The first week or two was OK. It was fun staying in sweatpants. You enjoyed some comfort food. Made a group project out of being sure you had supplies for the time being.
Now you’re getting on each others' nerves a little bit. The cabin fever is setting in, and you're learning more than you thought possible about your partner.
These are stressful times, to be sure. A quarantine of undetermined length can certainly wear on even the strongest relationships. There’s a sentence I didn’t predict I would write. But here we are.
Here are some suggestions for how to maintain a calm and comforting environment with your partner. Bonus: These tips will remain helpful for when we emerge from this pandemic more grateful and appreciative of all our connections. xoxo
Be proactive about checking in with each other - and actually listen.
This isn't the typical, absentminded "How was your day?" You will have to make more of an effort than usual right now. Specific questions (“How would you rate your stress right now? What’s on your plate for the day?”) are helpful.
Be deliberate about listening. Not just to their words, but to their body language and tone of voice. Are they giving short answers? Are they tense or irritable? Or are they relaxed and forthcoming?
Whatever they say, your first response should be to validate it with compassion. Even repeat it back to them. Sounds therapist-y, but it will communicate that you heard them, and that’s the first thing anyone wants. After you do that, then you can gently point out what else you’re noticing. You’re not assuming, and you’re not criticizing. You’re just pointing it out in case they need to acknowledge it too. This opens up space for them to be more honest and connect with you.
If you’re the kind of couple who avoids conflict
They might say, “Everything's fine.” (even if it’s not.)
That’s when you come in with something like,
“That’s good, babe. I thought I’d ask because you sound a little frazzled. Are you sure you’re OK?”
“I’m glad to hear that. I thought you might be worried about your family member. I would be too.”
“OK good. It’s just that sometimes I can tell when you’re stressed because you get really quiet. Is something else on your mind?”
You’re agreeing with them first, and then offering a chance to go deeper. Hopefully, they will feel very seen and appreciated. "OK, my partner really does know me better than anyone else! They picked up on my stress when I didn't even notice it myself. And they’re not giving me shit about it."
If you’re the kind of couple who thrives on drama
They might be very open about how stressed they are, and possibly feel a little guilt or embarrassment about it. They might say, “Yeah I’m freaking out, but I know you don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to start a fight.”
Once again, listen and acknowledge their feelings. Don't say anything other than reflecting and validating their feelings. Perhaps they were expecting you to have a negative reaction, but you’re not going to do that.
Instead, hear them out. Then, you can point out some facts about how well they're actually handling things. This can remind them that they are not, in fact, a total mess.
You respond with, "Yeah, I could tell that you're worried/feeling unsure/not super motivated right now. And I'm still impressed that you keep making us coffee every morning, or you have made sure we get something nutritious for at least one meal a day, or that you take care of our pet even though you’re overwhelmed, or that you're able to work from home so effectively,” etc.
This does double duty of reassuring them that they are doing better than they might realize, while also showing that you are paying attention and appreciating them. Both of these will help reduce your stress.
Be the light to their dark - try not to freak out at the same time.
If you're both hyper-anxious, or both checked out and avoiding your feelings, it will take you twice as long to get over it and settle back into "normal” moods. (Whatever that is right now.)
Instead, take turns being the rock for each other. This doesn’t mean one person’s feelings don’t matter. It means one of you is temporarily making space for the others’ feelings, and then later they will return the favor. It does no good for both of you to freak out at the same time.
If your partner is feeling anxious, be the consistent and loving voice of reassurance for them.
When we're scared, we become like children on a very subconscious level. How would you treat a scared little kid?
Take their concerns seriously (no matter how far fetched or small they may sound to you), and assure them that they will be OK. All you have to communicate is, “Hey, I’m here for you, and you won’t handle this problem alone.” If they insist that you can't help them, you promise them that you will! Even if it feels exaggerated, or you have no way of promising that, their anxious mind will appreciate it in the moment.
By the way: Don't make jokes to cut the stress, or minimize their concern with simplified reasoning. You can do that later if it works for your relationship. But in the moment when they're expressing anxiety, now is the time for validation of their feelings and steady reassurance. You won’t be “making it worse,” you’ll be helping them get it out of their system.
If you are the one that's feeling anxious, let your partner comfort you! Sure, you may need to explicitly ask for that. "I'm actually having a bad day. Don't laugh, but I'm worried about xyz." You might feel like you don't want to burden them, or that you have to be stoic for them. But letting yourself have some time to freak out is normal. When you actually let the feelings out, and allow yourself to be comforted, it won't take as long to feel better.
