relationships
Sara Stanizai
Are Family Roles for Life?

By Sara Stanizai.

In my previous post, we explored how childhood dynamics shape our adult relationships, identifying common roles such as the Hero Child, Scapegoat Child, and Lost Child. Understanding these roles is the first step toward healing our relationships, but the real work lies in transforming these ingrained patterns into healthier relational dynamics.

Maybe you resonated with one or more of these roles. But now what?

What do you do when you feel stuck in these relationship patterns from your family?

According to Relational Life Therapy, understanding and using the basic concepts of the Adaptive Child, Wounded Child, and Wise Adult can help guide your journey toward healthier relationships.

Are Family Roles for Life?
relationships
Sara Stanizai
Heroes, Scapegoats, and Lost Ones: How ...

By Sara Stanizai

It might be a therapy cliche, but our family roles profoundly shape who we become as adults.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this (and sharing with my clients) especially recently. I’m making my way through a certification and training with my therapy hero, Terry Real, an LCSW and the founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

In our trainings, he sheds light on the specific roles children often adopt within their families of origin. These roles—such as the Hero Child, the Scapegoat Child, and the Lost version of each of these—can have lasting effects on our behaviors and relationships as we navigate adulthood.

This especially resonates as I run the Eldest Daughters group and do more research on the impact of birth order on our mental health. It’s never as cut and dry as eldest/middle/youngest/only.

Understanding these roles can help us identify patterns in our romantic relationships, friendships, and professional lives, providing a pathway to healing and personal growth that we may not find in traditional therapies.

Which one are you?

Heroes, Scapegoats, and Lost Ones: How Childhood Dynamics Shape Adult Relationships
relationships
Sara Stanizai
No Contact: Navigating the Decision to Cut Ties

Like many pop psychology terms, people really throw around the idea of “going no contact.” It can be tempting to cutting ties with someone in your most heated moment — and it’s true, it can ultimately be beneficial to move on with your life.

But if you value community care, and wanting to do right by the people in your life, it can be confusing to figure out when and if it’s the right decision, and how to ethically do it.

What does going no contact actually mean and how can it help or harm you? How do you know if it’s the right decision for you? Have you truly done all you can - and should you?

No Contact: Navigating the Decision to Cut Ties
Sara Stanizai
What is Trauma-Informed Therapy?

The phrase “trauma-informed” is being thrown around all over the internet, but what does it actually mean?

Being trauma-informed goes beyond simply acknowledging the existence of trauma and its effects on mental health. Trauma-informed therapy is an actual approach to care that revolves around specific core principles. What a skilled therapist does with those principles, and how they implement them in the therapy room, will vary.

How we generate trust, safety, choice, collaboration and empowerment for our clients depends on what you have experienced in the past and what you might need now. (It’s those. Those are the principles.) This involves a deliberate and thoughtful approach to therapy that influences every choice we make as a therapist, both in session and when setting up our practice.

If you’re seeking therapy or if you’re a therapist yourself, it’s crucial to understand this concept so that you know how therapy works — and if it’s working for you.

What is Trauma-Informed Therapy?
Nik Stancil
"Therapy never worked for me": CBT isn't enough ...

Most of my clients have been to therapy before. Many have tried therapy several times over their life, but they never felt it was that helpful or they found it difficult to find a therapist who was a good fit. There are plenty of reasons why this might be the case, and this post aims to explore one of the main offenders: a very common type of therapy practiced is CBT, and using CBT alone may not be a great choice for neurodivergent brains. 

"Therapy never worked for me": CBT isn't enough for neurodivergent clients seeking long-term healing

What is Inherited Family Trauma & How to Heal

What is Inherited Family Trauma & How to Heal

Many of us have family members who struggled through The Great Depression. Families had to cut back on expenses, save everything, and live in a period of great scarcity. Despite this event happening two generations ago, the habits and responses we still have from that trauma continue to be passed down. Though many of us have not faced the same kind of economic crisis as The Great Depression, we live in its shadow because of inherited family trauma.

Inherited family trauma is when a child is indirectly exposed to the trauma of a parent, who was likely exposed to the trauma of their parent, which leads to a dangerous cycle. The parent could end up placing the child in the same situation without meaning to. If you do not confront your trauma, you will not be able to help your child going through the same thing. You will be helpless as a family instead of a united force.

Here are ways that you all can heal from inherited family trauma.

Five Habits That Change When You Begin to Trust Yourself

Five Habits That Change When You Begin to Trust Yourself

What is self-trust?

It’s more than self-compassion, or self-esteem. It’s not thinking you’re great all the time, or ignoring your faults. It’s also not beating yourself up for mistakes, or “not living your highest potential.”

Self-Trust is a byproduct of integrating all the parts of yourself and radically accepting them.

