By Sara Stanizai.
In my previous post, we explored how childhood dynamics shape our adult relationships, identifying common roles such as the Hero Child, Scapegoat Child, and Lost Child. Understanding these roles is the first step toward healing our relationships, but the real work lies in transforming these ingrained patterns into healthier relational dynamics.
Maybe you resonated with one or more of these roles. But now what?
What do you do when you feel stuck in these relationship patterns from your family?
According to Relational Life Therapy, understanding and using the basic concepts of the Adaptive Child, Wounded Child, and Wise Adult can help guide your journey toward healthier relationships.
By Sara Stanizai
It might be a therapy cliche, but our family roles profoundly shape who we become as adults.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this (and sharing with my clients) especially recently. I’m making my way through a certification and training with my therapy hero, Terry Real, an LCSW and the founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT).
In our trainings, he sheds light on the specific roles children often adopt within their families of origin. These roles—such as the Hero Child, the Scapegoat Child, and the Lost version of each of these—can have lasting effects on our behaviors and relationships as we navigate adulthood.
This especially resonates as I run the Eldest Daughters group and do more research on the impact of birth order on our mental health. It’s never as cut and dry as eldest/middle/youngest/only.
Understanding these roles can help us identify patterns in our romantic relationships, friendships, and professional lives, providing a pathway to healing and personal growth that we may not find in traditional therapies.
Which one are you?
Like many pop psychology terms, people really throw around the idea of “going no contact.” It can be tempting to cutting ties with someone in your most heated moment — and it’s true, it can ultimately be beneficial to move on with your life.
But if you value community care, and wanting to do right by the people in your life, it can be confusing to figure out when and if it’s the right decision, and how to ethically do it.
What does going no contact actually mean and how can it help or harm you? How do you know if it’s the right decision for you? Have you truly done all you can - and should you?
The phrase “trauma-informed” is being thrown around all over the internet, but what does it actually mean?
Being trauma-informed goes beyond simply acknowledging the existence of trauma and its effects on mental health. Trauma-informed therapy is an actual approach to care that revolves around specific core principles. What a skilled therapist does with those principles, and how they implement them in the therapy room, will vary.
How we generate trust, safety, choice, collaboration and empowerment for our clients depends on what you have experienced in the past and what you might need now. (It’s those. Those are the principles.) This involves a deliberate and thoughtful approach to therapy that influences every choice we make as a therapist, both in session and when setting up our practice.
If you’re seeking therapy or if you’re a therapist yourself, it’s crucial to understand this concept so that you know how therapy works — and if it’s working for you.
Most of my clients have been to therapy before. Many have tried therapy several times over their life, but they never felt it was that helpful or they found it difficult to find a therapist who was a good fit. There are plenty of reasons why this might be the case, and this post aims to explore one of the main offenders: a very common type of therapy practiced is CBT, and using CBT alone may not be a great choice for neurodivergent brains.
Platonic relationships can teach us just as much (if not more) about ourselves than romantic or other types of relationships.
If you’ve been through a friend break-up, you know how impactful it can be.
Why do we break up with friends, and what can we learn from the experience? As it turns out, you can glean lots of information about yourself through your friend break-ups.
Codependency is a relationship dynamic where an unhealthy reliance on each other keeps two or more people locked in a repeating dysfunctional pattern.
I often say therapy should be the only one-sided relationship you have! Therapists put their personal needs aside to make a safe space for you to practice relating to people in a more balanced way.
It can be possible to transfer the same dysfunctional patterns onto your relationship with your therapist. Here are four signs that might be happening.
You’ve been feeling anxious lately, but you know you don’t have any of the telltale symptoms of an extreme anxiety disorder, like PTSD. We know from studying PTSD that feelings of anxiety can develop because of childhood trauma. Even the classic depiction of it involves being so bogged down by anxiety from a trigger that it mentally places you right back in your traumatic past.
