depression
Sara Stanizai
What to do When Low Moods Last Longer Than ...

It seems like a lot of people are using the internet to diagnose themselves. And it’s a great resource - people should have access to information that is relevant to their health. One of the problems with this deluge of information, however, is that it doesn’t take everyone’s personal experience into account. And before you know it, you could have a list of diagnoses that can do more harm than good.

So how can you tell the difference between regular low moods, and chronic depression?

Experiencing low moods is a natural part of life, but when these feelings persist longer than usual, it can impact various aspects of your life. Understanding how depression and prolonged low moods affect you is essential for managing your mental health. How do these feelings influence personal care, friendships, relationships, work life, and overall happiness. What can you do about it to help yourself, and when will seeing a therapist be helpful?

What to do When Low Moods Last Longer Than Normal
anxiety
Nik Stancil
Five Ways to Unhook from Anxious Thoughts

Has this ever happened to you? You’re sitting at home deliberating over whether to put on your shoes and see some friends for a night out. Maybe you should just cancel. All it would take is a text, “Sorry, can’t make it. Have a headache. :(” The temptation to climb in bed and hide under the covers grows enormous. All you can think about is that weird thing you said last week in front of a new acquaintance. Or that mistake you made at work. Or the big project that’s due next week. You’re definitely going to blow it. Your friends probably don’t really care about seeing you anyway.

But there’s another part of you, too. The part of you that loves your friends. That knows self- isolating will only make things worse. So why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we choose to opt out of things when that’s not really what we want? And, more importantly, what can we do about it when our anxious thoughts commandeer our behaviors, steering us away from what truly matters?

This is where cognitive defusion, a cornerstone of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), comes in. Cognitive defusion helps us “unhook” from anxious thoughts by creating space between us and the mental chatter. Instead of fighting or believing every thought, we learn to observe them with curiosity and let them come and go without being controlled by them.

Five Ways to Unhook from Anxious Thoughts
relationships
Sara Stanizai
Are Family Roles for Life?

By Sara Stanizai.

In my previous post, we explored how childhood dynamics shape our adult relationships, identifying common roles such as the Hero Child, Scapegoat Child, and Lost Child. Understanding these roles is the first step toward healing our relationships, but the real work lies in transforming these ingrained patterns into healthier relational dynamics.

Maybe you resonated with one or more of these roles. But now what?

What do you do when you feel stuck in these relationship patterns from your family?

According to Relational Life Therapy, understanding and using the basic concepts of the Adaptive Child, Wounded Child, and Wise Adult can help guide your journey toward healthier relationships.

Are Family Roles for Life?
relationships
Sara Stanizai
Heroes, Scapegoats, and Lost Ones: How ...

By Sara Stanizai

It might be a therapy cliche, but our family roles profoundly shape who we become as adults.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this (and sharing with my clients) especially recently. I’m making my way through a certification and training with my therapy hero, Terry Real, an LCSW and the founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

In our trainings, he sheds light on the specific roles children often adopt within their families of origin. These roles—such as the Hero Child, the Scapegoat Child, and the Lost version of each of these—can have lasting effects on our behaviors and relationships as we navigate adulthood.

This especially resonates as I run the Eldest Daughters group and do more research on the impact of birth order on our mental health. It’s never as cut and dry as eldest/middle/youngest/only.

Understanding these roles can help us identify patterns in our romantic relationships, friendships, and professional lives, providing a pathway to healing and personal growth that we may not find in traditional therapies.

Which one are you?

Heroes, Scapegoats, and Lost Ones: How Childhood Dynamics Shape Adult Relationships
relationships
Sara Stanizai
No Contact: Navigating the Decision to Cut Ties

Like many pop psychology terms, people really throw around the idea of “going no contact.” It can be tempting to cutting ties with someone in your most heated moment — and it’s true, it can ultimately be beneficial to move on with your life.

But if you value community care, and wanting to do right by the people in your life, it can be confusing to figure out when and if it’s the right decision, and how to ethically do it.