When you start to internalize acceptance of yourself, it changes the way you operate in the world. These are five habits that change when you begin to trust yourself:

Anticipatory Grief: Seeing the Signs and Knowing the Symptoms

Anticipatory Grief: Seeing the Signs and Knowing the Symptoms

Grief is a very weird experience.

It’s both extremely personal and universal. It is common but also unpredictable.

It’s even more strange to deal with anticipatory grief.

What is anticipatory grief?

Anticipatory grief is the grief that sneaks up on you before you have even experienced the actual loss.

When you know the loss of a loved one is imminent, for example, you may experience grief for that person while they are still living. Watching a loved one decline is always difficult. Despite what you hope, a terminal diagnosis means the time you have left is brief. Every moment is precious.

But, what happens when you are grieving while this person is still alive? Does that mean something is wrong with you for experiencing these earlier emotions at a time that seems inappropriate? This is called anticipatory grief, which occurs before death. Anticipatory grief is rarely discussed because of the shame of feeling deep pain before anything has happened. Let’s talk about the signs and symptoms of anticipatory grief.

Being the Token Friend: How to Deal with the Stereotype of the Model Minority

Being the Token Friend: How to Deal with the Stereotype of the Model Minority

We all make judgments about the people we know or meet. We’re literally wired to do this. Our brains want to find similarities among things and put them in the same category.

It becomes a problem when we do this to people. You know, because people aren’t objects, animals, or abstract concepts. Then it stops being a natural tendency for order, and becomes a stereotype.

When we stereotype people, we unfairly put them into a narrow box of expectations. These stereotypes are particularly harmful for minority groups (aka the global majority) who are to be seen and valued for more than their appearance or presentation.

The “token friend” is a person of a minority group in a majority friend group. This is when they are treated and viewed like an outlier, even among their peers.

This friend is often used to make someone feel satisfied that they’ve crossed the race, gender, or sexuality divide. If you find yourself in the position of being a token friend, you know the pain of being painted into a narrow box. This weighs heavily on one’s mental health because they are not valued as a complete person. Here are the consequences of being a token friend and how to deal with being the stereotype of the model minority.

Relational Trauma and its Lasting Impact

Relational Trauma and its Lasting Impact

Hear me out.

Let’s say you have a broken blender at home. Every time you try to make a smoothie, it tips off the counter and splashes your fruit purée all over the kitchen floor. Sometimes you can salvage some of the smoothie, but most of the time, it just leaves you hungry, flinching, and trying to block out the loud whirring, while covered in a mess of mangled fruit and yogurt. You end up feeling like you’ll never get that refreshing sip you came for!

Abusive relationships are similar in that they leave us with reflexive jumpiness, feelings of mistrust, emptiness, and hopelessness. Although instead of fearing fruit purée, we end up fearing people. Sometimes people we love deeply.

But your relationships don’t have to feel like a broken blender. Finding those healthy relationships may not always be as easy as driving to the store and picking up a new appliance, but there are steps you can take and principles you can follow to avoid the traumatic mess of unhealthy relationships. Here are some pointers to help you identify and avoid toxic relationships and the damage they leave behind.

Burned-Out & Overwhelmed: How Depression Affects First Responders

Burned-Out & Overwhelmed: How Depression Affects First Responders

Superhero movies have dominated Hollywood for at least a decade. Ironically, this may be leading us to take real-life heroes for granted. First responders are the ones who run toward a crisis or disaster. They are emergency medical personnel, disaster response teams, firefighters, and more. They are the people you turn to in the worst moments of your life.

They put their bodies on the line every day. Yet, it’s more than that. First responders can face a massive emotional toll during a typical workday.

Sure, they chose their career. Yes, they are essential to every community. But we cannot underestimate the potentially traumatic conditions under which they operate. This helps to explain why depression, anxiety, and related concerns are not uncommon among these professionals.

What is the Difference Between PTSD and C-PTSD?

What is the Difference Between PTSD and C-PTSD?

Imagine: You’re moving through your workday, like usual, handling the day’s joys and stresses like the boss you are. When, all of a sudden, it feels like the world around you has changed. For the worse.

Your heart drops into your stomach, your body feels vulnerable and exposed, and then you begin to feel confused about where you are or what you were doing.

Mentally, emotionally, and perhaps even physically, you feel like you were just dropped back into the worst day of your life. You’re immobilized. Bracing. Waiting for it to happen all over again.

That is what a flashback feels like, for people experiencing PTSD. But what does a flashback feel like for individuals experiencing C-PTSD?

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can set in after experiencing a single, horrific event. Think of things that happen in a flash, like being in a car accident, grieving the death of a loved one, or experiencing assault.

