It’s reasonable to expect some level of disagreement or discomfort in any close relationship.
But many of us fall into the trap of thinking any and all conflicts are bad, and there’s a serious problem if we’re disagreeing too often.
One of the hallmarks of a disconnected relationship, however, is no conflict at all.
The most intimate - and most conflicted - relationships many of us have are with our family members.
So, what happens when a family member’s behavior makes you uncomfortable — to the point where it borders on abusive? Many people struggle with telling the difference, especially when it comes to family. People are often encouraged to give extra slack to people simply because they are related. That’s bullshit!
If you are uncomfortable because of a family member’s behavior, you don’t need to suffer in silence. There are steps you can take to determine if the behavior can be fixed. If it can’t, you may need to consider cutting ties altogether.
Uncomfortable Behavior Vs. Emotional Abuse
The best way to determine if someone’s behavior is abusive is to note if there is a pattern. Anyone can misspeak or accidentally leave you off a group text once in a while.
But, if you notice the conflict happens repeatedly around the same topic or situation, maybe there’s more to it. If you can predict what will happen, that may indicate a pattern.
Another sign of toxicity is lack of accountability. If you have addressed the issue clearly with them and they don’t acknowledge your side, that is a flag for toxicity that may even be intentional.
Accountability + concerted effort go hand in hand. Them simply validating your feelings but without trying to change their habits is even worse than no acknowledgement at all.
The hard part for us is being clear and honest - sometimes we think we’ve done our best to bring it up. Or we may even think we “shouldn’t have to bring it up, they should just know by now.” It’s on us to take the risk and hold ourselves accountable by getting honest.
It’s a balance, though. I’m not here for cancel culture, and demanding accountability that is beyond someone’s capacity is also toxic.
What is healthy conflict?
We know conflict is important in relationships. What is a healthy conflict?
A healthy conflict has room for discomfort and disagreement without it being a disaster. It is not defensive. Each person is able to balance the request for accountability while also admitting our own faults. Then we agree on how to do better for each other.
People worry acknowledging someone’s feelings means they are condoning a negative behavior they don’t want anymore. They worry it means they are “giving permission” or even welcoming more of the same in the future.
But acknowledgment actually lowers people’s defenses and makes them more likely to hear your side of things.
And remember, you don’t have to agree by the end of the argument. The important part of conflict is understanding each others’ points of view.
Having That Difficult Conversation
We may feel that we don’t have as much choice when it comes to family members. There is a lot of pressure to “make up because that’s your mom. You’ll regret it when they’re gone.”
But remember: You get to decide if it’s worth it.
In many cases, the healthiest thing you can do is end a relationship.
However, if you want to mend the relationship instead of cutting ties, a difficult conversation needs to happen.
Give them a chance to explain and listen to their perspective on the situation. If they acknowledge their wrongdoing, you can work towards a resolution. It helps when setting boundaries to outline a clear exchange: “I can do this action but I will need that in exchange, every time.” (Read more about Setting Boundaries vs. Giving an Ultimatum here.)
However, if they invalidate your experiences and refuse to take accountability, you may want to consider ending the relationship for good.
Remember, you aren’t condoning abuse by giving your family member a chance to explain themselves. Instead, you’re taking a responsible step towards trying to maintain a relationship. It’s also your responsibility to yourself to know when to stop trying.
Limiting Contact or Cutting Ties
If someone refuses to respect your boundaries, you can choose to limit your relationship.
Whether that is the amount of time per visit, only for certain situations or events, take specific topics of conversation off the table, or only when there are enough other safe people around — whatever you feel most comfortable with.
You owe it to yourself to explain why you’re cutting ties and why it’s essential to you. You can also explain that you would reconsider if they’re willing to respect your boundaries — but stick to it.
Or you may decide to cut ties altogether.
This is difficult because of the pressure from others. Don’t let other family members tell you that you’re overreacting. This might occur because you are holding secrets for the other person. You can explain to other people in as much or little detail as you want as to why you’ve cut ties or limited time with your family member. When others know the full story, the pressure to involve yourself tends to die down.
Coping With an Estranged Family Situation
It’s not easy having estranged family members. The best thing you can do for yourself is to seek therapy to work through the situation and the aftermath. Toxic people are good at manipulating the narrative or spewing lies about a situation, which may begin to make you feel like it’s your fault.
Remember that it isn’t your fault, your feelings are valid, and therapy can help keep you from internalizing the abuse.
Along with therapy, it’s good to have close family and friends who support you. Rely on the people who have your back, especially when you’re going through a difficult family situation. And, if you’re ever at an event where your estranged family member is there, your friends and family can act as a buffer, so you don’t have to interact with them.
Finding a Support System
Many people fear that they’ll lose a vital support system in their family when they cut ties. The holidays are a particularly challenging time for people who have estranged families.
If you’re estranged from your family, you can find a new one. You don’t have to accept toxicity in your family. Surround yourself with people who love you, respect you, and respect your boundaries. As adults, we have the power to reject emotionally abusive family members and find new, supportive ones.
Consider throwing an event or holiday party for people in your situation — you may find that you feel more comfortable with your chosen family than you ever did with your given one.
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Prospect Therapy is a queer + trans affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA, with a focus on mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy for a variety of mental wellness and relationship concerns to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we bring lived experience to our work with LGBTQ+ folks of all ages in our communities by requesting a consultation below.