By Sara Stanizai.
In my previous post, we explored how childhood dynamics shape our adult relationships, identifying common roles such as the Hero Child, Scapegoat Child, and Lost Child. Understanding these roles is the first step toward healing our relationships, but the real work lies in transforming these ingrained patterns into healthier relational dynamics.
Maybe you resonated with one or more of these roles. But now what?
What do you do when you feel stuck in these relationship patterns from your family?
According to Relational Life Therapy, understanding and using the basic concepts of the Adaptive Child, Wounded Child, and Wise Adult can help guide your journey toward healthier relationships.
Identifying your Family Role
The first step in transformation is recognizing the role you have adopted in your family of origin. Take some time to reflect on your relationships and interactions. Journaling can be a powerful tool for this. Ask yourself questions such as:
What was my job in my family growing up? Was it different at different ages? Or toward different people?
How do I react in stressful situations? Do I fixate and try to get others to see my side? Do I run and hide?
Do I find myself fulfilling certain expectations in my relationships?
By identifying your role, you create a foundation for understanding how it influences your behavior today. Read my previous post to learn more about these roles.
Understanding Triggers
Of course, we’re all mostly balanced, well-adjusted, healthy people, right? Actually, yes.
But under stress, or if we find ourselves in… let’s say familiar circumstances, our old faithful patterns can flare up. As you work to shift away from your childhood role, it’s you will start to notice triggers that bring old patterns to the surface.
For instance, if you were the Lost Child, you might feel invisible in social situations or overwhelmed when others seek your input. If you were a Hero Child, you might have a hard time accepting (or asking for) help. If you were a Scapegoat, you might set yourself up to fail before you even try to do something. Becoming aware of these triggers allows you to respond consciously rather than reactively.
RLT emphasizes the importance of relational awareness. This means recognizing when you slip into old patterns and understanding the context of your reactions. A therapist can help you explore these triggers in a safe environment, allowing you to process your feelings and responses.
The Adaptive Child and Wounded Child
In RLT, the concepts of the Adaptive Child and Wounded Child provide further insight into how our childhood experiences shape our adult behaviors.
The Wounded Child represents the parts of us that carry unresolved pain and trauma from our early experiences. This aspect can manifest in fear, self-doubt, and emotional reactivity in relationships. The Wounded Child is the very young part of you that experienced some type of neglect, trauma, or confusion. It’s the part that didn’t know any better.
The Adaptive Child is the aspect of ourselves that protected that Wounded Child. It learned to adjust to the demands of our environment, often at the expense of our authentic selves. It is the child’s version of an adult. This part can lead to people-pleasing behaviors, taking on the caregiver role, or perfectionism, as seen in the Hero Child. Or it can lead to recklessness and acting out as a Scapegoat.
The adaptive child is what helped you survive. It is intuitive, intelligent, and adaptive. It’s not unhealthy - it’s actually a very reasonable response from a young person responding to their environment. So stop beating yourself up for these tendencies, and have some respect and compassion for this part of you.
Recognizing these two aspects within yourself can be instrumental in the healing process, allowing you to differentiate between the adaptive behaviors that served you as a child and the wounded feelings that may still influence your reactions today.
Your job isn’t to eradicate these responses. We can’t therapy-out these natural human inclinations. But we can make sure we are aware of them, take their hands off the steering wheel, and put our inner grown up in charge.
Setting Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries is crucial for breaking free from roles like Scapegoat or Hero. This involves learning to say no and prioritizing your own needs. An RLT therapist can guide you through this process by helping you:
Communicate your needs clearly.
Practice assertiveness in your relationships.
Understand the importance of self-care.
As you establish boundaries, you will find that your relationships become more balanced, and you no longer feel responsible for the emotional well-being of others. You won’t completely withdraw from your relationships by skirting accountability, but you also won’t take over and feel responsible for everyone around you.
Practicing Vulnerability
Vulnerability is a cornerstone of healthy relationships. If you’ve been conditioned to hide your feelings (as a Lost Child might), it’s time to practice sharing your emotions and needs with trusted individuals. RLT encourages individuals to engage in “truth-telling,” where you express your authentic self to foster deeper connections.
Start small by sharing your thoughts with a close friend or partner. As you become more comfortable with vulnerability, you’ll find that it strengthens your relationships and allows for more genuine interactions.
Eventually, you’ll have the courage to speak up and let people know that you’re breaking patterns. You will even invite them to join you, if they want.
Building Emotional Awareness
Emotional awareness is essential for breaking free from childhood roles. RLT emphasizes the importance of recognizing and labeling your emotions to understand their impact on your behavior. Consider engaging in exercises that focus on emotional literacy, such as:
Keeping a feelings journal (or memo on your phone) to track your emotions.
Practicing mindfulness to stay present with your feelings. Keep getting more and more specific to help you grow your emotional language.
Exploring the connection between your emotions and your reactions in relationships.
By building emotional awareness, you’ll be better equipped to respond to challenges in a healthier way, reducing the likelihood of reverting to old patterns.
The Wise Adult
In contrast to the Adaptive Child and Wounded Child, the Wise Adult represents the nurturing, compassionate part of ourselves that can provide insight and support in our healing journey. This is the part of us that knows better and does better. Often, it is the parent you should have had. It can feel quite awkward and foreign, especially if you didn’t have a positive role model to help teach you what a Wise Adult is. This aspect encourages self-acceptance and the ability to approach challenges with wisdom and perspective. Engaging with your Wise Adult can help you:
Challenge negative beliefs that stem from your childhood roles.
Offer yourself the kindness and compassion you may not have received as a child.
Make decisions based on your authentic self rather than outdated patterns.
Cultivating your Wise Adult can empower you to respond to relational challenges from a place of strength, promoting healthier interactions and choices. It can also help you discern who gets to join you as you create a new relational life for yourself.
Seeking Support
Transformation is rarely a solitary journey. Seeking support from a qualified therapist, particularly one trained in RLT, can provide the guidance you need. An RLT therapist focuses on relational dynamics, helping you understand how your childhood roles manifest in your current relationships. They will work with you to:
Explore the impact of your family of origin on your present life.
Develop new relational skills that promote healthier interactions.
Challenge negative beliefs about yourself that stem from your childhood role.
Celebrating Progress
As you embark on this journey of change, it’s vital to celebrate your progress, no matter how small. A measure of health in relationships may include:
Improved communication with loved ones.
A greater sense of autonomy and self-worth.
The ability to express needs without fear of rejection.
But you’ll create your own list with your therapist. In your own language, that is relevant to your life. The problem people have with therapy is that it feels disconnected and out of touch. A relational therapist will help you apply these concepts in your own words.
In whatever way works for you, you will keep a record of your achievements, whether it’s successfully setting a boundary or sharing a vulnerable moment with a partner. Acknowledging your growth reinforces positive behaviors and motivates you to continue on your path toward healthier relationships.
Breaking free from childhood roles is a courageous and transformative journey. By identifying your role, understanding triggers, engaging with your Adaptive Child and Wounded Child, nurturing your Wise Adult, setting boundaries, practicing vulnerability, and building emotional awareness, you can create healthier dynamics in your relationships.
Remember, this process takes time and effort, but with the support of Relational Life Therapy and a commitment to change, you can cultivate deeper connections and a more fulfilling life. Embrace the journey of self-discovery and growth, and know that you have the power to redefine your narrative and create the relationships you truly desire.
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