Deciding whether or not to pursue a divorce is a deeply personal and often difficult decision. You may get conflicting messages from friends, family and even yourself. And most of those people don’t have to live with your decision.
Plus, you and your spouse may also be processing the grief of losing the marriage you thought you had, possible anxiety and depression from living in an unhappy relationship for an extended period of time, and even possibly some relational trauma from ongoing conflicts that have taken their toll.
So when people have opinions about your marriage, it can be especially stressful.
It’s understandable that you may vacillate between feeling like couples therapy is something you must do, and wanting to avoid looking too closely at this painful topic.
Fortunately, couples therapists are equipped with the skills and expertise to guide you through this challenging process. A couples therapist can assist you in making an informed decision about divorce. By working collaboratively with a therapist, you can gain clarity, explore your options, and ultimately find the path that is right for you and your relationship.
And when you choose a private practice therapist, it’s all done privately. No sharing your data with large companies and no sending records to insurance. I’m just saying.
Understanding Your Emotions When Considering Divorce
When facing the possibility of divorce, emotions can run high, making it difficult to think clearly and make rational decisions.
You may be dealing with old anger and resentment, fear about the future, disappointment in yourself or your partner, shame about not being able to “make it work,” and maybe even guilt for imagining what life could be like.
With all that going on, it can be very confusing to know what you actually want!
A couples therapist provides an open and neutral space for both partners to express their true emotions. Not just the same emotions you’ve probably rehashed over and over, but the wide variety of feelings you experience during this process.
They will guide you through the process of understanding and managing your feelings, helping you to gain perspective and clarity amidst the chaos. By exploring your emotions together, a therapist can help you make decisions based on rationality AND on intense emotions. After all, your emotions are also logical reactions to certain situations. Emotions are valuable pieces of information, and ignoring them is to throw away a whole file folder of data.
It may be intimidating to think about this. You may have been avoiding difficult conversations for a long time, so the idea of getting everything out in the open doesn’t sound great. But remember, it’s not like the disagreements you have at home. In therapy, you allow a professional to help keep you on topic and to “play fair.” Whereas at home, it may not feel as productive. It can be very illuminating to share what you actually feel, and to hear what your partner actually feels as well.
Couples Therapy: An Objective Assessment of Your Relationship
If you’ve been gridlocked on an issue for a long time, you know it can take on a life of its own. You are no longer getting anywhere, you’re simply rehashing the same disagreement repeatedly.
Meeting with a couples therapist can serve as a “reset” on the relationship, or at least on the specific disagreement. Sometimes couples get tunnel vision and only see the things that prove their point. While an outside observer, especially someone who is trained in seeing what’s underneath the conflict, can shift your perspective just enough to get unstuck.
Couples may still be moving in the same direction after couples therapy, but at least they’re moving.
Couples therapists are trained to objectively assess the dynamics of a relationship. Through careful observation and analysis, we can identify patterns of communication, conflict, and intimacy that may contribute to the difficulties you are experiencing.
Some of us even use measurable assessment tools, like the Gottman Relationship Checkup. This comprehensive questionnaire allows us to measure your satisfaction in different relationship domains, it also allows us to compare your answers with your partners’ answers. Those of us trained in using this tool know that we never share your responses with each other, so you can be as honest as you like. And even when you both rate something as “needs improvement,” at least you are on the same page about what isn’t working!
By helping you to see the bigger picture, a therapist can provide insights into the underlying issues that may be causing strain in your relationship. This objective assessment allows both partners to gain a better understanding of the dynamics at play, and whether they can be addressed and resolved through therapy or other means.
Exploring Alternatives to Divorce in Couples Therapy
One of the key roles of a couples therapist may be to explore alternatives to divorce. Often, couples come to us as a last resort before divorce, and they are hoping there is another option. As relationship experts, we will certainly explore other options. Not because we have opinions about divorce or how long someone should “try,” but because you want to make sure you’ve considered everything before deciding.
Couples therapists will work with you to identify potential solutions and strategies for improving your relationship. Through various therapeutic techniques and exercises, therapists can help you rebuild trust, enhance communication, and develop healthier patterns of interaction. By focusing on strengthening your bond, therapists can guide you through a process of healing and growth, enabling you to rediscover the love and connection that brought you together in the first place.
And if you don’t want to consider every other possible answer, you don’t have to. Sometimes divorce is your answer and you already know it. Therapy can also help you end your relationship as amicably as possible and work through the grief and other issues that arise during this process.
Facilitating Open Dialogue with your spouse in couples therapy
Effective communication is essential in any relationship, especially when contemplating divorce. A couples therapist will create an open environment where both partners can express their needs, concerns, and desires openly. We will facilitate constructive dialogue, ensuring that both parties feel heard and understood. By fostering open communication, a therapist can help you and your partner explore the possibility of reconciliation or reach a mutual understanding about the decision to divorce. A therapist’s guidance can empower you to make choices that align with your values and long-term happiness.
When to try couples therapy if you’re considering a divorce
Deciding whether to pursue a divorce is a complex and deeply personal decision. Seeking the support of a couples therapist at any point in the process can provide invaluable guidance and assistance during this challenging time. With expertise and a compassionate approach, therapists can help you understand your emotions, gain an objective assessment of your relationship, explore alternatives to divorce, and facilitate open dialogue between you and your partner. Remember, the decision to get a divorce is ultimately yours, but working with a couples therapist can help you navigate this journey with clarity, compassion, and confidence.
COUPLES THERAPY FOR DIVORCE IN LONG BEACH AND ONLINE THERAPY IN CALIFORNIA
Prospect Therapy is a queer + trans affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA, with a focus on mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy for a variety of mental wellness and relationship concerns to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we bring lived experience to our work with people of all ages in our communities by requesting a consultation below.
Read more about Couples Therapy here.