What does going no contact actually mean and how can it help or harm you? How do you know if it’s the right decision for you? Have you truly done all you can - and should you?

No Contact: Navigating the Decision to Cut Ties

anxiety

Tips for Managing Social Anxiety Before, During, and After an Event

Tips for Managing Social Anxiety Before, During, and After an Event

We’ve all been there. You agreed to make plans (showing up for a birthday party, scheduling a meeting with your supervisor, attending an extended family event) and you’re totally dreading it.

Your introverted, anxious, or depressed side is regretting your recent optimism. “WTF was I thinking?”

You look for a way to bail, but then, you don’t want to seem like a flake.

So, despite the pressure to flee building in your chest, you psych yourself up and leave the house. Then, even though things seem to be going fine, panic starts to rise in the back of your mind. 

Social anxiety is a real thing.

Even people who seem to be confident, popular, and generally have their shit together, can have anxiety in social situations. Often, it's those people who have it the worst. Acting like socializing is a breeze is often a way to overcompensate for feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. Everyone feels this way occasionally, but it can be really exhausting and overwhelming when you feel like this all the time. 

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When Self-Care Becomes Self-Sabotage

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When Self-Care Becomes Self-Sabotage

It can be hard to tell, but sometimes our “self-care” routines are bordering on self-sabotage, and they’re not good for us at all. While it is essential to treat yourself from time to time, and also create an environment that isn’t toxic and burning you out, it’s just as important to recognize when your habits start holding you back.

Everyday self-care routines can become harmful if they’re done too frequently, or for the wrong reasons.

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#FirstGenerationProblems: It Matters Where You Come From

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#FirstGenerationProblems: It Matters Where You Come From

Sure, all kinds of parents can be over-protective. Some families may expect you to work (or stay home) depending on your age, gender, or the type of work you want to do. But immigrant communities have an added layer of stress built in, that other people don’t have to contend with. Getting a car or a diploma means so much more to us, and it may not necessarily be seen as a good thing.

Parents are acculturating at a different rate than their kids who are born or raised in America, and they really just want what’s best for you. But the accompanying ambivalence and inner conflict can lead to internalized feelings of unease, and can impact so many aspects of your life and relationships.

Things like choosing a more “palatable” name, only speaking English, choosing an unexpected career, avoiding cultural social circles, or even your romantic preferences are all places this conflict can manifest.

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You Might Be a Perfectionist

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You Might Be a Perfectionist

It’s natural to want to succeed at the things you do. But when does striving for achievement become perfectionism?

Perfectionist tendencies are the combination of wanting to do our best, while simultaneously feeling like we never actually do.

Having high standards and wanting to pursue excellence can be helpful qualities. Without them, one could argue, everyone and everything would stay mediocre.

But this is different from perfectionism, which is less about an excellent result, and more hyperfocused on not making any mistakes or having flaws.

When perfectionists make mistakes, they feel like a complete failure, fixate on the negative, and have anxiety or depression over their perceived flaws.

When people with high standards make mistakes, they forgive themselves, see it as “part of the process,” learn from it, and are not deterred from their pursuit.

How can you tell which one you are?

Three Ways You Might be Minimizing Your Trauma

Three Ways You Might be Minimizing Your Trauma

Trauma is any experience that overwhelms our ability to cope with it.

In other words, the deciding factor of whether an experience is traumatic or not, is whether it overwhelms your ability to cope with it.

The tricky part is that frequently, one way that we try to cope with traumatic events is to minimize them. That’s our brain trying not to be overwhelmed with the magnitude of the stress. This goes for events that overwhelm us physically, emotionally, or both.

Here are three signs that you might be minimizing your trauma, and thereby actually prolonging or intensifying its effects.

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Feeling Like a Fraud? How to Identify Impostor Syndrome

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Feeling Like a Fraud? How to Identify Impostor Syndrome

Many people can be socially awkward from time to time. It’s normal to experience periods of self-doubt. It’s natural (and healthy!) to second guess ourselves sometimes, too.