The nice thing is, each time you do this for each other, you’ll reinforce the idea that you can rely on and trust your partner, and they can do the same for you.
For those of you who avoid talking about your feelings because you want to prevent a fight, you’ll be more likely to turn toward each other when you need it, instead of pulling away or shutting down. And for those of you who feel like all you do is bicker, this will diffuse the small fights and let you actually be friends again.
Respect each others' limits
After all this back and forth of supporting each other, you will definitely need some time to yourself. This goes for physical space as well as emotional space.
Have a discussion about how you will arrange time and space to work from home. Does someone need more privacy or quiet? Do you prefer working around each other over coffee?
Schedule private time and space so you can not only work privately as needed, but also just have personal time alone. Does one of you prefer showering in the morning vs. at night? Are there chances to get some alone time - running an errand, taking a drive, walking the dog? Is there a room or space in your home that can be just for you? I mean, even the bathroom can be your sanctuary a few times day. Space is just like money - whether you have a lot or a little of it, you can still budget it.
Carve out emotional space for each other too. Simple questions like, “I want to talk to you about x topic. Is now a good time?” will help prevent overwhelm. It's important to stay informed, for example, but sometimes people need a break from the news and updates. If you need to talk about an important issue, check in about when is a good time. No one should feel ignored or dismissed, but there needs to be some respect for limits. Quarantine is not a free-for-all!
Create a game plan together
Make sure you are on the same page about budgeting, preparing resources for a long-term quarantine, and creating emergency plan. If you're stocking up on shelf-stable food, but your partner keeps treating your emergency stash like afternoon snacks, that's a sign that you're not thinking about things in the same way. Which means you’re more likely to build anxiety, resentment, and have a disagreement.
Create short-, medium- and long-term plans for how you will prepare for and use this time. You can each have input and take on certain tasks. That way neither of you feels like you’re taking on more responsibility by yourself.
Is one of you stressed with work, while the other is taking over the living room with their crafting hobbies? Is one of you trying to save money while the other is nervously overdoing it on Instacart? Who will be in charge of groceries and meal planning? Who will make sure you still have movie night with no talk of news? Are you each taking health precautions seriously? You will each naturally gravitate toward a task, but also make sure no one feels they are doing it alone. You and your partner want to feel useful to each other, and this is a great way to make that happen.
But, remember what we said about giving each other space? It’s also important to remember to turn the planning off, and just enjoy your time together.
Megan Papageorge is an Event Producer, Wedding Planner, and the CEO of Sweet Peach Planning. A wedding or event may be the last thing on your mind, but she gives great advice about how to ensure you don’t go into overdrive with these conversations.
As a Wedding Planner I work extremely closely with couples and have come to understand how identifying communication styles and working at a pace comfortable for both people is extremely important. Planning a large event like a wedding, baby shower or upcoming trip is really exciting and you may be tempted to talk about it, work on logistics and discuss options all day every day. Although this may be fun for one partner it may make the other partner feel overwhelmed and ultimately the thrill of the project becomes more of a chore. I encourage all my clients to choose only five hours a week to work on their wedding, either an hour each weeknight or five hours on the weekend. This limited timing allows for lots of productivity, excitement and ability for the person in the relationship with less bandwidth to have rest and rejuvenation in between tasks.
This has proven very effective in planning big events but with the current situation of couples cooped up at home I would suggest trying it for every day communication also. If there is a group project like cleaning out the garage, a board game marathon, doing taxes or anything else structured as a couple, do in moderation. Being in a tight space or one home can already make someone feel restricted so over scheduling can cause further anxiety.
I suggest having a conversation with your partner to create a loose plan of how they see your time together inside. Do they want to have some alone time during the day to keep up with work but share a meal and do projects together or fun activities at night? Do they want to take this opportunity to catch up on sleep or want to get in some extra cuddling? I'm not advising to sketch out every hour but by simply talking about expectations you may cohabitate more naturally and can keep your expectations achievable.
The important thing (even not during a quarantine) is that you feel your relationship is equal, and that decisions are made together. Slowing your conversations down and making sure you are listening as much as you are talking will go a long way in reducing stress and increasing your trust and connection. Share this article with your partner to get those conversations going!
If you are spending more time than ever at home together, some of the cracks in your relationship may be starting to show. With more flexibility in your schedule and possibly more down time than you know what to do with, it might be a great time to start working on your relationship with a professional. Prospect Therapy welcomes individuals and couples of all genders and sexualities. We are currently offering online therapy appointments that you can attend from the comfort of your home. Call us at (562) 704-4736 or send us a message below to schedule your free, confidential consultation.