When a Loved One Comes Out to You

When a Loved One Comes Out to You

Not everyone in the LGBTQ+ community feels the need to be open about who we are, to make a social media declaration, or even wants to put a label on our identity.

The term "coming out" isn't for everyone. It reinforces the default of cisgender and heterosexual, as though people are assumed to be that unless we are "revealed" to be otherwise. It also implies there is something secret and shameful about who we are. Some people prefer to say "being open" about our identity.

For many, many people it is not safe to do so. It can lead to loss of relationships, employment, financial and housing stability, legal standing, access to basic care and services, social support, safety, and loss of life.

However, many people find a greater sense of freedom and congruence when we are open about who we are. It makes a big difference when we are accepted, respected, and literally allowed to go on about our daily lives.

I Still Want to Like You After This: Relationships in Quarantine

I Still Want to Like You After This: Relationships in Quarantine

The first week or two was OK. It was fun staying in sweatpants. You enjoyed some comfort food. Made a group project out of being sure you had supplies for the time being.

Now you’re getting on each others' nerves a little bit. The cabin fever is setting in, and you're learning more than you thought possible about your partner.

These are stressful times, to be sure. A quarantine of undetermined length can certainly wear on even the strongest relationships. There’s a sentence I didn’t predict I would write. But here we are.

Here are some suggestions for how to maintain a calm and comforting environment with your partner. Bonus: These tips will remain helpful for when we emerge from this pandemic more grateful and appreciative of all our connections. xoxo

The Coronavirus Pandemic is Kicking Your Anxiety into Overdrive

The Coronavirus Pandemic is Kicking Your Anxiety into Overdrive

Your routines have been turned upside down, and no one seems to have helpful information. Think about how you usually respond to change. Do you resist it? Lean into it? Insist on keeping things the way they were as long as possible? Or abandon anything familiar and wing it? Your response is this reality is just like that, times 100.

What is Impostor Syndrome and How Does it Affect People Like Me?

What is Impostor Syndrome and How Does it Affect People Like Me?

Impostor Syndrome or Impostor Phenomenon s a term coined by Pauline Clance in 1978, based on her research studies of high-achieving women in university settings. It is characterized by people of all genders who are successful by reasonable external measures but have not internalized this success. Instead, they report that their success was gained either by accident, an oversight by others, or that they are generally a fraud, waiting to be found out.

While it was originally researched among college women, newer research suggests that it is experienced across the board. Which makes sense - people of all genders experience specific societal expectations, and struggle with self-image.

One of our specialties is working with high-functioning anxiety, perfectionism, and impostor syndrome, particularly in bicultural, first-generation, and immigrant Americans. There is a great deal of impostor syndrome in people who are acculturating to mainstream American culture. It’s exacerbated by the tendency that these folks are often acculturating at a rate faster than their families of origin, so people often don’t have the same “back-up” and reinforcement from their families. In this way, they may feel like they are unintentionally “leaving their families behind.”

One of the side effects of balancing your family's values and expectations with your own, is that people often feel like a failure by one set of standards (their family's), despite being successful by another set of measures (mainstream culture). And their own values are caught somewhere in the middle.

When your primary support system (your family) doesn’t know how to validate your success, you can start to believe it doesn’t count. Many bicultural people feel that their families don’t understand their work, their lifestyle, or some aspect of their identity. Compliments can feel stale or superficial. Or you might just stop sharing good news altogether because the response is disappointing.

There are other effects of impostor syndrome as well. It can cause people to hold themselves back from their goals, it can cause social and relational isolation, and can exacerbate existing symptoms of anxiety or depression. There is that self-fulfilling prophecy of not believing you are worthy of advancement, so people stop offering you opportunities, thus reinforcing your feelings of inadequacy.

The Five Types of Impostor Syndrome

The Five Types of Impostor Syndrome

Have you ever felt like you’re living a life you don’t deserve? Or, that you are offered opportunities you aren’t qualified for?

Turns out, even the highest achievers go through the same thing as you, and it’s called the impostor syndrome.

Impostor syndrome affects 70 percent of millennials and counting. This syndrome is defined as an extreme case of self-doubt. So extreme that it stops you from chasing your dreams or sharing your experiences with those that are two steps behind you.

It’s the inability to internalize (or believe) in your success despite external evidence of that success.

You constantly think everything you do is fraudulent. But guess what? You are worthy of your experiences. You have earned your place no matter what stage of life, or your career, you are in.

