Most people strive to do their best. What’s wrong with that?
It’s natural to want to succeed at the things you do. Our culture encourages us to strive for our absolute best. But when does striving for achievement become perfectionism?
Perfectionist tendencies are the combination of wanting to do our best, while simultaneously feeling like we never actually do.
Having high standards and wanting to pursue excellence can be helpful qualities. Without them, one could argue, everyone and everything would stay mediocre.
But this is different from perfectionism, which is less about an excellent result, and more hyperfocused on not making any mistakes or having flaws.
When perfectionists make mistakes, they feel like a complete failure, fixate on the negative, and have anxiety or depression over their perceived flaws.
When people with high standards make mistakes, they forgive themselves, see it as “part of the process,” learn from it, and are not deterred from their pursuit.
It’s normal to want to highlight our successes for others, and to be hesitant to try something we know we won’t be good at. But sometimes, these good and normal intentions can become a pattern of tendencies that actually end up causing us more harm that good.
You might be consciously aware that “perfection” isn’t an achievable thing, but perfectionism can still affect you every single day.
Perfectionists will often even say things like “I know it’s not reasonable to expect this of myself, but I still do.”
How exactly do you tell if you’re a perfectionist? Well, you might be a perfectionist if the following sounds familiar…
You Feel Like No Matter What You Do, You’re Going to Fail
Thoughts of failure and inadequacy are a hallmark symptom of perfectionism. Whether it’s a homework assignment, work task, speech, or art project, you feel like you’re not going to perform well enough. Even if it's something you do all the time, you're worried every time that you'll mess it up.
This fear can have two very adverse effects. Firstly, if you do the task, you’ll inevitably critique yourself endlessly, regardless of how well you perform it. Thus, causing self-esteem issues and furthering your feelings of inadequacy. Secondly, your fear may keep you from performing the task altogether. If you are a chronic procrastinator, it might be because you fear the finished product won’t be good enough. Seems like a no-win situation, especially when the task is something you really need to do!
Either way, it’s tough to go through life feeling like a failure.
You’re Controlling in Your Relationships
Because you’re always striving for perfection, you may also seek it out in those around you. It’s one thing to want everything to go smoothly in your relationships; it’s another to force that to happen.
We all seek a certain amount of control in a relationship, but perfectionists tend to take criticism to the next level. It may not even be ill-intentioned - you might think you’re helping.
Pay attention to your comments about your partner. Do you often comment on their driving? The way they dress? Do you give unwarranted advice about their work or school? Maybe you just want what’s best for them, or you “know they can do better.” But maybe you are taking your own perfectionism out on them.
This approach can create severe issues in a relationship if a partner always feels criticized or controlled.
You Overanalyze Everything – Even the Small Stuff
It’s prevalent for perfectionists to overanalyze everything they do, from what they wear to how they carry themselves, to what others think of them, and how they interact with people. It’s certainly not wrong to have self-awareness, but overanalyzing everything can quickly become overwhelming.
For example, maybe you had a conversation with your coworker, and you put your foot in your mouth. In reality, your coworker probably didn’t notice anything. But you feel embarrassed or maybe even angry at yourself for the slip-up. While we all have this happen occasionally, a perfectionist can struggle after every interaction, going over the conversation again and again. They might use this minor interaction as a reason for all the other negative things in their life.
When your overanalyzing gets to a point where even small mistakes bother you excessively, it can be a severe issue when you aren’t able to let them go. We have to be able to give ourselves space to be human, which does mean we sometimes make mistakes.
You Set Unrealistic Standards for Yourself
When you’re striving for perfection, anything less isn’t good enough. Because of this, it’s widespread that perfectionists set unrealistic standards for both themselves and sometimes those close to them. Its common that these high standards can be seen in multiple areas of life, like professionally and personally.
You got an A on a test? Well, it should’ve been an A+. Your team did a great job on a presentation at work? Well, so-and-so could’ve contributed more. A perfectionist can always find reasons to turn an achievement into a failure. You might even downplay your own achievements, contributing to impostor syndrome.
Again, perfection isn’t a truly attainable goal. It’s not realistic to expect it, and yet, perfectionists do. This mindset quickly creates internal and interpersonal conflicts. Over time, this can be seen in a history of unsatisfying relationships or long term mood fluctuations like anxiety and depression.
You Have Feelings of Loneliness and Low Self-Esteem
Because perfectionists can’t achieve perfection (no one can), their constant “failures” may leave them feeling vulnerable and with low self-esteem. It’s easy to compare your worst days to others’ best accomplishments, especially through social media.
Furthermore, perfectionists may eventually isolate themselves from others as to not inflict their standards on them. Or, relationships don’t work out because of the impossible standards. It can become incredibly lonely and draining. But life doesn’t have to be that way.
If you feel like any of the above symptoms apply to you, you may very well be a perfectionist. It’s important to understand that you don’t have to suffer, especially if you’ve gotten to a point where it’s contributing to low self-esteem or unhealthy relationships.
A therapist can help you recognize areas of your life that are controlled by perfectionism, and how you can make changes and see things in a different life. You don’t have to feel like a failure, and “perfect” doesn’t have to be the only standard you know.
Prospect Therapy is an LGBTQ+ affirming psychotherapy practice that welcomes individuals and couples of all genders and orientations in Long Beach, Seal Beach and surrounding areas of Los Angeles and Orange Counties. If you’re ready to let go of unattainable ideals that are controlling your life and making your miserable, therapy may be a great place to start. Contact us for a free consultation and get matched to your best fit therapist today.
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