Any person invested in their own growth will eventually question - how do I know when I’m asking for too much? Am I being fair? Am I going overboard with my boundaries now that I finally learned how helpful they can be?
If you’re uncomfortable speaking up for yourself, most of your personal work (with or without therapy) has probably been learning how to set boundaries. #EveryoneLovesBoundaries!
When it comes to setting and carrying out boundaries, we want to push ourselves to grow and improve, but we also want to be accountable. This can feel like a circus act sometimes. So where’s the balance between asking and demanding?
What are boundaries?
We’ve written before about how to set boundaries, if you want to take a deep dive into setting them for yourself. But for a short recap, a boundary is another word for a limit.
This can sound something like: I don’t need to control everything, I just need to figure out my limit and then say something about it.
They may feel like a set of rules you’re setting for other people, but in actuality, they are limits you’re setting for yourself. There can be a fine line between these two categories, which definitely takes some self awareness to figure out. Sometimes we think we struggle within a certain environment - but really, it’s only a few qualities of that environment we can’t stand. The best way to think about it without feeling guilting is by saying:
The boundary isn’t about the other person - it’s about me.
As we grow and gain new experiences, we also begin to learn what behaviors from the people around us that we tolerate and those we don’t. When we enter new relationships, as we create healthy lines of communication, we express our expectations — essentially, we set boundaries.
However, what happens when the other person doesn’t respect these boundaries?
When your limits are being questioned or pushed, it can lead you to spiral down a variety of explanations in your head. This can manifest in people:
Questioning themselves: Maybe I wasn’t clear enough.
Making excuses or giving rationalizations: Maybe they were having a bad day.
Internalizing the shortcomings of the other person: Maybe I was asking for too much.
All of these options could be true for the other person. We can always account for other visible or invisible factors at the time. It’s also so incredibly important to understand that other people may have their own boundaries and limitations on what they can offer us. However, you always have the choice to decide if the situation is something you can or cannot accept in that moment.
Boundaries help keep you in check.
When you set a boundary in a relationship, you’re not just setting it for another person. The boundary is really a limit around YOU. Setting your personal limits will both protect you and hold you accountable. Boundaries are meant to help keep you responsible for your behavior. But when you set them, you hope that others will respect that.
For example, if you have an emotional trauma that is triggering to discuss, you may ask your loved ones to refrain from bringing up sensitive topics. If you’ve struggled with addiction, you may inform your new partner that you don’t want to drink, smoke, or use drugs and ask that they respect those limitations.
We all have free choices to make, even within oppressive systems. So we hope that others will respect our limits, but we can’t compel them to. If they don’t, then it’s important to follow through and show consequences as a result. Boundaries, within reason, are a great way to set standards in your relationships, and keep yourself accountable for your behaviors, too.
So, how do you set boundaries?
When you want to set boundaries in your relationships, you need to consider a few different things based on your experiences.
First, think about your core values and beliefs. Leaning into what truly matters most to you as a person will give you end-all, be-all motivators that will guide you along the way.
Next, consider past issues that have cropped up in other situations or relationships. What behaviors, in both romantic relationships and friendships, raised red flags? And make sure you check back on your past behaviors, asking how you could have behaved better in these relationships.
Remember, boundaries are not only about other people’s behavior but they’re about keeping your behaviors in check, too. When you’re setting your boundaries with others, keep in mind that you are also asking them to hold you accountable for your actions. Sometimes boundaries are most complicated than a list of do’s and don'ts, however.
Good boundaries are firm but flexible.
It may seem counterintuitive to have flexible limits, but the “flexible” part comes into play with time in individual situations or with certain people. Perhaps you don’t like talking about your love life with your family. This can be a great example of a firm but flexible boundary.
So how would it be flexible? Let’s dive into an example situation.
Perhaps you’re in a queer relationship, and it hasn’t always gone over well with your family. So you’ve made it clear to them that you don’t like talking about your love life. They think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask about your partner, but it feels like every time they do, they end up making phobic comments and jokes that aren’t funny.
Your first response might be, “Don’t bring this up ever.” They’ve probably hurt you with things said in the past, so it’s entirely understandable that this is a sensitive topic. But this can become a flexible boundary when it’s phrased: “If you don’t have something nice to say about my partner, please don’t bring it up.” As long as they generally respect that, there is more room for forgiveness since anyone can make a mistake.
