Does it feel like no matter what you do, you aren’t accomplishing as much as your peers? *Even if you actually are?* Whether it’s education, career moves, or relationships, you feel inferior because everyone seems to have their lives more figured out than you. This can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, and imposter syndrome.
If you’re feeling left behind, you aren’t alone. It’s common for everyone to experience this mindset from time to time, especially young people. Early adulthood is a time when many people are exploring their place in the world.
Culture tells us that by your 30s, it's expected that you've made some way down your chosen path.
We all know that friend or family member who knew exactly what they wanted to do in their career from an early age. Or the 22-year-olds who were high-school sweethearts and are now happily married. If this isn't the case for you, however, you’re likely doing just fine in your own respect. Perhaps, you aren’t only doing just fine; you’re thriving!
What we don't hear about as often, are the people who later in life are changing careers, exploring their sexuality, or moving to a new city -- without it being framed as a gimmick, an anomaly, or some Under the Tuscan Sun BS. The truth is, any choice you make deliberately is the right choice for you.
Maybe for you it feels like no matter what you accomplish, you can’t convince yourself that you're "doing it right." Or you're stuck in comparison-mode. Let’s examine some ways you can lose this mindset and begin focusing on everything that you’re doing right.
Appreciate Your Accomplishments and Experiences
We tend to underestimate ourselves. Often, when we accomplish something, we have thoughts about how we could’ve done better. Research frequently shows that when faced with something neutral, humans tend to see that thing as negative. It’s not just you, it’s a natural response to skew negative, even for things that we think we should be happy about. Maybe this partially explains Resting Bitch Face. ("I'm not mad, that's just my face!)
For example, graduating from college is a significant accomplishment. But you may finish a strenuous, expensive 4-year degree and think, well everyone does that, it’s no big deal. Or you compare yourself to others: “This person got better grades than me,” or “They did more extracurriculars.” Suddenly, your accomplishment seems inferior, and you don’t feel all that great about what you’ve done.
One tool from cognitive behavioral therapy is to make an effort to notice these thoughts when they pop up, and then replace them with something else.
It's not enough to just try to force yourself to erase negative thoughts. You will frequently have negative thoughts!
But replacing them with something positive that is also true goes much farther in changing your mindset and your emotional response.
Try to reframe your thoughts to focus on the things that you have done right. Keep in mind that everything you’ve learned along the way is valuable. Besides, you may be moving forward with lessons that others haven’t learned.
Re-evaluate Your Goals
It’s so easy to compare yourself to people your age. You may feel bad because one peer already has a high-paying job, and another one is married and starting a family. Try to keep in mind that success is subjective. What some consider success, others don’t. We each have different goals, after all.
Instead of comparing, focus on what your meaning of success is, according to your goals. Try not to let others’ notions of success influence your judgment. Again, if you’re feeling unsuccessful compared to those your age, focus on what is going right. What lessons are you learning, and what goals are you accomplishing?
How do you define success? Try to think of it not as a dollar amount or a zip code. Think of it in terms of your values. Do you cherish independence, flexibility, connection? Where do you have those things in your life?
I know what you're thinking. But this isn't simply "making excuses for your failures" or trying to justify yourself. It's really examining what it is that you envy about that person's situation. Do they seem to have more independence, more support, fewer regrets? No, you don't want their home or their job, but maybe those things help them have a better self-image, or more stability. If those are the things you want, you can find a way to get those things in a way that's meaningful to you.
Reframe the Shame
If you fear that you’re falling behind from your peers, remember that everyone goes through periods of life that are “less successful” than others. We can’t be succeeding all the time. Otherwise, that wouldn’t be “success” at all.
The setbacks and the slumps are more than just building character. They are just as valuable as the high points. Every experience you have is teaching you something, and is valuable in making you a full and complex person.
I help my clients reframe what they thought of as “mistakes,” into just another part of you expressing itself, and trying to teach you something.
We need periods in our life that aren’t as fruitful as others, to remind us what we’re working so hard for and how far we’ve come. Try to reframe the shame you feel regarding the “less successful” periods of your life. Falling behind and getting delayed or sidetracked is a part of the journey.
Life Has No Correct Order
You have probably had specific goals in mind for most of your life.
We tend to have benchmarks for when these goals should happen, and if they aren’t happening in that timeframe, we panic. It’s vital to unlearn this idea that life events MUST occur in a particular order.
Sometimes, other things get in the way of the timeline, such as health issues, unexpected opportunties, familial duties, or money issues.
Some people graduate from college at 22 while some graduate at 60. Some people start a family sooner than they planned, others start much later than they expected. Many define their family without children at all. There is no right or wrong answer—it’s all about finding the order that works best for you.
Again, the only way to accomplish a goal “incorrectly,” is to do it for someone else.
No matter where you’re at in life, you deserve to feel good about yourself. You deserve to feel good about your accomplishments; life is way too short to feel inferior to others. You aren’t failing, and you aren’t falling behind. Keep going at your own pace, and all of your hard work will see success in its own time!
If you are trying to separate out your own personal goals from what you think other expect of you, therapy can be a great place to get really honest about what's important to you. You can customize your own path to success, without feeling like you’re settling, or sacrificing. Prospect Therapy is an LGBTQ+ affirming therapy practice in Long Beach, CA, that serves individuals and couples of all genders and sexualities. Call us at (562) 704-4736 or click below to request your free, confidential consultation.