Every relationship requires three huge factors to be successful: communication, trust, and respect. You’re not the only person with skin in the game, so you need to have a level of faith in someone else. You have to believe that they’ll respect you and your boundaries. This can take a lot of work within two people. So how does trust happen in an open or polyamorous relationship?
Many people assume that jealousy doesn’t exist in an open relationship or that people don’t have the right to be jealous when they’re committing to multiple people in various ways. But this forgets a key part of all relationships - hello, there are humans involved! Humans have feelings, needs and wants.
People in open relationships do experience jealousy, and it’s completely valid — but how do you work through these feelings? Especially if you are new to non-monogamy?
Understanding Non-Monogamy
Before we dive into how to work through jealousy in any relationship, it’s important to understand what that even means. There are so many different terms and types of relationships under the consensual non-monogamy (CNM) or ethical non-monogamy (ENM) umbrella.
We use the words ethical or consensual to indicate that the non-monogamy is “above board,” and that participants in the relationship are informed about expectations and commitments. (Sounds like the kind of thing monogamous relationships could use, amiright?)
Rather than seeing this as a type of “monogamy-lite,” however, think of non-monogamy as a fundamentally different way of viewing relationships. Many people come to CNM through wanting to “spice up” their relationship, but there is much more to it than that. People who embrace CNM essentially de-center the primary, monogamous relationship as the ultimate goal of relationships.
Exploring the nuances of CNM would be a whole separate blog post (coming soon!) but it’s important to understand the wide range of experiences among monogamous and non-monogamous partners.
Open relationships are not necessarily the same as polyamorous ones. There can be a lot of variations in this realm.
Open relationships may typically involve a monogamous couple who mutually agree to have sexual relationships or encounters with other people. These outside relationships may usually be casual and non-committal.
Polyamorous couples are often in a committed relationship with one another, but each partner has the freedom to have other committed relationships. The other committed relationships may intertwine with one another, or each one may be separate.
Some couples are swingers, meaning the couple is monogamous but they have agreed-upon sexual excursions with other people.
It’s important to know what each of these terms means for you and your partner(s). You’d be surprised how often people use words differently and don’t realize it!
Boundaries in Open Relationships
For literally every type of relationship, from romantic to familial and everything in between, boundaries are important. So just like any other relationship, open ones require rules and boundaries.
This can be a little confusing, because you may think that because there is sex with other people involved, you don’t have a right to feel jealous or hurt in the relationship. But this definitely isn’t true.
When you enter an open relationship, you set boundaries just like you would in a monogamous one. It’s important that you and your partner set rules that you’re both comfortable with.
For example, you may be okay with your partner having casual flings, but you don’t want to see their partners. This may be a firm boundary. So, what happens if they cross that line and bring one of their partners home while you’re watching Netflix on the couch? While they aren’t doing anything wrong by having sex with another person, they are in the wrong for disregarding your boundary.
In this example, you have every right to be upset, and you may feel jealous as well. But the last thing you ever want to do is push these feelings away. You might think that because you “signed up for an open relationship, you’re not allowed to be upset.”
Your emotions are valid. Period. End of story. But it definitely means that a conversation with your partner is needed.
Coping with Jealousy
So now you feel jealous. What the hell do you do with that? When you feel jealousy in an open relationship, it doesn’t mean that you’re in the wrong or aren’t “good at being poly.” But you have to face those feelings and get to the root cause. Don’t hold back your feelings; instead, initiate a conversation with your partner. Explain to them why you’re upset, focusing on your feelings and using language in the first person (i.e. “I felt hurt and jealous when you crossed that boundary we set.”) and suggest that you revisit and reestablish your boundaries and rules as a couple.
No relationship can succeed without each partner’s needs being met. But when the dynamics can be a little more complicated, such as an open relationship, you may need to communicate more directly to ensure your needs are met. When you feel jealous, remember that you’re experiencing something normal and natural.
The most important thing you can do, in any situation? Trust your gut — if something feels wrong, then it probably is wrong. This doesn’t mean that your relationship isn’t working; it just means that you need to mutually reevaluate your needs and boundaries as a couple.
Be Patient
Building trust takes time. Whether you’re in an open or poly relationship, trust doesn’t happen in a relationship overnight. It will take time for both of you to establish the intimacy and faith required to trust your partner. We are human, so you both may make some mistakes along the way. But that happens. Remember to be patient not only with yourself but also with the process of building trust.
Over time, you will become more adjusted to negotiating non-monogamous relationships - if that’s what you decide you want! Remember, there are as many ways to be in a relationship as there are people. You and your partner(s) can decide what works best for you. Feelings of jealousy, resentment, avoidance, and all the other intimate feelings may come up, but you actually have more partners and more communication skills to handle them.
Open and polyamorous relationships are great for many people, but only when everyone is on the same page. If you aren’t sure where to start when you’re setting boundaries or you need help working through trust issues, consider seeking couples and relationship counseling to help establish firmer boundaries in your relationship.
At Prospect Therapy, we have therapists with experience working through the complexities of all types of relationships. We don’t pathologize CNM or encourage you to change your relationship structure from the jump. Please reach out if you’re looking for support in your relationship. Yes, even traditional ones.
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Prospect Therapy is a queer + trans affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA, with a focus on mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy for a variety of mental wellness and relationship concerns to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we bring lived experience to our work with LGBTQ+ folks of all ages in our communities by requesting a consultation below.