Does your partner often accuse you of being inconsistent, shutdown, or hot-and-cold?
Avoidant attachment often gets a bad rap. But the truth is, it’s just another set of relational patterns - neither good nor bad.
An important part of inner healing is developing a healthy sense of self-awareness. While we should validate our feelings, we shouldn’t just accept every behavior that spawns because of those feelings. We’re allowed to feel insecure, but does that mean we should lash out at our loved ones? We’re allowed to be angry with our partner, but does that mean we should stonewall them? Of course not!
Step one is accepting our own emotions. Step two is noticing how those emotions inspire our behaviors and stepping in before they happen so we can remain in the driver’s seat.
Self-Regulation 101
In healthy relationships, partners should feel welcomed to share concerns with their partner without fear of retaliation or defensiveness. Avoiding an explosion like this requires self-regulation, or the ability to notice, control, and respond to our emotions in a way that makes sense for the situation at hand.
Self-regulation presents the opportunity to problem-solve with your partner without sacrificing your self-confidence. It also allows you to act in tune with your long-term goals more than your short-term feelings.
How You May Currently Respond to Emotional Stress
Children with avoidant attachment were taught that their parents either did not care about their emotions or were not equipped to deal with them.
As adults, those with avoidant attachment…
Ignore what they can’t control and focus on what they can. (Career, diet, exercise, drug or alcohol use, etc.)
Repress unpleasant feelings, convincing themselves they’re not real or relevant.
Avoid loved ones instead of seeking them out for support.
Choose to complain or sulk instead of asking for help.
“Get ahead” of problems by erasing them. (Breaking up instead of working together or quitting a job instead of accepting criticism.)
Having Empathy for Others When They’re Upset with You
Tapping into someone else’s feelings is a lot easier when you agree with them. If your friend is complaining about their terrible boss, it’s easy to feel for them because no one likes having a terrible boss.
Empathizing with someone who’s frustrated with your behavior is a totally different beast, though.
It requires a few key skills…
Vulnerability. This means acknowledging to yourself, “Yes, I might be doing something wrong.” That’s okay! Doing one thing wrong does not discount the many amazing things about you, so don’t respond to your partner like that’s what they’re saying.
Assume Positive Intent. When your partner shares concerns with you, it’s NOT because they’re out to get you. It’s because they want to improve the relationship as a whole. Believe it!
Challenge Your Inner Critic. Get into the habit of looking for evidence when your inner critic prevents you from emotional closeness. For example, you may think, “They don’t love me, they’re only saying this to hurt me.” Remind yourself of the times they showed you love, and learn to see this as another way they’re showing you love: by holding you accountable for your actions (or inaction).
Showing Gratitude for Their Vulnerability. Think about how hard it is for you to talk about your feelings. If your partner can do it, they must have some real guts! Before you let what they say take hold of your emotions, take a moment to show your appreciation for their honesty and willingness to talk to you.
Role-reverse. The easiest way to practice empathy is to consider the same situation with the roles reversed. How would you feel? What would you want from your partner? What’s the best way they could respond to you? Now, respond to them in that way.
Try Therapy. Reworking the thinking patterns you’ve relied on for years is hard work. That’s why we have therapists!
Attachment Style Therapy in Long Beach and California
Individual or couples therapy can help you learn more about how your avoidant attachment style affects you, and how you can work through it to live the most authentic, fulfilling life possible.
Prospect Therapy is a queer + trans affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA, with a focus on mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy for a variety of mental wellness and relationship concerns to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we bring lived experience to our work with people of all ages in our communities by requesting a consultation below.