and start therapy today.
Therapy for LGBTQ+ communities in Long Beach and California
Prospect Therapy is a queer + trans affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA, with a focus on mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy for a variety of mental wellness and relationship concerns to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we bring lived experience to our work with people of all ages in our communities by requesting a consultation below.