Not everyone in the LGBTQ+ community feels the need to be open about who we are, to make a social media declaration, or even wants to put a label on our identity.
This list is a great place to start. What else — good or bad — would you add?
The term "coming out" isn't for everyone. It reinforces the default of cisgender and heterosexual, as though people are assumed to be that unless we are "revealed" to be otherwise. It also implies there is something secret and shameful about who we are. Some people prefer to say "being open" about our identity.
For many, many people it is not safe to do so. It can lead to loss of relationships, employment, financial and housing stability, legal standing, access to basic care and services, social support, safety, and loss of life.
Research (from The Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law, the National Institute of Health, the US Dept of Health and Human Services, and others ) continuously shows that people in the LGBTQ+ community experience poorer physical and mental health outcomes than our cishet peers. The impact of pervasive phobias have real effects on our lives.
When we say to respect pronouns, don’t make assumptions about relationships, or just generally make room to acknowledge our experiences, it’s not because we feel “offended” that you didn’t. Well, it’s not just that. These are all building blocks that contribute to the bigger issues. One mistake won’t kill us. But it does have a cumulative effect on society as a whole, and then we get the negative outcomes mentioned above.
However, many people find a greater sense of freedom and congruence when we are open about who we are. It makes a big difference when we are accepted, respected, and literally allowed to go on about our daily lives.
If a loved one shares part of their identity with you, remember it is about them, not you.
It's normal to have a reaction. You might think you are a very accepting person but be surprised by thoughts or feelings that come up for you. You might have been someone who thought “that’s fine for other people, but not my friend or family member.” (This is the same as saying “that’s not fine for anyone,” by the way.)
Take time to process these on your own.
It's ok to ask your loved one to educate you about our own experience and identity. In fact, our experience won't be like anyone else's, so yeah - we should be the ones to tell you about it.
It's not ok to expect us to educate you on ALL people who identify in that way. We can't speak for all of us. (Can you speak for all people like you?)
Remember, your loved one is the same person they have always been.
We have already gone through an entire process of coming out to ourselves.
This is the first time you're hearing about it, but we have been exploring this idea (wondering if it's true, hoping it wasn't true, checking with others, pretending it doesn't exist, reconciling what this means for us, etc.) for a long time before we decided you were important enough to share this with.
Even if we embraced this part of our identity almost immediately, and are happy and proud to claim it, we still had to grapple with the potential negative results of it.
Many people say that the most helpful thing to do is to follow our lead: Acknowledge, listen, celebrate, and then treat us the same way you did yesterday.
It can be hard to know if a question is offensive, or to remember to use correct pronouns. Correct yourself and move on. Please don’t be over the top about how hard you are trying and put your friend in the awkward position of saying “It’s ok, don’t worry about it.” Again, that makes it about you, not them.
Prospect Therapy is an LGBTQ+ affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA. We focus on queer + trans mental health as well as mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we support individuals, teens, couples, and families in our communities by requesting a consultation below.