But what about the anxiety that doesn’t seem connected to a specific event? The kind you can’t really put your finger on? You may ask yourself: do I have any underlying trauma that’s making me anxious? Let’s talk about the connection between childhood trauma and anxiety.
If you or your partner has changed and not checked in with each other in a while, the love of your life can feel like a stranger. Maybe you stopped having sex or feel like you need to vent about the disconnect to your best friend instead of your partner.
These are pretty good signs it’s time to pause and breathe some new life into your relationship. Here are five tips from a therapist to help you alleviate feelings of loneliness.
Today, we live among entire generations of Afghans who had no choice but to be born into a life of conflict. In your family, you may have witnessed or heard stories of violence, lost loved ones, lasting war injuries, family separation, and more — all of which are traumatic events that can lead to lasting mental health implications. The resulting issues such as PTSD, substance use disorders, depression, anxiety, OCD, and others, can be traced back to the pain of forced displacement.
How do you care for your mental health when your physical needs are met?
When things go wrong in our lives, it’s a natural response to try to fix it. Humans have thrived through our problem-solving skills, and they come in handy every day. Sometimes, however, things happen that are out of our control. They’re out of our hands to solve and it feels helpless. Or, sometimes, more damage is done by trying to maintain control in an out-of-control situation. In situations like these, the best thing to do in the moment is to take a step back and try to find peace in other ways.
To avoid misgendering someone or coming off as behind-the-curve, I feel like I’m seeing more and more allies (ahem, especially therapists) overcompensate. No one wants to be cancelled or seem out of touch. But how many of those people are actually invested in changing the way they view the world, and using language to reflect those changes?
While it’s great that you want to learn about people who have a different gender identity than you, let’s be clear. A person’s ability to be inclusive is not directly correlated with how many buzzwords they can memorize. Plus, if that’s all you rely on, your clients will see right through you and notice your bias when they interact with you. Regardless of how many rainbow flags are on your website.
Feminist therapy isn't just sessions on a couch spent only talking about women. It's an approach to therapy that recognizes the dynamic and intersectional realities of existing today. It acknowledges and dismantles the impact of the power structures outside of the person's experience.
So while a non-feminist focused therapist would help a person with their trauma internally, a feminist therapist considerers the outside forces that contribute to that trauma (or that anxiety, depression, etc.).
Feminist Therapy is an approach to psychotherapy. You can be a feminist and a therapist. You can also be a Feminist Therapist.
Cozy sweaters. Hot chocolate. Holidays focused on food and gifts. Waking up to a snow-covered lawn. For some people, winter is the literal best time of year. But it’s a whole different story for the SAD people. The winter months bring about colder weather and shorter days, which means seasonal depression/anxiety or (SAD) seasonal affective disorder for some people.
Do you ever feel like despite knowing and wanting to do the best, you still make bad decisions? Maybe you keep seeing that same casual “friend” who hits you up with the “WYD?” text, even when the relationship is still toxic. Perhaps you repeatedly stay up late on a work night scrolling through TikTok videos, even when you know that you’ll be exhausted the next day.
In the words of icon Hannah Montana, everybody makes mistakes — it’s natural and human of us to do so. But when you cross the line between a one-off mistake and repeatedly making bad choices, you may be entering self-sabotage territory.
Every relationship requires three huge factors to be successful: communication, trust, and respect. You’re not the only person with skin in the game, so you need to have a level of faith in someone else. You have to believe that they’ll respect you and your boundaries. This can take a lot of work within two people. So how does trust happen in an open or polyamorous relationship?
Many people assume that jealousy doesn’t exist in an open relationship or that people don’t have the right to be jealous when they’re committing to multiple people in various ways. But this forgets a key part of all relationships - hello, there are humans involved! Humans have feelings, needs and wants.
People in open relationships do experience jealousy, and it’s completely valid — but how do you work through these feelings? Especially if you are new to non-monogamy?
Although it sounds like a qualifier for Velcro or glue, attachment style is a psychological term that describes how people relate to others.
