Couples therapy can be an effective way to improve your relationship, but finding a therapist who is LGBTQ affirming is crucial for couples in the queer and trans communities. This is true whether you are in a queer presenting relationship, or seem to be “straight passing.” Here are some things to consider when looking for an LGBTQ affirming couples therapist:
Does the therapist have experience working with LGBTQ couples?
Yes, trainings and skills matter. So does lived personal experience. Don’t forget to ask about experience with queer clients. This can include how long they've been practicing, when was their first or last queer couple, when was their most recent training, and how many couples have they seen.
None of these is a guarantee that the therapist will be right for you, of course. But their ability to answer these questions will give you a sense of how competent and confident your therapist is with clients like you.
It is important to find a therapist who has experience working with LGBTQ couples and understands the unique challenges they face. A therapist who is familiar with the LGBTQ community can provide a safe and accepting environment for couples to work through their issues.
Does the therapist use gender-neutral language and inclusive terminology?
OK, language is always changing. People misspeak. Again, memorizing the “right language” doesn’t guarantee anything, but it definitely helps.
The truth is, you want your therapist to see you as you are, not to be really good at memorizing the right words.
An LGBTQ affirming therapist may tend to use gender-neutral language and inclusive terminology that reflects the diversity of the LGBTQ community. This includes using the correct pronouns for each partner and avoiding assumptions about gender and sexual orientation.
Does the therapist understand the impact of discrimination and stigma on LGBTQ relationships?
Discrimination and stigma can have a significant impact on LGBTQ relationships, and an affirming therapist should be aware of these issues.
No, not every issue you have is because of your queerness. (If someone blames your identity for your problems…ummm think twice.) But your identity and experiences can’t be ignored when considering the impact of power struggles and levels of safety within the relationship and in the context of your life.
A skilled and affirming therapist will be able to sense when it is useful to examine your identity, and when it is harmful to do so.
Does the therapist prioritize the needs and goals of EACH partner?
In an affirming therapy environment, each partner should feel heard and valued. The therapist should prioritize the needs and goals of each partner, regardless of their gender identity or sexual orientation.
An affirming therapist will not center cis/hetero relationship norms, but will build the therapy around your specific relationship. They will also be able to pull in other relevant information that actually applies to you, rather than try to make one of you conform.
Therapists differ on their philosophy about “taking sides,” in therapy. Some may say it’s best to try to remain impartial and treat each person equally. Others may take into account the fact that some partners carry more oppressive baggage, or due to their personal traumas may have more obstacles to claiming their own power. In those cases, a therapist may find it is actually therapeutic to empower one partner more than the other, as an acknowledgment of the power imbalance. Ask your therapist how they approach power imbalances in the relationship - it will tell you what’s underneath their website jargon or affirming language.
Principles of Affirming Therapy
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Does the therapist offer a safe and non-judgmental space for couples to explore their identities?
An affirming therapist should provide a safe and non-judgmental space for couples to explore their identities and how they impact their relationship. An affirming therapist will not “cheerlead” or overly encourage someone to explore something they are not ready or interested in exploring.
Some people really wish they were polyamorous, but they’re not. Some people feel pressure to continue to explore gender transition even during times when the cost feels too great. An affirming therapist will not assume a destination, and will leave room for this exploration.
In conclusion, finding an LGBTQ affirming couples therapist is crucial for couples in the LGBTQ community. By considering factors such as the therapist's experience working with LGBTQ couples, their use and understanding of gender-neutral language and inclusive terminology, their acknowledgment of discrimination and stigma, their prioritization of each partners' needs and goals, and their provision of a safe and non-judgmental space for exploration, couples can find a therapist who can help them improve their relationship in an affirming and supportive way.
Read more about Couples Therapy here.