By Sara Stanizai
It might be a therapy cliche, but our family roles profoundly shape who we become as adults.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this (and sharing with my clients) especially recently. I’m making my way through a certification and training with my therapy hero, Terry Real, an LCSW and the founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT).
In our trainings, he sheds light on the specific roles children often adopt within their families of origin. These roles—such as the Hero Child, the Scapegoat Child, and the Lost version of each of these—can have lasting effects on our behaviors and relationships as we navigate adulthood.
This especially resonates as I run the Eldest Daughters group and do more research on the impact of birth order on our mental health. It’s never as cut and dry as eldest/middle/youngest/only.
Understanding these roles can help us identify patterns in our romantic relationships, friendships, and professional lives, providing a pathway to healing and personal growth that we may not find in traditional therapies.
Which one are you?
The Hero Child
The Hero Child is falsely empowered to take care of everything and everyone. They typically emerge as the overachiever in the family, striving to gain approval and admiration from parents. This role often forms in families with high expectations, or where at least one parent is emotionally unavailable, prompting the child to seek validation through success. The Hero may feel responsible for maintaining family stability, often taking on significant responsibilities at a young age, which can foster a strong sense of competence and capability. However, this role can lead to pressure and perfectionism.
The hero child often goes by the name of peacemaker, referee, or golden child. They get power in their family from their competence, and the dismissal of their own needs. Think, “What would we do without them?”
This is how the Hero child grows up.
In romantic relationships, the Hero Child may struggle with vulnerability, fearing that their worth is tied to their accomplishments. For example, they might prioritize their partner's needs over their own, leading to imbalances in the relationship. In friendships, they may become the go-to person for support, often neglecting their own emotional needs. Professionally, they might excel in their careers but experience burnout due to their relentless pursuit of success at the expense of their personal needs.
The Scapegoat Child
The Scapegoat Child often becomes the family’s easy or automatic target for blame and negativity. This role can emerge in families with unresolved tensions or where one parent is frequently critical, leading to the child acting out as a means of expressing the family's underlying issues. They may serve as a distraction from deeper family conflicts, often leading to behavioral problems.
The scapegoat is often acting out the entire family’s dysfunction. Where everyone is trying to maintain the status quo, the scapegoat’s behavior is screaming, “There’s something wrong, and screw you for pretending there isn’t!”
This is how the Scapegoat grows up. In adulthood, Scapegoats may find themselves in turbulent romantic relationships, often attracting partners who reinforce their feelings of unworthiness. They may unconsciously seek out relationships in which they play a “problematic” role, or what the internet loves to call “toxicity.” They might engage in self-sabotaging behaviors or struggle with trust issues. In friendships, they may oscillate between feeling like the "problem" friend and seeking validation from others. Professionally, they might face challenges with authority figures, often feeling misunderstood or persecuted, leading to conflict in the workplace.
The Lost Child
You can have a Lost Hero Child or a Lost Scapegoat Child. This child is overlooked, either because they “don't need as much,” or because they “need too much.” As a result the Lost Child often feels overlooked and withdraws from family dynamics, exacerbating the primary role. For example, a Lost Hero will take their hyper-independence into overdrive, internalizing the messages from their family about needing to be a savior. A Lost Scapegoat will begin punishing themselves and disempowering themselves in various relationships, no longer needing their family to reinforce this messaging. Both may struggle to express their feelings and develop a sense of identity, leading to feelings of isolation.
As adults, Lost Children may find it challenging to form deep connections in romantic relationships. They might avoid conflict and suppress their emotions, leading to a sense of disconnection. In friendships, they may struggle to assert themselves, often feeling like an outsider. Professionally, they may excel in roles that require independence but struggle in collaborative environments, fearing that their input will go unnoticed.
The Evolution of Familial Roles
You might be reading this and relating to all three of these roles.
It’s important to note that these roles can evolve over time. A child might play different roles for each parent depending on the dynamics at play. For example, a child may be the Hero for one parent while being the Lost Child for another. Changes in family structure, such as divorce or the arrival of a new sibling, can also shift these dynamics, prompting a child to adapt to new circumstances.
In adulthood, individuals may find themselves shifting between roles based on their current environment or relationships. A person who was once a Scapegoat in their family of origin might take on the role of Hero in their friendships or workplace. Recognizing these shifts can provide insight into how past experiences continue to influence present behaviors and relationships.
What can we do about it?
Are we doomed to play these roles forever?
Understanding these childhood roles can be a powerful tool for self-discovery and healing. Recognizing how these roles manifest in our adult lives allows us to break free from useless patterns that may be affecting our relationships.
If you resonate with any of these roles and find that they impact your romantic relationships, friendships, or professional life, seeking therapy can provide a safe space to explore these dynamics. A therapist trained in Relational Life Therapy (like me!) can help you identify these patterns and work toward developing healthier relationships with yourself and others.
Embracing the journey of self-awareness and growth can lead to more fulfilling connections and a deeper understanding of your true self. Remember, it’s never too late to rewrite your narrative and create the relationships you desire.
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