Grief is a very weird experience.
It’s both extremely personal and universal. It is common but also unpredictable.
It’s even more strange to deal with anticipatory grief.
What is anticipatory grief?
Anticipatory grief is the grief that sneaks up on you before you have even experienced the actual loss.
When you know the loss of a loved one is imminent, for example, you may experience grief for that person while they are still living. Watching a loved one decline is always difficult. Despite what you hope, a terminal diagnosis means the time you have left is brief. Every moment is precious.
But, what happens when you are grieving while this person is still alive? Does that mean something is wrong with you for experiencing these earlier emotions at a time that seems inappropriate? This is called anticipatory grief, which occurs before death. Anticipatory grief is rarely discussed because of the shame of feeling deep pain before anything has happened. Let’s talk about the signs and symptoms of anticipatory grief.
Grief and Sadness
You may go through sadness at unexpected times. You could be watching a sentimental movie or hearing a particular song, and you can feel overwhelmed unexpectedly. The fear of future loss is a strange and powerful thing. Everyone experiences loss; however, coming into that reality can make us grieve before we even face it.
Anxiety and Grief
Anxiety has been described as a future-facing fear. While we cannot know what the future holds, sickness and disease remind us that our fates, and those of the ones we love, are delicate. Anticipatory grief can cause a heightened sense of anxiety, knowing what lies ahead. While we don’t know the time or place of death, we know its certainty.
Anger and Grief Symptoms
The awareness of death causes not only anxiety but also anger. This anger about loss is complex and deep. It’s not fair that we have to lose the people we love or that we will die ourselves. It’s also not fair that it can have such a profound effect before any loss occurs. Anger toward this injustice isn’t surprising or rare, and it is important to find the root cause and work through the feeling.
Survivor’s Guilt and Grief
Seeing someone suffer can make you feel guilty. You wish you could take away their pain, but know that you do not have the power to do so.
You could also be experiencing survivor’s guilt for still being here while your loved one dies; you continue living while they don’t have the chance to experience the things you do. If you are the one who is dying, you could be feeling guilty for the sadness you could be causing everyone else as they brace themselves for your death. It can be heartbreaking having to leave everyone you love.
Intense Concern and Preoccupation
If you are caring for someone who is sick, you might feel like you cannot leave them alone for fear of what will happen while you’re gone. Additionally, you might fear missing out on your own life when you can no longer live it. Anticipating death is a heavy burden, but processing your grief about the future can allow you to live in the fullness of life you have now.
A Desire to Talk
Whether you are preparing for the death of a loved one, anticipating the death of a loved one, or are facing your fears about your own death, it is always helpful to talk to someone. Death is not an easy topic of conversation and can feel very lonely.
Social isolation will only make you feel more alone. Find a support group full of people going through the same struggles as you to bond with. A mental health professional can create a personalized plan to help you if you are still struggling with anticipatory grief.
Read more about Therapy for Anxiety here.