The 5 types of impostor syndrome are:

  1. The Perfectionist: You set your own bar a little too high, because reaching a goal means it must not have been that hard to do.

  2. The SuperHuman: Overworking yourself means you’re the best, right?

  3. The Natural Genius: Really good at stuff, but only do what’s comfortable.

  4. The Soloist: Thinks asking for help shows weakness.

  5. The Expert: You know your stuff but freeze when someone asks you to demonstrate your competence.

This syndrome may stop you from reaching your biggest career goals or pushing yourself to grow. If you think you may be dealing with impostor syndrome, Mint created an infographic explaining the different types, how each type may affect your finances, and tips to overcoming it.

How to Find a Therapist

How to Find a Therapist

Even if you have the resources of time, money, and energy.

And you know what questions to ask.

And your social anxiety/depression/phone dysphoria/stress/overwhelm isn’t getting in the way — it can be really hard to find a therapist.

According to a 2018 study by Mental Health America, California ranks 24th in the nation in terms of prevalence of mental health issues and correlated access to care.

Let's say you've tried everything else. You've spoken to friends and family. You've tried making changes in your habits. You've read every book, or at least every online article about your issue. And you've decided it's time for more individualized, professional help.

You may be completely willing to give therapy a try, but there’s one pressing question: how do you find a therapist?

With so many options, it almost seems too daunting to even try to find one. Fortunately, when you break it down, you can easily find a therapist and get the help you need.

How to Forge Your Own Path When You Feel Left Behind by Your Peers

How to Forge Your Own Path When You Feel Left Behind by Your Peers

Does it feel like no matter what you do, you aren’t accomplishing as much as your peers?

If you’re feeling left behind, you aren’t alone. It’s common for everyone to experience this mindset from time to time, especially young people. Early adulthood is a time when many people are exploring their place in the world.

What we don't hear about as often, are the people who later in life are changing careers, exploring their sexuality, or moving to a new city -- without it being framed as a gimmick, an anomaly, or some Under the Tuscan Sun BS.

The truth is, any choice you make deliberately is the right choice for you.

Why Can't I Stop Procrastinating?

Why Can't I Stop Procrastinating?

Everyone has a hard time focusing occasionally. There are often legitimate reasons that underlie chronic procrastination.

For many people, it’s easy to chalk up procrastination to laziness. In reality, those who procrastinate often aren’t lazy at all. Instead, there are merely other problems that get in the way of completing tasks in a timely fashion. One way to figure out what causes your procrastination is to pay attention to the thoughts and feelings that come up when you avoid a task.

Straddling two worlds: Fostering Immigrant Communities of Healing

Straddling two worlds: Fostering Immigrant Communities of Healing

In so many recent conversations, I’ve heard about the specific challenges experienced by immigrant communities and first- and second-generation Americans. Like so many things, putting a name and framework to a cluster of experiences can be immensely healing.

For many of us, we don’t realize the impact of this identity — until we do.

It’s a strange experience trying to pay back an invaluable debt that you didn’t really ask for but very much appreciate.

I spoke with Lindsey Phillips at Counseling Today about what it’s like to work with my community therapeutically. She ended up writing an excellent article about the specific mental health challenges experienced by first- and second-generation Americans and how we can find healing.

Tips for Managing Social Anxiety Before, During, and After an Event

Tips for Managing Social Anxiety Before, During, and After an Event

We’ve all been there. You agreed to make plans (showing up for a birthday party, scheduling a meeting with your supervisor, attending an extended family event) and you’re totally dreading it.

Your introverted, anxious, or depressed side is regretting your recent optimism. “WTF was I thinking?”

You look for a way to bail, but then, you don’t want to seem like a flake.

So, despite the pressure to flee building in your chest, you psych yourself up and leave the house. Then, even though things seem to be going fine, panic starts to rise in the back of your mind. 

Social anxiety is a real thing.

Even people who seem to be confident, popular, and generally have their shit together, can have anxiety in social situations. Often, it's those people who have it the worst. Acting like socializing is a breeze is often a way to overcompensate for feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. Everyone feels this way occasionally, but it can be really exhausting and overwhelming when you feel like this all the time. 

A Guide to Introducing Your Significant Other to Your Family

A Guide to Introducing Your Significant Other to Your Family

The holidays can be a great way to bring you and your partner closer by introducing them to your family. It can also be a really stressful time for a million other reasons, so we made this guide to help you make short work of the process.

The easiest way to make the process less stressful – prepare ahead of time.

