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I Still Want to Like You After This: Relationships in Quarantine

I Still Want to Like You After This: Relationships in Quarantine

The first week or two was OK. It was fun staying in sweatpants. You enjoyed some comfort food. Made a group project out of being sure you had supplies for the time being.

Now you’re getting on each others' nerves a little bit. The cabin fever is setting in, and you're learning more than you thought possible about your partner.

These are stressful times, to be sure. A quarantine of undetermined length can certainly wear on even the strongest relationships. There’s a sentence I didn’t predict I would write. But here we are.

Here are some suggestions for how to maintain a calm and comforting environment with your partner. Bonus: These tips will remain helpful for when we emerge from this pandemic more grateful and appreciative of all our connections. xoxo

What is Impostor Syndrome and How Does it Affect People Like Me?

What is Impostor Syndrome and How Does it Affect People Like Me?

Impostor Syndrome or Impostor Phenomenon s a term coined by Pauline Clance in 1978, based on her research studies of high-achieving women in university settings. It is characterized by people of all genders who are successful by reasonable external measures but have not internalized this success. Instead, they report that their success was gained either by accident, an oversight by others, or that they are generally a fraud, waiting to be found out.

While it was originally researched among college women, newer research suggests that it is experienced across the board. Which makes sense - people of all genders experience specific societal expectations, and struggle with self-image.

One of our specialties is working with high-functioning anxiety, perfectionism, and impostor syndrome, particularly in bicultural, first-generation, and immigrant Americans. There is a great deal of impostor syndrome in people who are acculturating to mainstream American culture. It’s exacerbated by the tendency that these folks are often acculturating at a rate faster than their families of origin, so people often don’t have the same “back-up” and reinforcement from their families. In this way, they may feel like they are unintentionally “leaving their families behind.”

One of the side effects of balancing your family's values and expectations with your own, is that people often feel like a failure by one set of standards (their family's), despite being successful by another set of measures (mainstream culture). And their own values are caught somewhere in the middle.

When your primary support system (your family) doesn’t know how to validate your success, you can start to believe it doesn’t count. Many bicultural people feel that their families don’t understand their work, their lifestyle, or some aspect of their identity. Compliments can feel stale or superficial. Or you might just stop sharing good news altogether because the response is disappointing.

There are other effects of impostor syndrome as well. It can cause people to hold themselves back from their goals, it can cause social and relational isolation, and can exacerbate existing symptoms of anxiety or depression. There is that self-fulfilling prophecy of not believing you are worthy of advancement, so people stop offering you opportunities, thus reinforcing your feelings of inadequacy.

The Five Types of Impostor Syndrome

The Five Types of Impostor Syndrome

Have you ever felt like you’re living a life you don’t deserve? Or, that you are offered opportunities you aren’t qualified for?

Turns out, even the highest achievers go through the same thing as you, and it’s called the impostor syndrome.

Impostor syndrome affects 70 percent of millennials and counting. This syndrome is defined as an extreme case of self-doubt. So extreme that it stops you from chasing your dreams or sharing your experiences with those that are two steps behind you.

It’s the inability to internalize (or believe) in your success despite external evidence of that success.

You constantly think everything you do is fraudulent. But guess what? You are worthy of your experiences. You have earned your place no matter what stage of life, or your career, you are in.

The 5 types of impostor syndrome are:

  1. The Perfectionist: You set your own bar a little too high, because reaching a goal means it must not have been that hard to do.

  2. The SuperHuman: Overworking yourself means you’re the best, right?

  3. The Natural Genius: Really good at stuff, but only do what’s comfortable.

  4. The Soloist: Thinks asking for help shows weakness.

  5. The Expert: You know your stuff but freeze when someone asks you to demonstrate your competence.

This syndrome may stop you from reaching your biggest career goals or pushing yourself to grow. If you think you may be dealing with impostor syndrome, Mint created an infographic explaining the different types, how each type may affect your finances, and tips to overcoming it.

How to Find a Therapist

How to Find a Therapist

Even if you have the resources of time, money, and energy.

And you know what questions to ask.

And your social anxiety/depression/phone dysphoria/stress/overwhelm isn’t getting in the way — it can be really hard to find a therapist.

According to a 2018 study by Mental Health America, California ranks 24th in the nation in terms of prevalence of mental health issues and correlated access to care.

Let's say you've tried everything else. You've spoken to friends and family. You've tried making changes in your habits. You've read every book, or at least every online article about your issue. And you've decided it's time for more individualized, professional help.

You may be completely willing to give therapy a try, but there’s one pressing question: how do you find a therapist?

With so many options, it almost seems too daunting to even try to find one. Fortunately, when you break it down, you can easily find a therapist and get the help you need.

Why Can't I Stop Procrastinating?

Why Can't I Stop Procrastinating?

Everyone has a hard time focusing occasionally. There are often legitimate reasons that underlie chronic procrastination.

For many people, it’s easy to chalk up procrastination to laziness. In reality, those who procrastinate often aren’t lazy at all. Instead, there are merely other problems that get in the way of completing tasks in a timely fashion. One way to figure out what causes your procrastination is to pay attention to the thoughts and feelings that come up when you avoid a task.

