You can’t choose your family. It’s fair even to say that you can’t choose what qualities and characteristics you inherit from your family. Things like mental health disorders and codependency patterns can be passed along from generation to generation without skipping a beat. Extreme family dependency entails thinking, behaviors, and feelings. On the outside, it can appear to be a close family relationship, but at its core, the very opposite is true…it’s a toxic pattern that leads to other issues.
Have hope, though. There are ways to overcome it and change dynamics to something more positive. It isn’t easy, but it is possible. Here are a few starting points.
What is a toxic family dynamic?
A family dynamic that is dangerous for your mental health depends on a variety of factors. There isn’t one definition or answer - and be wary of anyone who says there is.
We have to consider generational patterns, cultural norms and expectations, and the context in which your family developed. That’s not to say these things are excuses for abuse or harming each other. However there does need to be acknowledgment that just because a dynamic seems strange to an outsider, it doesn’t mean it’s harmful.
Besides, the word “toxic” gets thrown around a lot.
Some signs of an unhealthy family dynamic might be:
You don’t see yourself the way they see you.
Your sense of the truth is consistently dismissed, devalued, or questioned.
You are emotionally destabilized and feel like you have to walk on eggshells around them.
There is actual physical, emotional or other abuse.
This is by no means an exhaustive list. Everyone has peeves and disagreements. However if you see a persistent pattern and there is no true repair or acknowledgment happening, it might be time to set some limits around your time together.
How to deal with a toxic family member
The more you know, the more tools you will have in your toolbox to help you. The key to making any change is to know a problem exists. Dependency can take on a number of different forms within a family unit.
Controlling behaviors from one or multiple members, hovering parent-child relationships, and being involved in areas where one shouldn’t be are indications of this type of dependency. So are feelings of chaos during family gatherings, making excuses for one another, and an atmosphere of having to prove yourselves to one another. Dependency can take on a form of loving and passive behavior, but also anger and manipulation.
Taking accountability for your relationships
Start with yourself and analyze how you behave with your family. Are there any glaring red flags that you notice? Do you find yourself behaving differently around certain people or feeling uncomfortable in certain scenarios?
Then look at each member of the family. Do you notice any helicopter parenting? Are children playing too big of a role in parental caretaking? Is a certain someone always having excuses made for their poor choices/behaviors, which are then brushed off and made to be normal behaviors?
Be observant of what takes place. The line between having a healthy family bond and a toxic dependency can be thin at times. Start opening yourself to these patterns and behaviors.
What to do if your family is affectiNG your mental health
Writing is a powerful healing tool for many things. Whatever your journaling method, whether it be a notebook, a computer, a voice note, or a phone app, find something that works for you. Use this process to document your thoughts and emotions or to take notes after family gatherings. It is a safe space for you to keep track of patterns. It is also a way to begin to process your findings. What do you feel about the revelations you have made?
Set Boundaries with toxic family members
So much dependency stems from a lack of boundaries or having them steamrolled in one way or another. Once you have established there are unhealthy relationships or patterns with specific people, it is time to set new boundaries to change the narrative.
Practice being assertive. It may take some time to be successful. Write about what your goals for boundaries are, what goes well, and what poses a challenge. Use that feedback to make changes and act as a practice run before presenting it to your family. Your journal can also aid in this process.
Seek Professional Help
Dependency issues can certainly be addressed with the help of a professional. There are options for individual therapy, family therapy, or couples therapy. Maybe you start on your own first and modify along the process.
Certain obstacles like stigma, cost, availability of a therapist, or buy-in from the necessary parties exist, but don’t give up that hope. Healthy family relationships are worth the fight.
If you are looking for further assistance, schedule an appointment with us, and let’s see how we can help.
Read more about Culturally Affirming Therapy here.