Like many pop psychology terms, people really throw around the idea of “going no contact.” It can be tempting to cutting ties with someone in your most heated moment — and it’s true, it can ultimately be beneficial to move on with your life.
But if you value community care, and wanting to do right by the people in your life, it can be confusing to figure out when and if it’s the right decision, and how to ethically do it.
What does going no contact actually mean and how can it help or harm you? How do you know if it’s the right decision for you? Have you truly done all you can - and should you?
Understanding No Contact
Going no contact means just that: NO CONTACT. This choice goes beyond disagreements, boundary-setting, or temporary breaks. It’s a definitive step taken when you realize that a relationship is no longer serving you. It’s essential to differentiate between typical relationship ups and downs and situations that genuinely require cutting ties.
Everyone has their own reasons for going no contact.
If you’ve consistently communicated your needs and given chances for improvement, yet the other person remains indifferent or unable to engage in difficult conversations, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Remember, it’s not about keeping score or silently hoping things will change; it’s about recognizing when your well-being is at stake.
Therapeutic Tip:
Reflect on your feelings and the reasons behind your decision to go no contact. Journaling can be a valuable tool for processing your emotions. Write down your thoughts and feelings about the relationship, focusing on what you need and want moving forward. An old fashioned pros and cons list can come in handy. Especially if it forces you to be honest.
If you’re really up for it, share this list with a neutral third party (like a therapist) to see if you are missing something, or would benefit from an outside perspective. Sometimes we rehash the same narrative for so long, we don’t stop to think if it’s still true or relevant. This can help clarify your decision and affirm that it’s based on your well-being rather than the reaction of a wounded ego.
Recognizing When to Go No Contact
There are a variety of signals that it may be necessary to implement no contact:
1. Crossing Boundaries: If the other person has crossed a line that you’ve communicated as unacceptable, this can be a strong signal that the relationship is no longer healthy for you. In some instances, you may not even be able to or responsible for communicating that it’s unacceptable. In cases of abuse - it’s not your job to teach them how to be a good person, parent, partner, boss, friend, etc.
2. Inability to Communicate: If your attempts to discuss issues are met with avoidance or hostility, and they show no willingness to engage in honest dialogue, it might be time to step away. Sure, people may have a hard time in the moment - no one is perfectly calm when they are being challenged. But they should be able to collect themselves and continue the conversation.
3. Repeated Harm: If you find yourself repeatedly hurt by their actions, despite your efforts to talk things through, you may be in a cycle that’s damaging to your mental health. As they say, an apology without changed behavior is manipulation.
Therapeutic Tip:
Consider seeking support from a relational therapist. They can provide you with a safe space to explore your feelings and help you determine whether your decision is rooted in a healthy response to the situation or if old wounds are influencing your actions. A therapist can also hold you accountable as you navigate your emotions.
Remember, friends and family will always have a stake in your situation. They may be biased toward you (or not!!), they may have their own motives and opinions, or they may even have their own similar experiences in the past and let that influence their advice. It’s not a bad thing to rely on your loved ones for advice, but going outside your circle can also be helpful in new ways.
The Impact of No Contact on Your Emotional State
Choosing to go no contact can elicit a range of feelings, including grief, relief, guilt, pride, or even sadness. It’s normal to feel conflicted, especially if you’ve invested significant time and energy into the relationship or it means a lot to you. This time of year can amplify these emotions, whether it’s due to holidays, anniversaries, or shared memories.
While it can be distressing, no contact can also bring a sense of peace and clarity. By removing the constant emotional turmoil, you create space to focus on yourself and your healing. Sometimes getting some time and space helps you learn things you couldn’t see while you were in the situation.
Going no contact is not the end of your personal growth journey.
Some other considerations about going no contact
Grounding During Temptation
It’s normal to feel tempted to contact the person after going no contact. Grounding techniques can help you stay focused on your decision. Try deep breathing, mindfulness, or writing down how you’re feeling to help you stay calm and centered. Look back over your pros and cons list. Talk to a friend to remind you of why you made this choice in the first place. Recall memories that contributed to your decision - you might even notice new ones that you didn’t even think of at the time.
Clarify Your Reasons for No Contact
Understanding why you’re going no contact will help you stay firm in your decision. Whether it’s to protect your mental health, break free from abuse, or establish boundaries, having a clear reason can reduce self-doubt. Write down your reasons for going no contact, so you can refer back to them when you feel conflicted.
Set Clear Boundaries
No contact isn’t just about stopping communication; it’s also about maintaining a boundary that protects your emotional and mental well-being. Be specific about what “no contact” means for you (e.g., no phone calls, no social media interactions, no emails). You may enlist others to help you maintain these limits. You may have to also pull back from other relationships. Reflect on if the grief associated with these losses is worth the peace of mind and self-esteem you gain as a result.
Limit Exposure to Triggers
If the person you’re going no contact with has mutual friends or family members, it can be difficult to avoid hearing about them. Politely set boundaries with mutual acquaintances about what you’re comfortable discussing. Consider limiting exposure to conversations or social media content that might trigger you. There is a way to mention this to them without stirring up gossip or trying to get them to take a side. Focus on your own experience and clarify what this means for your relationship with them.
Prepare for Emotional Backlash
The person you’re cutting off may react with anger, guilt-tripping, or even manipulation. Being prepared for these responses can help you stay grounded. If you’re worried about potential emotional backlash, practice responses or simply plan to disengage calmly and without further explanation. Try not to get sucked into explaining or convincing someone else. Stick to what you know to be true for yourself.
Now, if they are able to take accountability and truly want to repair the relationship, that will be a decision you can make. Again, having an outside person help you prioritize what matters most to you will help you figure out if you want to try repairing the relationship. Remember, no contact isn’t the end of your personal development journey. If things have changed, you may be interested in repair.
Monitor Your Inner Dialogue
It’s easy to start doubting your decision if you have an inner critic. Be aware of negative self-talk and counteract it with positive affirmations or facts about why no contact is right for you. When negative thoughts arise (e.g., “Maybe I made a mistake” or “I’m being too harsh”), replace them with thoughts that validate your decision and self-worth.
Should I go no contact?
No contact is a significant step that should not be taken lightly. It’s essential to recognize when a relationship is no longer beneficial to your well-being and to have the courage to make that choice. By implementing grounding techniques, clarifying your reasons, setting clear boundaries, limiting exposure to triggers, preparing for emotional backlash, and monitoring your inner dialogue, you can navigate this challenging period with clarity and purpose. Remember, it’s never too late to make a better choice for yourself. Embrace the opportunity for healing and growth as you move forward.
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