By Sara Stanizai.
In my previous post, we explored how childhood dynamics shape our adult relationships, identifying common roles such as the Hero Child, Scapegoat Child, and Lost Child. Understanding these roles is the first step toward healing our relationships, but the real work lies in transforming these ingrained patterns into healthier relational dynamics.
Maybe you resonated with one or more of these roles. But now what?
What do you do when you feel stuck in these relationship patterns from your family?
According to Relational Life Therapy, understanding and using the basic concepts of the Adaptive Child, Wounded Child, and Wise Adult can help guide your journey toward healthier relationships.
By Sara Stanizai
It might be a therapy cliche, but our family roles profoundly shape who we become as adults.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this (and sharing with my clients) especially recently. I’m making my way through a certification and training with my therapy hero, Terry Real, an LCSW and the founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT).
In our trainings, he sheds light on the specific roles children often adopt within their families of origin. These roles—such as the Hero Child, the Scapegoat Child, and the Lost version of each of these—can have lasting effects on our behaviors and relationships as we navigate adulthood.
This especially resonates as I run the Eldest Daughters group and do more research on the impact of birth order on our mental health. It’s never as cut and dry as eldest/middle/youngest/only.
Understanding these roles can help us identify patterns in our romantic relationships, friendships, and professional lives, providing a pathway to healing and personal growth that we may not find in traditional therapies.
Which one are you?
Like many pop psychology terms, people really throw around the idea of “going no contact.” It can be tempting to cutting ties with someone in your most heated moment — and it’s true, it can ultimately be beneficial to move on with your life.
But if you value community care, and wanting to do right by the people in your life, it can be confusing to figure out when and if it’s the right decision, and how to ethically do it.
What does going no contact actually mean and how can it help or harm you? How do you know if it’s the right decision for you? Have you truly done all you can - and should you?
The phrase “trauma-informed” is being thrown around all over the internet, but what does it actually mean?
Being trauma-informed goes beyond simply acknowledging the existence of trauma and its effects on mental health. Trauma-informed therapy is an actual approach to care that revolves around specific core principles. What a skilled therapist does with those principles, and how they implement them in the therapy room, will vary.
How we generate trust, safety, choice, collaboration and empowerment for our clients depends on what you have experienced in the past and what you might need now. (It’s those. Those are the principles.) This involves a deliberate and thoughtful approach to therapy that influences every choice we make as a therapist, both in session and when setting up our practice.
If you’re seeking therapy or if you’re a therapist yourself, it’s crucial to understand this concept so that you know how therapy works — and if it’s working for you.
Most of my clients have been to therapy before. Many have tried therapy several times over their life, but they never felt it was that helpful or they found it difficult to find a therapist who was a good fit. There are plenty of reasons why this might be the case, and this post aims to explore one of the main offenders: a very common type of therapy practiced is CBT, and using CBT alone may not be a great choice for neurodivergent brains.
Everyone has a hard time focusing occasionally. There are often legitimate reasons that underlie chronic procrastination.
For many people, it’s easy to chalk up procrastination to laziness. In reality, those who procrastinate often aren’t lazy at all. Instead, there are merely other problems that get in the way of completing tasks in a timely fashion. One way to figure out what causes your procrastination is to pay attention to the thoughts and feelings that come up when you avoid a task.
In so many recent conversations, I’ve heard about the specific challenges experienced by immigrant communities and first- and second-generation Americans. Like so many things, putting a name and framework to a cluster of experiences can be immensely healing.
For many of us, we don’t realize the impact of this identity — until we do.
It’s a strange experience trying to pay back an invaluable debt that you didn’t really ask for but very much appreciate.
I spoke with Lindsey Phillips at Counseling Today about what it’s like to work with my community therapeutically. She ended up writing an excellent article about the specific mental health challenges experienced by first- and second-generation Americans and how we can find healing.
We’ve all been there. You agreed to make plans (showing up for a birthday party, scheduling a meeting with your supervisor, attending an extended family event) and you’re totally dreading it.
Your introverted, anxious, or depressed side is regretting your recent optimism. “WTF was I thinking?”
You look for a way to bail, but then, you don’t want to seem like a flake.
So, despite the pressure to flee building in your chest, you psych yourself up and leave the house. Then, even though things seem to be going fine, panic starts to rise in the back of your mind.
Social anxiety is a real thing.
Even people who seem to be confident, popular, and generally have their shit together, can have anxiety in social situations. Often, it's those people who have it the worst. Acting like socializing is a breeze is often a way to overcompensate for feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. Everyone feels this way occasionally, but it can be really exhausting and overwhelming when you feel like this all the time.
The holidays can be a great way to bring you and your partner closer by introducing them to your family. It can also be a really stressful time for a million other reasons, so we made this guide to help you make short work of the process.
The easiest way to make the process less stressful – prepare ahead of time.
*Thanks to HERS for the infographic!
It can be hard to tell, but sometimes our “self-care” routines are bordering on self-sabotage, and they’re not good for us at all. While it is essential to treat yourself from time to time, and also create an environment that isn’t toxic and burning you out, it’s just as important to recognize when your habits start holding you back.
Everyday self-care routines can become harmful if they’re done too frequently, or for the wrong reasons.
Sure, all kinds of parents can be over-protective. Some families may expect you to work (or stay home) depending on your age, gender, or the type of work you want to do. But immigrant communities have an added layer of stress built in, that other people don’t have to contend with. Getting a car or a diploma means so much more to us, and it may not necessarily be seen as a good thing.
Parents are acculturating at a different rate than their kids who are born or raised in America, and they really just want what’s best for you. But the accompanying ambivalence and inner conflict can lead to internalized feelings of unease, and can impact so many aspects of your life and relationships.
