Picking a therapist is like online dating. No really, it’s exactly like it. (Minus the romantic part, obviously...)
When you’re swiping right on people, there can be a serious art to it. You may scroll past hundreds of people at any given time, so you need to really sit down and ask yourself the ultimate question: What are you looking for?
As far as small talk goes, in the dating world this may be things like: casual hookup or baby daddy? Tall, dark, and handsome or short, sweet, and ginger? These questions probably won’t relate to your hunt for the perfect therapist (although gender can play a factor in therapist choice), but when you get to the deeper questions, there are some serious parallels.
No really, what are you looking for?
Choosing a therapist can be a PROCESS. You most likely aren’t looking for someone to talk about the weather with. This person will be learning about your life experiences, your trauma, your deepest fears and insecurities, and maybe even your wildest thoughts. There is a deep level of intimacy and trust that has to be built and maintained.
Though it is entirely professional, it is still a relationship that can be incredibly impactful and profound on your life. Sometimes it can feel like trying to pick your soulmate without even meeting them. And we’ve all seen those shows on Netflix… that shit does NOT always work so well.
There are many different types of therapists out there, with a variety of specialties, experiences, backgrounds, educations, schools of thought, and even couch styles or Zoom backgrounds. It’s important to do some research on the styles and schools of therapy. This will help you know what to expect when it comes to the literal format of the sessions. Doing your homework can be useful sometimes, I promise.
What are the Different Types of Therapy?
There are too many styles and theories of psychotherapy to explore in one blog post. Like most people, once you start seeing lists of words like psychodynamic, cognitive behavioral, cognitive processing, prolonged exposure, acceptance and commitment therapy, accelerated resolution therapy, somatic, relational, emotionally focused therapy, Gestalt, Imago…. you might start to tune out. (It’s ok, we do too.)
You can and should research some of these types of therapy to see if they resonate with you. But the truth is, your connection with your therapist - and what they personally bring to any school or model of therapy - will tell you what you need to know.
Instead of learning everything about every type of therapy and then looking for that person, allow me to suggest a different approach.
Ask your potential therapist what style of therapy they use, and why they use it.
This will give you a sense of how they think about their work, their level of understanding and expertise, and also how they explain complex information to you as a client. That’s what you really want to know, right?
This may feel super overwhelming, so where do you start?
A great starting point for determining what kind of therapist you want is deciding where you land on your therapist’s level of lived experience.
What is lived experience?
Lived experience is...well...exactly that! It is the life experiences your therapist has gone through as a human being which can impact what they personally bring to your sessions. I know, it may be hard to believe, but therapists are real live humans with personal lives, families, hobbies, dysfunctional families, mental diagnoses, and traumas just like the rest of us. Bizarre, right?
While it is your therapist’s job to remain professional in your work together, there will always be a lens of personal experience through which they’ll come to the table. Yeah, this can totally impact their style of working with you, but it can also drastically alter your feelings toward therapy with them in general.
Sometimes we need them to have lived experience, because… how else would they understand? If your therapist can relate to where you’ve been, or the path you’ve taken, it can reduce a lot of the explaining you might have to do. It can also feel more intuitively comfortable knowing you have a commonality. Sharing your coming out experience with a queer person or expressing anger towards racial injustice you’ve experienced can feel safer when your therapist can relate.
When seeking a therapist who shares your lived experience, such as similar identities or journeys, it may feel like a hugely important thing to find. But it can also be the total opposite.
Sometimes we DO NOT want them to have lived experience.
Just like every therapy journey is different, the desire for someone who hasn’t been in your shoes can be for lots of different reasons. Maybe meeting with someone who has a similar past can feel like therapy with a judgmental parent or family member from your past. And seriously, therapy with your mother as the therapist sounds pretty intense.
Sometimes it can be SO much harder to share emotions around people you already feel connected to. We don’t want to cry or discuss topics we’re ashamed of in front of someone we identify with. It can feel like you have to compare your experience to theirs. If we’re not used to discussing our sex life with anyone in our community, it can feel like you have “put a face on” with a therapist who is also in that community. Or if you are questioning something that you have in common, you might feel shy about distancing yourself from them in that way. You don’t want to come across as the judgmental one!
Even feelings of jealousy can come up if you know they’ve faced the same issues but have had different results. For example, it might hurt to see a therapist who has “figured out” their gender story or whose partner is “totally accepting” of them, even though they seemed to have some of the same identities as you and your experience has not been as positive.
Another complicated set of feelings may be internalized shameful messages about what it means to be a specific ethnicity, gender, etc. and think “one of those people” can’t help me. Even when YOU are one of “those people,” you may be wrestling with acceptance of that identity and it will hinder your ability to process hearing it from someone you might have subconscious biases against.
And maybe, you just don’t care who your therapist is outside of therapy session. It’s totally normal to not have any interest in their identities or labels as long as they know how to work with what you want to tackle. Someone may be an absolute expert on poly couples, trauma, or burnout, for example; and it may have nothing to do with their identity.
The truth is, no one has exactly the same story as you, no matter how much they have in common.
After all, therapists are human beings with our own complex lives. And despite whatever their training, they will get it, but they will also get things wrong.
When it really comes down to choosing the right therapist for you, it’s about having to decide how you feel about a few questions:
Do I want to explain things to someone in my own community, or someone outside of it?
Would having a shared experience complicate things, or would it get the basics out of the way so I can focus on what brought me to therapy?
Is that part of my identity what brought me to therapy in the first place?
Will it help or distract me if the therapist shares that identity with me?
This isn’t a test - there are no right or wrong answers. The only answers that matter are the truths for your lived experience. The end goal is to find someone you feel comfortable working with to help you navigate whatever you came to navigate in a safe, comfortable, productive space.
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Prospect Therapy is a queer + trans affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA, with a focus on mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy for a variety of mental wellness and relationship concerns to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we bring lived experience to our work with LGBTQ+ folks of all ages in our communities by requesting a consultation below.