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) can set in after experiencing repeated trauma. Instead of going through a key event once, it’s caused by living through a lengthy and highly stressful period of time. This includes chronic or repeated experiences.

Unlike those diagnosed with PTSD, who experienced a single, existentially-threatening event, those diagnosed with C-PTSD may have experienced an entire childhood of abuse, ongoing domestic abuse with a partner, being a prisoner of war, or experiencing abuse or harassment in a long-term workplace. This complex stress can arise from a series of major events or from prolonged micro-aggressions. We all know that trauma isn’t defined by the scale of the event, but rather by the person’s ability to cope with the event(s). This means that a lifetime of experiencing micro-abuses, neglect, aggression, etc., can produce the unique web of hypervigilant pain and wounding that we clinically refer to as C-PTSD.

Leaving the Masjid but Keeping the Faith

Leaving the Masjid but Keeping the Faith

Organized religion has its blessings and its curses. On one hand, it saves you a seat within a larger community focused on mutual values and faith. On the other, it can pressure you to meet norms of conventionality by suppressing certain parts of yourself.

This is especially true for Muslims in America. Not only can performing public displays of faith be even harder because of the stereotypes they face from mainstream culture, but there are many mosques and religious communities who may not accept you for your experiences or identities.

While you try to weigh the pros and cons, having to choose between yourself and your beliefs can cause serious mental health issues; not just anxiety or depression, but trauma and PTSD depending on the experience you had with your faith’s main leaders or elders.

Know that you don’t have to choose. You can leave the masjid, (or temple or church) while still keeping religion, faith, and spirituality in your life.

Trauma Bonding: How to Recognize the Cycle and Break Free

Trauma Bonding: How to Recognize the Cycle and Break Free

Some of the hardest challenges we face in life can connect us deeply to others.

Winning a championship with your recreational softball team, getting to the end of a show week, or making it through that last deadline with your coworkers. Moments like these can create lasting relationships with the people who stayed, even when we were down in the dirt.

But what happens if the person you went through hell with caused the hell? More than that—what if you like them being around but feel conflicted about the levels of stress and toxicity they bring you?

That’s called a trauma bond. Feeling emotionally connected to the perpetrator of your prolonged abuse. Sometimes it can be tricky. You may feel like you have to take the bad with the good. And generally that’s true. But if the “good” parts only come at the price of negative experiences, and you feel obligated to tolerate or look past things that don’t sit right with you, there’s a good chance you are involved in a trauma bond.

(Contrary to popular belief, trauma bonding is not bonding with someone over each of your own past traumatic incidents.)

Trauma bonding is characterized by what feels like “hot and cold” manipulation, so that you emotionally and physiologically, feel bonded to whatever (or whomever) provides the first semblance of safety.

This is not only the case in abusive family or romantic relationships, but often strong group dynamics that require intense physical and psychological devotion, such as military training, spiritual cults — even some workplaces TBH.

Let’s talk about recognizing the cycle of trauma bonding and how you can eventually break free of it.

Are Ultimatums in Relationships Ever a Good Idea?

Are Ultimatums in Relationships Ever a Good Idea?

I was asked to contribute to an article at Dame inspired by the Netflix original show, The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On.

I had heard of the show, but didn’t binge watch it until AFTER I contributed to this article. (My opinion didn’t really change after I finally did watch it, though.)

Essentially, I explained that boundaries are limits that we hold ourselves to. Ultimatums are expectations we put on others. And while boundaries preserve relationships, ultimatums threaten them.

Perfectionism is Not Polite

Perfectionism is Not Polite

It’s natural and a sign of high self esteem to want to improve yourself. The main difference between wanting to do better and wanting to do the BEST is how you view mistakes, shortcomings, or flaws. The person striving for improvement sees their mistakes as a natural part of the process, not as a sign of failure. The perfectionist sees their flaws as cancelling out any good they have done.

The pandemic has burdened a lot of our social circles from seeing each other as often as we did in the past.

This may not be the popular opinion, but a lot of us are fine with that. For many people, less emphasis on socializing has been a relief.

Introverts, people with social anxiety, busy parents, people paying down credit card debt. A bunch of us were glad to not have to look for parking every weekend.

However, you may have been feeling lonely and isolated this whole time. And it may not be just because of the pandemic. Perhaps something deeper is at play?

If you spend so long coming up with the right thing to say that you delay interacting with anyone, your problem could actually be perfectionism. This, in fact, is great news!

While we can’t control the ebbs and flows of the world outside, we can always control how we choose to face it. Let’s talk about why overcoming your perfectionism could be the key to several ongoing problems in your life.

What is Survivor's Guilt?

What is Survivor's Guilt?