The simplest way to describe them is in 3 different types: secure, avoidant-dismissive, or anxious-preoccupied. You’ve probably heard of attachment styles when it comes to romantic or familial relationships. While we do form different attachment styles in these relationships, we also develop them in other types of relationships. Did you know these also apply to your work relationships?
Okay, work spouses are a totally different thing. But have you ever considered the type of attachment style that you have with your job?
This isn’t just how we relate personally to our work (that’s called intrapersonal attachment, just FYI) - but is your job an intrinsic part of your identity? Something you take personally, and without it would be a different person? Or is it something utilitarian that you enjoy but check out of as soon as we’re “off the clock.” How much of ourselves does our job define?
Our attachment style reveals itself even more when it comes to how we relate to the people we work with (interpersonal attachment to our work environment). Do you stay out of the office drama? Or are you always the problem solver? How invested are you in the place where you work? And how invested do they need to be in you?
Many people spend a lot of time in the workplace and frequently interact with their boss or coworkers. So even though you may have never considered it, these relationships with attachment styles can apply to our job.
But why is it helpful to look at workplace attachment styles? Because it can help us be happier and find work that is more fulfilling. If you know what you need, it’s easier to find a workplace that will give you what you need. Added bonus? It also can show us how we can do the same in our personal relationships.
Anxiety is a beast. This emotion covers a vast range of feelings, thoughts, body responses, triggers, and so much more. It is simultaneously a casual term for small flutters in your stomach to intense disorders requiring therapy, medication, and more to function. Anxiety is extremely personal and individual, so it may manifest in different ways and for various reasons.
If you experience anxiety, you may find yourself worrying about many different things. Work, relationships, socializing, and family issues are just some of the everyday things that cause worry.
Though often overlooked or written off as something every does, anxiety over physical health is actually a common thing. But especially now, during the COVID-19 pandemic, people are more worried than ever before about their health.
While this worry is completely valid and can be based in a lot of facts, this worry about physical health is taking a toll on many peoples’ mental health — and possibly yours, too.
One of the most commonly misunderstood facts about attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is that it can affect anyone at literally any age. Though commonly diagnosed in childhood, many people go through their entire adolescence with ADHD — without realizing it. In fact, the older someone gets, the more difficult it can be to actually pinpoint and diagnose the signs or symptoms.
Adults may be more prone to write off symptoms as something else, like anxiety or stress. Especially if the thoughts, feelings, or struggles have been present their entire lives. But ADHD is far more than just fidgeting your leg or not being able to sit still. There are millions of adults who are living with ADHD but don’t know it. But they don’t have to.
Here are some of the unexpected signs of adult ADHD you may be struggling with buy may completely overlook as ADHD.
December 31 is my favorite day of the year! No matter what we've been through, tomorrow is a new day.
Everyone's talking about goal-setting right about now. I'm not too cool to join in. No matter how difficult things are, setting a vision and intention helps me feel like I have some agency over the things in my life. Even when — ESPECIALLY WHEN — most things feel really out of my hands.
I love dreaming about the future and creating my life around that vision. It doesn’t always go as planned. Sometimes it goes WAY OFF track. And sometimes that vision changes without me realizing it.
Even if it feels unrealistic, indulgent, or hopeless. I would much rather be married to my hopes and dreams than be married to my struggle.
Dreaming doesn’t mean ignoring oppression and obstacles. We can be painfully cognizant of the myriad reasons why things are difficult. Often more difficult for us than for others. We have no choice but to acknowledge them, and we should.
But we can also look past those barriers. It’s not like instilling hope means I will accidentally forget what’s holding me back. I’m reminded of those obstacles every day.
If you have the courage and vulnerability to say "This is what I want for myself,” I’m rooting for you. Here are some of my best reminders for setting your goals, whenever you’re ready to start.
It’s hard to find a balance between a culture you know and one you embrace once you immigrate somewhere new. This dichotomy is difficult internally as you categorize and organize and make sense of everything you’ve known and everything you’re learning. This struggle can be a heavy burden to bear on it’s own, but it becomes even harder when other people are involved.