Things like choosing a more “palatable” name, only speaking English, choosing an unexpected career, avoiding cultural social circles, or even your romantic preferences are all places this conflict can manifest.
It’s natural to want to succeed at the things you do. But when does striving for achievement become perfectionism?
Perfectionist tendencies are the combination of wanting to do our best, while simultaneously feeling like we never actually do.
Having high standards and wanting to pursue excellence can be helpful qualities. Without them, one could argue, everyone and everything would stay mediocre.
But this is different from perfectionism, which is less about an excellent result, and more hyperfocused on not making any mistakes or having flaws.
When perfectionists make mistakes, they feel like a complete failure, fixate on the negative, and have anxiety or depression over their perceived flaws.
When people with high standards make mistakes, they forgive themselves, see it as “part of the process,” learn from it, and are not deterred from their pursuit.
How can you tell which one you are?
If you can’t afford groceries because of your therapy bills, you’re seeing the wrong therapist.
I don’t care how much you like them, how chunky their jewelry is, or how hip their eyeglass frames are. If therapy is taking away too much from other parts of your life, you’re going to hate the process.
But therapy should be a little bit uncomfortable for you as the client.
An exchange of resources - time, money, energy - helps you both be accountable to the process. But what’s a fair price for that work?
A good therapist should be able to answer that question.
For some people, relationships have always been easy but they have never had a job or subject in school they enjoyed. For others, they’ve always known what they would do for work, but socially they feel like the perpetual outsider. And some people don’t feel like anything comes easy—what a stressful place to start in!
If you’re a young adult and you feel like you’re struggling, you are most definitely not alone.
No relationship is perfect, as no single person is perfect.. But how can you tell if you’re making things better - or making things worse?
Whether your relationship is a few months old or a few decades old, there is never a wrong time to consider your relationship’s health.
No matter what specifically you’re disagreeing about, these are signs that point to strength or weak spots in your relationship.
Trauma is any experience that overwhelms our ability to cope with it.
In other words, the deciding factor of whether an experience is traumatic or not, is whether it overwhelms your ability to cope with it.
The tricky part is that frequently, one way that we try to cope with traumatic events is to minimize them. That’s our brain trying not to be overwhelmed with the magnitude of the stress. This goes for events that overwhelm us physically, emotionally, or both.
Here are three signs that you might be minimizing your trauma, and thereby actually prolonging or intensifying its effects.
Many people can be socially awkward from time to time. It’s normal to experience periods of self-doubt. It’s natural (and healthy!) to second guess ourselves sometimes, too.
The important thing about impostor syndrome (rather than just regular anxiety or self-esteem issues) is that despite fears of being inadequate, you are wholly qualified to be doing what you’re doing.
Couples counseling can benefit any couple, of any age, at any time. But doing therapeutic work with the LGBTQ+ community is different. And I believe it should be.
The representation of couples counseling in mainstream media has focused heavily on cisgender, heterosexual, and monogamous couples. But what about the rest of us? The lack of representation shouldn’t dissuade you from getting the help your relationship needs.
Sometimes, your day just really sucks. So you re-do your most recent Postmates order, put your favorite Broad City episode on for the eighty millionth time, and open up ASOS to look at the new arrivals. Two hours later, you’ve spent all your grocery money for the week on the cute shoes you felt like you absolutely needed. (They sold out last time!)
If you’ve been living with depression, you have probably tried everything to get rid of it.
It’s not as easy as just “cheering up” or “focusing on the positive,” is it? Well-meaning friends and family love giving this advice, but obviously if you could, you would have by now! Instead, you’ve tried distracting yourself by trying to constantly have fun, avoiding uncomfortable situations and focusing on anything that could be considered “self-care” (whatever that means), or just giving in and staying in bed, hoping it would clear up.
Sometimes that works! But inevitably, it comes back. Then you’re not only depressed, but frustrated that you’ve “let” depression take over again, which makes you even more depressed, irritable, and exhausted.
It’s totally normal to avoid things that make us feel uncomfortable. Whether it’s physical pain like a toothache, or something hitting us in our emotional gut, like a bill we can’t afford to pay. For some, if left unchecked, this can lead to even more depression. Avoidance and procrastination can tend to make things worse, despite the fact that they are usually just coping mechanisms for situations that are overwhelming or feel out of our control.
When you think about the type of couples that go to therapy, you’re likely conjuring up an image of partners trying to work through adultery, or those who have even more serious problems. But that’s not always the case.
While it is true that you definitely should go to a therapist if you are having trouble with your partner, the real answer to “should my partner and I go to couple’s therapy?” is always yes. Read on to find out how therapy can benefit even the happiest couples.
If the end-of-the-year holiday traditions are bringing up conflicted feelings for you, you’re not alone. For many people, feelings of nostalgia can bring up regret; trying to create (or re-create) community can feel isolating; and even joyful activities can remind us of old pains that we usually try to ignore.
Anyone who has tried to maintain a holiday tradition in the wake of a loss or major life change can tell you: Trying to keep things as they were is its own kind of torture.
Yes, another “holiday edition” blog post. They’re springing up everywhere!
This is a good one, especially for my fellow Bi+ (bisexual, pansexual, non-monosexual) folks, especially if you are in a relationship with a partner of a different gender. Bi+ people are less likely to be out, and can easily get roped into phobic rhetoric that is annoying on a good day, but triggering on a bad day.
People often feel like they have “no choice” but to commit to stressful, sometimes harmful family events. Hey guess what, you don’t have to. But if you do decide to attend, you can make it less painful for yourself and maybe even have a good time.
Convenient to Long Beach and Seal Beach at:
4510 E Pacific Coast Hwy, #540, Long Beach, CA 90804
contact@prospecttherapy.com | (562) 704-4736
