It just doesn’t seem right for the words trauma and bond to be linked. To bond with someone is a good thing, right? Quite often, it is. In fact, it can be one of the best things we have ever experienced. So, to be clear, “trauma bonding” is not about connecting and healing with someone over shared traumas. A trauma bond is something that happens to someone trapped in an abusive relationship.
This is not rare. About 40 percent of women and 10 percent of men report being victimized by intimate partner violence. The keyword there is “report.” Many more examples are kept quiet due to shame or guilt. Let’s take a closer look.
What is a Trauma Bond?
A trauma bond is a physical/chemical reaction to a negative emotional situation. Examples might include cults, elder abuse, kidnapping, and sexual abuse or trafficking. For the purposes of this post, we’ll discuss abusive romantic relationships, but the general principles hold.
The victim in a dysfunctional relationship consciously and unconsciously exerts a major effort to survive the abuse or neglect. They do whatever they need to hang on until relief arrives. Many abusers are the ones who offer brief respites from the suffering. When this happens, the victim’s brain associates the abuser with the very temporary safety they provided. This creates a chemical reaction that bonds the victim with their abuser.
They focus on the “good” moments and convince themselves that he will change (or they can change him). When the abuse returns, so does the cycle. It may sound obvious, but abuse can be difficult to initially recognize.
5 Signs You Have a Trauma Bond
1. You Make Excuses For Your Partner
Does this type of statement sound familiar?
It’s how they show love.
I deserved it.
It’s my fault; I made them do it.
You don’t know them like I do.
Excuses like this are transparent to other people. To you, they sound and feel real.
2. Keeping Secrets
To avoid even having to make excuses, you decide to hide what’s happening. The abuser may already be keeping you isolated. At some point, the trauma bond can become strong enough that you’ll cut off anyone who questions the situation.
3. You Feel Like You Can’t Leave
In extreme cases, a victim could be physically prevented from leaving. What we’re talking about here is a sense that you “can’t live without them.” This doesn’t mean threats are not happening. It means that the trauma has reached a point where the victim can’t imagine not being with the abuser.
4. Trying to Please Your Partner
As touched on above, abusers often offer brief moments of relief. Your brain craves these moments. Thus, you start doing anything and everything you can to please your partner. In the stress of the situation, you may see this path as logical. It provides you an opportunity for relief, and you hope it keeps you from suffering even more abuse.
5. You Believe You Can Change Them
Through it all, you can only focus on somehow making it work. You recall the “good old days” and convince yourself that you can bring them back. You can change them. Even if you can’t make them more loving, you believe you can make them less abusive. The onus is on you to figure out how to change your partner.
Getting Help is Crucial
If you feel you are in immediate danger, please find a way to call a local resource (Peace Over Violence, in Los Angeles) or the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If you recognize the above signs but feel they are less urgent, we invite you to seek therapy. A skilled therapist can help provide perspective and help you work through feelings of ambivalence or anxiety without shaming you or rushing you. The last thing someone needs is another person telling them what to do. Prospect Therapy offers a variety of individual and group therapy options to help you learn to listen to your inner voice and begin taking up space.
Read more about Intimate Partner Violence here.