Living in a globalized world has its benefits, like waltzing into a grocery store and getting any fruit and vegetable, regardless of the season. However, knowing everything that’s going on in the world at all times is a recipe for anxiety, especially when there is so much heartache and pain. Even if you live a relatively comfortable daily life, you can be affected by Survivor’s guilt.

Essentially survivor’s guilt is a range of emotions, persistent thoughts, and related habits that affect people who have survived an incident that others did not. The intensity of feelings can be affected by whether you directly or indirectly witnessed the event, knew those involved personally, how traumatic the incident was, and other factors.

Survivor’s guilt can contribute to making major life decisions, and it can affect your day to day interactions. You may start to ask yourself: When does gratitude become guilt?

Coming Out Later in Life

Coming Out Later in Life

First of all, I don’t like the term Coming Out. I actually don’t like the term Later in Life either.

But I needed a pithy title for this post so here we are.

Coming Out implies there is a secret that you are revealing. But our identities aren’t “secrets.” They’re just things about us that are hidden behind other people’s assumptions. That’s on them, not you.

Later in Life implies there is a time to figure yourself out, and that time is the first 20 years of life. But anyone over the age of 20… or 40…. knows that we don’t figure a lot of things out before then.

Anyway that’s not what this is about.

The good thing about getting older is learning so much about yourself. However, understanding the difference between a change in your libido is totally different than questioning your entire sexual orientation. Self-exploration, especially about fundamental things about ourselves, isn’t a luxury many people feel they have the time and resources for. We are often not at the top of our own priorities list.

So what do we do with those nagging thoughts and feelings that just don’t seem to be going anywhere?

How to Get Through the Day When You're Depressed

How to Get Through the Day When You're Depressed

If you have lived with depression for any amount of time, you know the frustrating and exhausting experience of acting like your usual self. Basic tasks take all your energy. You’re irritable, disinterested, and moody. But people seem to only want the “normal” version of you, so you keep this struggle to yourself.

Inside, you can hardly remember the last time you were that person.

Unfortunately, we can’t pause the outside world so we can calm our inner world. Solutions like therapy and medication can be successful, but they take time to work.

Instead of waiting around for your depression to disappear, buy yourself some time by practicing strategies that help you get through the day.

Anxiety After Social Distancing

Anxiety After Social Distancing

It’s OK if you’re not ready to “go back to how things were.”

As the weather warms up for summer and COVID fatigue reduces public inhibitions, many places are returning to “normal”: Kicking masks, social distancing, and isolation to the curb.

If you spent the past two years carefully avoiding face-to-face interactions with people outside your bubble, it can be pretty jarring.

You may be thinking, “What did I use to wear to work?” or “Were awkward silences after someone finishes speaking this long before?”

You might be painfully aware of people sharing drinks while watching your favorite re-runs.

And heaven help the person who coughs in public.

You’ve adjusted to an almost always virtual world, so returning to an in-person world can be anxiety-inducing.

Fret not—you’re not alone, and there are things you can do to make the transition easier.

How Do I Know if I Have Adult ADHD?

How Do I Know if I Have Adult ADHD?

No matter how you feel about your ADHD, learning more about it may help put things in perspective. There is more knowledge and understanding than ever about how ADHD influences our whole wellbeing, including our mental health, relationships, job satisfaction, and more. Many people find comfort in learning the names of their lifetime of experiences. They finally have a key to the map of their nervous system.

What's So Great About Neurodiversity?

What's So Great About Neurodiversity?

Neurodiversity is the range of brain functions and behavioral traits that differ across the human experience. Unfortunately, you may have heard about it in the context of mental illness. However, the stigma and misconceptions around neurodiversity are losing ground.

Neurodivergent folks today are growing more comfortable expressing their frustration at their neurotypical counterparts having unrealistic expectations of them.

Instead of discussing neurodivergence and its less-than-ness to neurotypicality, why don’t we flip the script? Neurodivergence is just as present as neurotypicality is. Our world is just built to better support one over the other.

Don’t let that fool you—the world needs more confident neurodivergent folks! Embrace exactly who you are by seeing your “weaknesses” as the STRENGTHS they truly are.

Avoidant Attachment: How to Build Empathy for Others

Avoidant Attachment: How to Build Empathy for Others

Avoidant attachment often gets a bad rap. But the truth is, it’s just another set of relational patterns - neither good nor bad.

An important part of inner healing is developing a healthy sense of self-awareness. While we should validate our feelings, we shouldn’t just accept every behavior that spawns because of those feelings. We’re allowed to feel insecure, but does that mean we should lash out at our loved ones? We’re allowed to be angry with our partner, but does that mean we should stonewall them? Of course not!

Step one is accepting our own emotions. Step two is noticing how those emotions inspire our behaviors and stepping in before they happen so we can remain in the driver’s seat.

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