This can lead to a type of impostor syndrome for first-generation Americans. People who feel like they are not “_____” enough for any setting often begin questioning other parts of their identity and hide things about themselves that are not part of the dominant culture. This creates space for internalizing other people’s messages about who they are, and can contribute to some serious self-doubt.
Choosing a therapist can be a PROCESS. You most likely aren’t looking for someone to talk about the weather with. This person will be learning about your life experiences, your trauma, your deepest fears and insecurities, and maybe even your wildest thoughts. There is a deep level of intimacy and trust that has to be built and maintained.
Though it is entirely professional, it is still a relationship that can be incredibly impactful and profound on your life. Sometimes it can feel like trying to pick your soulmate without even meeting them. And we’ve all seen those shows on Netflix… that shit does NOT always work so well.
There are many different types of therapists out there, with a variety of specialties, experiences, backgrounds, educations, schools of thought, and even couch styles or Zoom backgrounds. It’s important to do some research on the styles and schools of therapy. This will help you know what to expect when it comes to the literal format of the sessions. Doing your homework can be useful sometimes, I promise.
The most intimate - and most conflicted - relationships many of us have are with our family members.
So, what happens when a family member’s behavior makes you uncomfortable — to the point where it borders on abusive? Many people struggle with telling the difference, especially when it comes to family. People are often encouraged to give extra slack to people simply because they are related. That’s bullshit!
If you are uncomfortable because of a family member’s behavior, you don’t need to suffer in silence. There are steps you can take to determine if the behavior can be fixed. If it can’t, you may need to consider cutting ties altogether.
Therapy is never “one size fits all.” Just as every single person who comes in to see a therapist has their own unique experiences, ideas, and background, so should every therapy session. And this may come as a surprise, but so should every therapist. We are people too!
Therapists come with our own set of ideas, types of baggage, levels of education, and varieties of experience. But it is our job to create an inclusive, open, welcome, and safe space for everyone who comes through our door or joins our secure, encrypted, HIPAA-compliant, Fort-Knox-level-security video calls.
Affirming therapy goes beyond simply tolerating or even celebrating queer + trans identities and experiences. Affirming therapy centers these identities. To be affirming means we are consistently working to divest ourselves of holding cis-het-mainstream culture as the default, as the basis on which truth is measured, or as an aspiration for everyone.
Affirming therapists are able to help our clients with any issue that brings them to therapy. AND we are able to help our clients work through issues that queer + trans people specifically face, including homophobia, transphobia, heterosexism, cissexism, and more.
There are many different ways we can educate ourselves on affirmative therapy, from listening to people with lived experience (and compensating them adequately for their labor), to seeking formal training and education, to committing to mentoring from others in the field, to understanding queer communities through our art, media, and culture. There is always room for education and growth in a variety of ways. But there are also some key principles that therapists, can keep in mind while we create a safe and inclusive space of affirming therapy for our LGBTQ+ clients.
By the way, being part of a marginalized or oppressed community doesn’t automatically guarantee that we know what we’re doing. Just like being a therapist doesn’t guarantee it either. It’s everyone’s responsibility to engage in the deliberate practice of active allyship and affirming therapy.
When someone important to you reveals this part of their identity, it’s normal to experience a wide range of emotions - from elated to terrified.
Though you may want to be supportive, you might also harbor feelings of rejection, worry, or even anger. Like every other emotion, these feelings aren’t forever. That said, it can certainly feel that way when you’re right in the middle of it.
Although this is new to you, it is not always new to your loved one.
So, how do you cope with these feelings? How can you get to a place of acceptance and understanding instead of fear, anger, or confusion? Depending on your specific situation and relationship to the person, there are different options to help you make sense of your feelings.
Convenient to Long Beach and Seal Beach at:
4510 E Pacific Coast Hwy, #540, Long Beach, CA 90804
contact@prospecttherapy.com | (562) 704-4736
