December 31 is my favorite day of the year! No matter what we've been through, tomorrow is a new day.
Everyone's talking about goal-setting right about now. I'm not too cool to join in. No matter how difficult things are, setting a vision and intention helps me feel like I have some agency over the things in my life. Even when — ESPECIALLY WHEN — most things feel really out of my hands.
I love dreaming about the future and creating my life around that vision. It doesn’t always go as planned. Sometimes it goes WAY OFF track. And sometimes that vision changes without me realizing it.
Even if it feels unrealistic, indulgent, or hopeless. I would much rather be married to my hopes and dreams than be married to my struggle.
Dreaming doesn’t mean ignoring oppression and obstacles. We can be painfully cognizant of the myriad reasons why things are difficult. Often more difficult for us than for others. We have no choice but to acknowledge them, and we should.
But we can also look past those barriers. It’s not like instilling hope means I will accidentally forget what’s holding me back. I’m reminded of those obstacles every day.
We can hold our baggage and our plane ticket at the same time.
If you have the courage and vulnerability to say "This is what I want for myself,” I’m rooting for you. Here are some of my best reminders for setting your goals, whenever you’re ready to start.
How to set new year’s resolutions
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Set a standard, not a schedule.
This is helpful when part or all of your goal is up to someone else. Pick a PROCESS or an OUTCOME. Don’t pick both.
Usually people will try to control their environment to force themselves into a new habit. How many times have you time-blocked every hour of your week? And then completely gave up the first time you skipped “relaxation break #2 from 10:11 am to 10:24 am”?
Instead, set a standard for what you can do, and worry less about WHEN or HOW you will do it.
An example of an Outcome goal is: I will get a new job by February 1. Yes, we need deadlines to keep us on track (and you may need to meet that February 1 deadline.) It could even be a reasonable amount of time. But a big part of that goal is out of your control, and it might not happen.
What happens when Feb 1 comes and you don’t have a new job? Will you feel disappointed and maybe give up your job search for a few weeks? Try to stick it out at your current place of employment and give up on your goal? Feel like a loser for not meeting that reasonable goal in the first place?
A Process goal would be: I want to spend at least 2 hours a week focused on getting a new job.
I know you’re tempted to say “I’ll apply to 10 jobs a week until I get a new one." But there may not be 10 jobs a week that you like. You might end up applying for something no-so-great just to say you hit that 10-jobs-a-week goal. Not so helpful.
Instead of focusing on the outcome, focus on your process, or what you CAN control. Those two hours a week could be spent researching jobs, developing a needed skill by taking a class, letting your networks know you're looking, working on getting a promotion or transfer at your current job, or submitting applications.
Process goals also help with the "I skipped one day so now I'm just giving up completely" trap that some of us (ahem) fall into. If you miss those two hours one week, you can still make them up the next week. But if you miss the February 1 deadline, you're more likely to feel defeated. You might miss out on other steps you could take while being in your feelings.
Conversely, if you find yourself fiddling with things and constantly doing busy work without a clear purpose, having an outcome-based goal will give you structure and guidance. It will also help you get clear on what’s important.
For example, maybe you keep arranging and re-arranging your living space, online shopping for new decor or furniture, and cleaning the same cluttered area repeatedly. You might need to ask yourself what is making you uncomfortable at home? What’s the purpose behind all the fussing?
Maybe you want it to feel more personal, or welcoming, or organized so that you can invite guests. Or you moved to a new city and don’t feel quite “at home.” Or you hate where you live and want to move. You can pick an outcome goal like, “I want to throw a birthday party for myself this year.” Or I want to move into a different neighborhood and no amount of Home Goods + Target visits will get me there. I want to save $$ for a security deposit or down payment. These types of goals will keep you moving, but in a specific direction.
(Read More: Frustrated That Your Goal-Setting Isn’t Working?)
Now that you’re clear on what type of goals to set, don’t forget this:
If your goal is not congruent with your self-image, it is less likely you'll meet it.
Are you becoming MORE like your true self, or less? Did you pick a goal to erase some aspect of your personality or trait? How has that worked for you so far?
For example: I want to be super organized and have a gleaming, museum-like home. I’m going to stick with the at-home example.
If you haven't lived like that so far - what are the chances you'll magically become that person overnight, or even over a few months? We tend to revert back to our baseline anytime we try to force ourselves into being someone we’re not.
Think about WHY you want that goal. Are you comparing yourself to someone else? Do you just want to feel less chaotic? Do you think you *need* to live like that in order to be an official adult? How can you meet those goals?
What if what you really want is for your home to feel comforting and welcoming for visitors? How else can you do that? Instead of getting rid of clutter, make a home for it and give it a place to BELONG. (Hint: This trick goes for all our chaotic, messy, and embarrassing feelings too.)
Instead of trying to put things in a closet or sweeping them under the rug, create the space around them so they feel at home. Then - your place isn't disorganized and messy, it's just uniquely you!
Which leads me to:
Fake it ‘til you make it. But don’t believe your own hype.
I did a lot of this this year. I would really play up what was going well. Sure, some things weren’t going so great, but LOOK OVER HERE. This is great! And it’s true, there has been so, so much for me to be grateful for.
But if I was really being honest, I would have paid more attention to what wasn’t working.
I had people in my life who didn’t belong there. I was spending a lot of energy trying to make things work for everyone, when I should have stuck to my vision. I kept believing that things could improve, so I just thought I could fake it until they caught up. But they never did. And instead, it caught up with me.
The lesson here is: It’s ok to focus on the good things, and even share about them with other people. It’s not bypassing or avoiding to celebrate the good things.
But I spent so much energy focusing on the good, that I started believing my own BS.
You can fake it til you make it, but don’t fake yourself out. You need to be honest about what’s not working. No, you don’t need to broadcast it. But you DO need to be accountable to yourself.
And one more thing:
Make your goals tangible and visible.
Those “fundraiser thermometers” that keep track of how much money has been raised actually work. They put an abstract idea into concrete terms.
Put a picture of your dream vacation spot where you will see it every day. Keep a list of things you will need in order to move to a new city.
I still feel like whenever I write things down, they end up happening. Not by magic or “white-girl-manifestation,” but because it helps me make choices that get me where I want to go.
When even your loftiest goals become part of your daily routine, every decision you make will lead you to that goal. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by how far away you are, you’ll start to make choices that get you there every day.
Don't be afraid to start whenever you want. Yes, even if it's on January 1.
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Prospect Therapy is a queer + trans affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA, with a focus on mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy for a variety of mental wellness and relationship concerns to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we bring lived experience to our work with LGBTQ+ folks of all ages in our communities by requesting a consultation below.