*Thanks to HERS for the infographic!

When Self-Care Becomes Self-Sabotage

When Self-Care Becomes Self-Sabotage

It can be hard to tell, but sometimes our “self-care” routines are bordering on self-sabotage, and they’re not good for us at all. While it is essential to treat yourself from time to time, and also create an environment that isn’t toxic and burning you out, it’s just as important to recognize when your habits start holding you back.

Everyday self-care routines can become harmful if they’re done too frequently, or for the wrong reasons.

#FirstGenerationProblems: It Matters Where You Come From

#FirstGenerationProblems: It Matters Where You Come From

Sure, all kinds of parents can be over-protective. Some families may expect you to work (or stay home) depending on your age, gender, or the type of work you want to do. But immigrant communities have an added layer of stress built in, that other people don’t have to contend with. Getting a car or a diploma means so much more to us, and it may not necessarily be seen as a good thing.

Parents are acculturating at a different rate than their kids who are born or raised in America, and they really just want what’s best for you. But the accompanying ambivalence and inner conflict can lead to internalized feelings of unease, and can impact so many aspects of your life and relationships.

Things like choosing a more “palatable” name, only speaking English, choosing an unexpected career, avoiding cultural social circles, or even your romantic preferences are all places this conflict can manifest.

You Might Be a Perfectionist

You Might Be a Perfectionist

It’s natural to want to succeed at the things you do. But when does striving for achievement become perfectionism?

Perfectionist tendencies are the combination of wanting to do our best, while simultaneously feeling like we never actually do.

Having high standards and wanting to pursue excellence can be helpful qualities. Without them, one could argue, everyone and everything would stay mediocre.

But this is different from perfectionism, which is less about an excellent result, and more hyperfocused on not making any mistakes or having flaws.

When perfectionists make mistakes, they feel like a complete failure, fixate on the negative, and have anxiety or depression over their perceived flaws.

When people with high standards make mistakes, they forgive themselves, see it as “part of the process,” learn from it, and are not deterred from their pursuit.

How can you tell which one you are?

What Your Therapist's Fee Says About Them

What Your Therapist's Fee Says About Them

If you can’t afford groceries because of your therapy bills, you’re seeing the wrong therapist.

I don’t care how much you like them, how chunky their jewelry is, or how hip their eyeglass frames are. If therapy is taking away too much from other parts of your life, you’re going to hate the process.

But therapy should be a little bit uncomfortable for you as the client.

An exchange of resources - time, money, energy - helps you both be accountable to the process. But what’s a fair price for that work?

A good therapist should be able to answer that question.

Adulting 101: Mental Health Needs for Young Adults

Adulting 101: Mental Health Needs for Young Adults

For some people, relationships have always been easy but they have never had a job or subject in school they enjoyed. For others, they’ve always known what they would do for work, but socially they feel like the perpetual outsider. And some people don’t feel like anything comes easy—what a stressful place to start in! 

If you’re a young adult and you feel like you’re struggling, you are most definitely not alone.

Check Your Relationship Health: 4 Indicators for Success

Check Your Relationship Health: 4 Indicators for Success

No relationship is perfect, as no single person is perfect.. But how can you tell if you’re making things better - or making things worse?

Whether your relationship is a few months old or a few decades old, there is never a wrong time to consider your relationship’s health.

No matter what specifically you’re disagreeing about, these are signs that point to strength or weak spots in your relationship.

Three Ways You Might be Minimizing Your Trauma

Three Ways You Might be Minimizing Your Trauma

Trauma is any experience that overwhelms our ability to cope with it.

In other words, the deciding factor of whether an experience is traumatic or not, is whether it overwhelms your ability to cope with it.

The tricky part is that frequently, one way that we try to cope with traumatic events is to minimize them. That’s our brain trying not to be overwhelmed with the magnitude of the stress. This goes for events that overwhelm us physically, emotionally, or both.

Here are three signs that you might be minimizing your trauma, and thereby actually prolonging or intensifying its effects.

Feeling Like a Fraud? How to Identify Impostor Syndrome

Feeling Like a Fraud? How to Identify Impostor Syndrome

Many people can be socially awkward from time to time. It’s normal to experience periods of self-doubt. It’s natural (and healthy!) to second guess ourselves sometimes, too.

The important thing about impostor syndrome (rather than just regular anxiety or self-esteem issues) is that despite fears of being inadequate, you are wholly qualified to be doing what you’re doing.