We’ve all been there. You agreed to make plans (showing up for a birthday party, scheduling a meeting with your supervisor, attending an extended family event) and you’re totally dreading it.
Your introverted, anxious, or depressed side is regretting your recent optimism. “WTF was I thinking?”
You hope it’s cancelled or rescheduled. You look for a way to bail, but then, you don’t want to seem like a flake.
So, despite the pressure to flee building in your chest, you psych yourself up and leave the house. Then, even though things seem to be going fine, panic starts to rise in the back of your mind.
“Why can’t I think of anything funny to say?”
“Why did they even invite me? They must just feel bad for me.”
“Why can’t I just be normal like everyone else?”
Social anxiety is a real thing.
Even people who seem to be confident, popular, and generally have their shit together, can have anxiety in social situations. Often, it's those people who have it the worst. Acting like socializing is a breeze is often a way to overcompensate for feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. Everyone feels this way occasionally, but it can be really exhausting and overwhelming when you feel like this all the time.
Signs of Social Anxiety
Feelings of dread and overwhelm in anticipation of a social event.
An “out-of-body” experience - watching yourself flounder in front of others.
Sweating, feeling hot, getting red in the face, clammy hands when you’re “put on the spot.”
Increased heart rate and shallow breathing when you’re in a room of people, even if you’re sitting in the back.
Ringing in the ears, tunnel vision when someone asks you a question.
Sounds fun, right?
Here are three tips to help manage it before, during and after an event.
Preparing for an event when you have anxiety
Take something familiar with you. Think of it like a security blanket to help you get through the door. Arrange to arrive with a friend, or make plans to meet them when you park. Bring a lucky keychain or something that you can hold. Wear something that you feel comfortable in. This will help with the physical symptoms of anxiety, because you can focus some of your attention on something familiar, rather than feeling like you are in a totally foreign environment.
Think of the things you're looking forward to, AKA why you even decided to do this in the first place. Remember that the reason you agreed is because you care about the person or event. But maybe you don't do well in crowded bars. In that case, focus on how happy they'll be to see you, or that they will appreciate you showed up. If you can, bring a gift. It’s a way to focus attention on something other than your panic, and can put people at ease.
Plan two or three topics that you can talk about if you panic. Not just traffic and the weather (but those always work too). Maybe it’s a recent movie you saw, or a book you're reading. It can be something that isn’t super personal but that others can relate to. That way you aren’t put on the spot to come up with something interesting to say.
What to do when you’re having a social anxiety attack
Even if you’ve prepared as best you could, you might still panic when you arrive. Like if there’s nowhere to stand but next to the door. Or you walk into class and everyone seems to know each other except you. Or you’re not even sure you’re in the right place.
Social anxiety can sometimes feel like an out of body experience. You’re simultaneously painfully awkward, and watching yourself be painfully awkward.
One tip is be present and focus on what the person is saying, or the concert you're there to see. If you find your mind wandering and watching yourself be awkward af, try to see it from a neutral perspective. Think, "yeah we're just a group of friendly people being normal," vs. “OMG I'm the only one who sticks out like a sore thumb because I can't think of anything funny to say." Use that lucky keychain to ground you in the moment.
If nothing else, listen to others and ask questions. Let them do the talking, and you can focus on regulating your anxiety response. You can “get back into your body” (instead of watching the situation unfold), by gripping your lucky keychain, paying attention to your surroundings, and taking a few deep breaths.
If all else fails and you feel a panic attack coming on, you can always excuse yourself to get some air, take a pretend phone call, or use the restroom.
Recovering after a social anxiety episode
If you end up leaving and feeling like a loser, just remember - you only have to do “the first day” once. And then you never have to do it again. The next time you do it, you’ll already be better at it.
Take some time to recalibrate your mood and your body. If you need to recharge by spending time alone, do it! Anything you can do to practice self-care will help, such as preparing a comforting meal, watching your favorite TV show, or reading a magazine for a bit.
Finally, remember that these experiences are only a part of who you are. They don’t make up your whole personality.
Social anxiety doesn’t define you
Social anxiety is basically just non-stop conspiracy theories in your head while you’re trying to interact (or think about interacting) with other people. It can totally trick us into thinking things about us that aren't true. Maybe you’re the type of person who does better one-on-one. Maybe you’re an introvert and don’t like to be in crowds. Everyone has an environment that they flourish in, whether it’s alone, one on one, small groups, or anonymous large crowds. Think of ways you connect with people better. You don't have to force yourself to be a social person if you're not, but trying these tips can help you figure that out, and make some of the unavoidable situations easier.
How therapy can help with anxiety
If you’re struggling with social anxiety and feeling uncomfortable in your skin, therapy can be a great place to figure out why, AND practice connecting with someone who is guaranteed not to judge you. Aside from learning about what your deal is, you can use the relationship as practice for all your other relationships. Prospect Therapy welcomes individuals of all genders and orientations in Long Beach, Seal Beach, and surrounding areas. Call us at (562) 704-4736 or send us a message below to set up your free, confidential phone consultation.