Here a few ways this flexibility can play out:
You can be flexible when... they ask by accident at a family gathering once in a while.Instead of exploding on them for bringing it up, you can brush it off and change the subject. If it doesn’t happen all the time, it may be more awkward to not acknowledge your relationship than to simply acknowledge your relationship and move on.
You can be flexible if... they only bring up your love life around you respectfully in private.In this closer conversation, you can have more control over the direction it takes. There’s a much higher chance the conversation will go fine. Although you don’t like the topic, you can get out of there without any negative sentiment.
You can be flexible if... they are asking about your relationship in general. This can be questions not specifically about your partner, such as, “Does your partner like your new apartment?” It’s not that you don’t want them acknowledging your relationship at all, just that you don’t like certain topics, questions, or jokes. This can make it much easier to stay within boundaries without freezing them out.
There is much more flexibility than we realize when it comes to boundaries, especially in complicated relationships or dynamics. There are so many ways it can be customized for your unique situation. Maybe it’s in how often you choose to allow this flexibility: “I can’t be flexible all the time, but once in a while is OK.” Or perhaps the flexibility is only in certain situations: “It’s okay if the situation is in private but not at work.” And maybe the flexibility is only to a certain degree: “I don’t mind if you ask, but don’t get too in my business.”
How you follow through on this is key. You may express your concerns and give them time to adapt, which may eventually lead to setting an ultimatum.
When should I set an ultimatum?
An ultimatum is a consequence for when a boundary is not respected.
These can be trickier than boundaries because ultimatums focus more on someone else’s behavior instead of your own. When you’ve made your boundaries clear in a situation or relationship and someone is consistently disregarding them, it may be worth it to consider setting an ultimatum.
For example, let’s say you told your new partner that you don’t drink. You don’t want to feel pressure to drink, so you’d be more comfortable if they don’t drink around you. However, instead of respecting your boundary, your partner continuously drinks around you and encourages you to do the same.
At this point, you may tell your partner that they need to stop this behavior or your relationship will not continue — this is an ultimatum.
It’s not really fair to either of you if your starting point is the ultimatum.
But unfortunately, that's often the first time people may notice you're setting a boundary. So this can lead to the other person thinking you're starting at the ultimatum, when in fact you've tried to assert limits multiple times.
It can be really easy to get flustered when you’re holding true to boundaries or making ultimatums. This can be especially difficult if you are a people-pleaser, have anxiety, or feel particularly vulnerable around a certain topic.
But keeping in mind the specific times you've tried to set a limit can help reinforce your side of the story. For example, maybe you have fallen into the role of "nagging partner" and start to believe it is the only thing you’ve ever been. However, having examples of times you were not "nagging" will recalibrate the narrative.
This can be expressed by saying something like, “I know you think I’m the squeaky nagging wheel, but that hasn't been the case in a long time. I used to be like that, but in the past few months, here are examples of times I didn't do that..” This can set you up for making an ultimatum if it’s come to that..
Deciding to Set an Ultimatum
Ultimatums are typically a last resort. But it is important to value your boundaries and limits. If you make ultimatums and don’t stick to them, it will only harm you in the long run. If your partner or friend constantly ignores your boundaries, you may want to consider ending the relationship. If their behavior has a negative or unhealthy impact on your life, you should explain this to them and work to move on.
It’s not easy ending relationships, but sometimes it truly is for the best. If you do want to attempt to make the relationship work or you have attempted to repeatedly make your boundaries clear to no avail, then you may have to resort to setting an ultimatum.
Relationships are complex, and navigating them can be difficult. But most importantly, remember that you are the one in charge of your life. While you can expect certain behaviors of others, you also need to expect the same standards from yourself. You deserve that.
Healthy and mutual boundaries can work exceptionally well if you remember to:
Be transparent with your friends, partners, and family members.
Set boundaries and allow them to establish theirs.
Hold each other accountable for your actions.
If you’re struggling with boundaries or ultimatums, remember that you can always seek professional help. You don’t have to struggle through this difficult emotional work alone! A therapist can help you understand when to set boundaries better and how they can benefit your relationships. They can also help you determine if and when you should set ultimatums. Ultimately, your happiness is at stake, and you deserve that fully.
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Prospect Therapy is a queer + trans affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA, with a focus on mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy for a variety of mental wellness and relationship concerns to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we bring lived experience to our work with LGBTQ+ folks of all ages in our communities by requesting a consultation below.