Tips for Managing Social Anxiety Before, During, and After an Event

Tips for Managing Social Anxiety Before, During, and After an Event

We’ve all been there. You agreed to make plans (showing up for a birthday party, scheduling a meeting with your supervisor, attending an extended family event) and you’re totally dreading it.

Your introverted, anxious, or depressed side is regretting your recent optimism. “WTF was I thinking?”

You look for a way to bail, but then, you don’t want to seem like a flake.

So, despite the pressure to flee building in your chest, you psych yourself up and leave the house. Then, even though things seem to be going fine, panic starts to rise in the back of your mind. 

Social anxiety is a real thing.

Even people who seem to be confident, popular, and generally have their shit together, can have anxiety in social situations. Often, it's those people who have it the worst. Acting like socializing is a breeze is often a way to overcompensate for feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. Everyone feels this way occasionally, but it can be really exhausting and overwhelming when you feel like this all the time. 

When Self-Care Becomes Self-Sabotage

When Self-Care Becomes Self-Sabotage

It can be hard to tell, but sometimes our “self-care” routines are bordering on self-sabotage, and they’re not good for us at all. While it is essential to treat yourself from time to time, and also create an environment that isn’t toxic and burning you out, it’s just as important to recognize when your habits start holding you back.

Everyday self-care routines can become harmful if they’re done too frequently, or for the wrong reasons.

Adulting 101: Mental Health Needs for Young Adults

Adulting 101: Mental Health Needs for Young Adults

For some people, relationships have always been easy but they have never had a job or subject in school they enjoyed. For others, they’ve always known what they would do for work, but socially they feel like the perpetual outsider. And some people don’t feel like anything comes easy—what a stressful place to start in! 

If you’re a young adult and you feel like you’re struggling, you are most definitely not alone.

Three Ways You Might be Minimizing Your Trauma

Three Ways You Might be Minimizing Your Trauma

Trauma is any experience that overwhelms our ability to cope with it.

In other words, the deciding factor of whether an experience is traumatic or not, is whether it overwhelms your ability to cope with it.

The tricky part is that frequently, one way that we try to cope with traumatic events is to minimize them. That’s our brain trying not to be overwhelmed with the magnitude of the stress. This goes for events that overwhelm us physically, emotionally, or both.

Here are three signs that you might be minimizing your trauma, and thereby actually prolonging or intensifying its effects.

Feeling Like a Fraud? How to Identify Impostor Syndrome

Feeling Like a Fraud? How to Identify Impostor Syndrome

Many people can be socially awkward from time to time. It’s normal to experience periods of self-doubt. It’s natural (and healthy!) to second guess ourselves sometimes, too.

The important thing about impostor syndrome (rather than just regular anxiety or self-esteem issues) is that despite fears of being inadequate, you are wholly qualified to be doing what you’re doing.

Why Happy Couples Go To Therapy

Why Happy Couples Go To Therapy

When you think about the type of couples that go to therapy, you’re likely conjuring up an image of partners trying to work through adultery, or those who have even more serious problems. But that’s not always the case.

While it is true that you definitely should go to a therapist if you are having trouble with your partner, the real answer to “should my partner and I go to couple’s therapy?” is always yes. Read on to find out how therapy can benefit even the happiest couples.

How New Traditions Can Help with Holiday Depression

How New Traditions Can Help with Holiday Depression

If the end-of-the-year holiday traditions are bringing up conflicted feelings for you, you’re not alone. For many people, feelings of nostalgia can bring up regret; trying to create (or re-create) community can feel isolating; and even joyful activities can remind us of old pains that we usually try to ignore.

Anyone who has tried to maintain a holiday tradition in the wake of a loss or major life change can tell you: Trying to keep things as they were is its own kind of torture.

When to Check on Your Strongest Friend

When to Check on Your Strongest Friend

We need to feel discomfort first, for it to go away. This doesn’t mean you have to dwell on it for days or weeks. In fact, you’ll be surprised at how even a 20-minute conversation with someone who is listening can ease your pain. Here are some questions you can ask.

Frustrated That Your Goal-Setting Isn't Working?

Frustrated That Your Goal-Setting Isn't Working?

If your goal-setting isn't working, it might be because you're focusing on the wrong tasks. Have you ever set a deadline...and then kept moving it? Do you want to be a marathon runner but don't know where to start? Use this guide to figure out how to bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be.

How to Tell if your Partner Respects You

How to Tell if your Partner Respects You

Couples sometimes panic when they start having the same disagreement over and over again. They're worried it's a sign of a fundamental mismatch in their relationship. They may avoid the disagreement to avoid potentially ending the relationship. But that makes things worse!

I spoke with Jamie Kravitz at Elite Daily a few weeks ago about how to tell if your partner respects you. I believe that almost any relationship can be improved, and a disagreement (even a frustrating, recurring one) doesn't necessarily mean the end. 

How to Identify Your Own Toxic Behavior

How to Identify Your Own Toxic Behavior

Aren't we as adults accountable for our own actions? But then, isn't everyone else responsible for theirs?

I recently spoke with Annamarie Higley at Brit + Co about how to identify our own toxic behavior. I think of this as our secret weapon when we're ready to try therapy.