You may be familiar with the term Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). It’s not gender dysphoria or being a highly sensitive person. If you spend any time on mental health channels on social media, you know these words can all start to sound the same.
What is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is an emotional response to the perception of rejection or criticism, which can be more intense for individuals with ADHD or certain neurodivergent traits.
It goes without saying, then, that RSD can have a huge impact on relationships. It can manifest as hypersensitivity, fear of abandonment, and emotional volatility. Unfortunately, these can easily be confused with attachment issues, personality disorders, even abuse. It is crucial for partners to recognize that RSD is not a character flaw but a neurobiological response.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria can significantly impact relationships, causing emotional turmoil and strained connections. However, with understanding, communication, and a few proactive strategies, managing RSD within your relationship is possible.
Managing RSD with Open Communication and Empathy
The foundation of any healthy relationship is effective communication. It’s important to explicitly define what “effective” means for you. It will likely look different from what you’ve generally seen or heard in the media, from your family, or your friends. Whether you’re neurodivergent or not.
When dealing with RSD, open and honest conversations become even more vital. Open may mean you hold onto your opinion until the other person is done - yes even if they take a “long time.” You pay attention to your nonverbal communication, and be open if the other person challenges it. You find out how to show that you’re listening to understand rather than listening to react.
Honest may mean that you are more direct than usual, even if it causes you discomfort. Remember, kindness is different from niceness.
Having enough empathy may not be an issue for you. In fact, if you experience RSD, you may be overly empathetic because you know how painful rejection can be. In those cases, you may need to regulate or take breaks from the discussion to practice tolerating that discomfort.
Practice NOT trying to fix the problem just to make the discomfort go away - that feeling is likely telling you something important and you want to listen to it. Remember, empathy is not about solving the problem, but about understanding and validating each other's emotions.
Figure out which of these may work for you and then practice them to see if you were right. The best time to talk about these subjects is not when you are in the midst of a disagreement. Maybe it feels awkward to discuss what openness, honesty and empathy mean to you, but you’ll have the best chance of getting on the same page if you bring it up briefly when you’re not upset.
Developing Coping Mechanisms for Managing Rejection Sensitivity
Coping mechanisms play a crucial role in managing RSD within a relationship.
When I say coping, I don’t mean pretend it doesn’t exist and cover it up with “date night” or “self-care.” I mean understand how it functions for you or your loved ones and find ways to fit it into your life.
Together, identify triggers and develop strategies to minimize their impact. This could be code words, routines, bringing up those little annoying things in the moment rather than wincing and ignoring it until next time, agreeing on boundaries around privacy (who knows about it), timing (how much time we need to process, and whether we need to be alone or not), the list goes on.
Establishing these boundaries can help create a sense of security and reduce the fear of rejection. Regularly check in with each other about your emotional well-being and adjust coping mechanisms as needed.
Think of coping mechanisms as ground rules for how you interact. Again, sometimes we think these are implicitly understood, but we don’t realize that we may have been following shitty models this whole time. So my advice is to give yourselves permission to make up your rules on your own.
Seeking Support when it comes to Rejection Sensitivity
Managing RSD is a journey that requires support from each other. You can work on things on your own and then share those findings with your loved one, but you may get there faster if you work together.
Having regular check-ins doesn’t have to be a dreadful habit. You can make a ritual around it and enjoy the process. And don’t forget that those check-ins are also about the things that are going well for your relationship!
The Role of a Neurodiversity Affirming Couples Therapist
Yes, you should rely on yourselves and not those old role models that don't make sense for you. But sometimes you still may want outside help. That’s when a neurodiversity affirming couples therapist can be incredibly beneficial. Yes, we understand attachment, and parent wounds, and codependency, personality disorders and narcissistic abuse. We also understand when that’s NOT what we’re seeing, and perhaps you have a way of relating that doesn’t fit into any of those categories.
In other words, we don’t reject one for the other (haha). We look at your relationship holistically, over a period of time, and we pull from a variety of tools to help you. The difference is, we look through an ND affirming lens, so we see things that other therapists don’t. Most therapists will say that they don't use a one-size-fits-all approach, and they’re right. You may want to make sure that they are not centering neurotypical communication standards or emotional processing styles.
A neurodiversity affirming couples therapist can provide a range of support, including:
1. Education and Validation: They help couples understand RSD and its impact on the relationship, validating the experiences of each partner. This validation can be transformative, fostering a sense of understanding and acceptance. In other words, you might be fighting about stuff you don’t have to fight about.
2. Communication Enhancement: These therapists facilitate effective communication techniques specifically tailored for neurodiverse individuals. They offer tools and strategies for expressing emotions, navigating conflicts, and building stronger connections.
3. Coping Strategies: A neurodiversity affirming therapist can help couples develop personalized coping mechanisms to manage RSD. They work collaboratively to identify triggers, explore individual needs, and implement strategies that promote emotional well-being.
4. Relationship Strengthening: These therapists focus on building resilience and connection within the relationship. They help couples identify and celebrate strengths, fostering a sense of mutual support and empowerment.
Remember, finding the right therapist is crucial. Look for professionals who have experience working with neurodiverse individuals and prioritize a neurodiversity affirming approach. With the guidance and support of a skilled couples therapist, you and your partner can navigate RSD in your relationship with greater understanding and resilience. Seeking support is not a sign of weakness, but a proactive step towards growth and understanding.
Practice Patience and Understanding in Your Relationship
Living with RSD can be challenging, but with patience and understanding, partners can navigate it together. Recognize that RSD symptoms may fluctuate, and it's essential to offer support during difficult times. Celebrate the small victories and acknowledge the progress made, reinforcing a positive environment. Remember, managing RSD is an ongoing process, and with love, patience, and understanding, you can build a stronger, more resilient relationship.
Managing rejection sensitive dysphoria in your relationship requires open communication, empathy, and the willingness to support each other. By understanding the impact of RSD and implementing coping mechanisms, you can create a nurturing environment where partners feel heard and valued. Seek professional support only when needed. Together, you can navigate the challenges of RSD and build a stronger, more connected relationship.
Read more about Neurodivergent Affirmative Therapy here.