The important thing about impostor syndrome (rather than just regular anxiety or self-esteem issues) is that despite fears of being inadequate, you are wholly qualified to be doing what you’re doing.

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Add to Cart: What Are You Really Shopping For?

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Add to Cart: What Are You Really Shopping For?

Sometimes, your day just really sucks. So you re-do your most recent Postmates order, put your favorite Broad City episode on for the eighty millionth time, and open up ASOS to look at the new arrivals. Two hours later, you’ve spent all your grocery money for the week on the cute shoes you felt like you absolutely needed. (They sold out last time!)

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The Bi+ Guide to Going Home for the Holidays

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The Bi+ Guide to Going Home for the Holidays

Yes, another “holiday edition” blog post. They’re springing up everywhere!

This is a good one, especially for my fellow Bi+ (bisexual, pansexual, non-monosexual) folks, especially if you are in a relationship with a partner of a different gender. Bi+ people are less likely to be out, and can easily get roped into phobic rhetoric that is annoying on a good day, but triggering on a bad day.

People often feel like they have “no choice” but to commit to stressful, sometimes harmful family events. Hey guess what, you don’t have to. But if you do decide to attend, you can make it less painful for yourself and maybe even have a good time.

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When to Check on Your Strongest Friend

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When to Check on Your Strongest Friend

We need to feel discomfort first, for it to go away. This doesn’t mean you have to dwell on it for days or weeks. In fact, you’ll be surprised at how even a 20-minute conversation with someone who is listening can ease your pain. Here are some questions you can ask.

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Watching Your Bloopers vs Your Highlights

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Watching Your Bloopers vs Your Highlights

What's more fun? Watching the "highlight reel" or the "blooper reel" of life?

Does it help you personally to relive the times you **nailed it**, or to dissect the times you screwed up? To celebrate your success, or to wallow in your failure? Which is more useful? More educational? More revealing?

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Frustrated That Your Goal-Setting Isn't Working?

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Frustrated That Your Goal-Setting Isn't Working?

If your goal-setting isn't working, it might be because you're focusing on the wrong tasks. Have you ever set a deadline...and then kept moving it? Do you want to be a marathon runner but don't know where to start? Use this guide to figure out how to bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be.

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How to Identify Your Own Toxic Behavior

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How to Identify Your Own Toxic Behavior

Aren't we as adults accountable for our own actions? But then, isn't everyone else responsible for theirs?

I recently spoke with Annamarie Higley at Brit + Co about how to identify our own toxic behavior. I think of this as our secret weapon when we're ready to try therapy.

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I Think I'm Feeling Burnt Out. What Do I Do?

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I Think I'm Feeling Burnt Out. What Do I Do?

No one has a stress-free job (or life), even though some people's Instagram accounts would have you believe that. 

Setting up built-in reinforcements to protect you from routine stress is essential to preventing burn out. We need to decompress, recharge, and get ready for the next challenge.

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The Nice Person's Guide to Setting Boundaries

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The Nice Person's Guide to Setting Boundaries

Yeah, ok. You keep hearing about "the importance of setting boundaries" and you kind of have an idea of what people mean by that. (It's just saying "no" a lot more frequently....right?)  

How do you set limits without hurting people's feelings? Especially when you don't even intend to be hurtful, but people take it the wrong way? Sometimes it feels easier to just give in and hope the other person notices that they're asking too much.

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How Being the "Black Sheep" of your Family Affects your Mental Health

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How Being the "Black Sheep" of your Family Affects your Mental Health

The black sheep of the family is the outcast, seen as different, written off. At best, they're playfully teased; at worst, they're rejected. The more they're ridiculed, the less likely they are to open up and share things about themselves. The less they share, the more of an outcast they become. 

Why does this happen, and what can you do about it?

Convenient to Long Beach and Seal Beach at:

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