Anyone who has ever worked in a customer service job knows the literal pain that comes from smiling at customers for eight hours. The numb cheeks and glazed-over eyes as you answer the same question for the twelfth time that hour. Sometimes you get home and can’t stay up; you're so physically exhausted.
But sometimes this heaviness comes from more than an overtime barista shift. What about always cleaning up after office birthday parties because you feel responsible for everyone else? Maybe it’s the time spent proofreading your emails and adding in exclamation points or emojis to make sure you don’t sound too mean.
There is an unspoken expectation that weighs down the shoulders of oppressed and marginalized groups of people who are often forced to maintain a level of dissonance between how they truly feel and what society around them deems correct to feel: emotional labor.
This is why Black and POC communities are tired. This is why trans and nonbinary communities are tired. This is why women are tired. This is why disabled, neurodiverse, working class, fat, and other oppressed friends and loved ones are tired.
On top of the actual labor it takes to live day to day, they are saddled with Emotional Labor too.
Emotional Labor 101
Emotional labor is the unseen and often thankless work put in to meet an expectation or standard, even though it doesn’t match how you genuinely feel. These standards are often created without you and people like you in mind.
This regulation of one’s feelings creates cognitive dissonance, or a mismatched idea of expected emotions and actual felt emotions. Living in a constant state of cognitive dissonance can be extremely difficult, leading to intense mental and physical exhaustion.
Emotional labor is often a feminist issue because the large majority of this work falls on to women, especially women of color.
In a patriarchal society, the standard has been set for women to pick up the emotionally laborious work, as it falls into a category of “matronly duties,” even when you’re not in a mothering role. In the workplace, this can include rote tasks such as:
Censoring yourself to maintain a cheerful and positive mood at all times.
Always making the office coffee, even if you don’t drink it.
Being responsible for checking in on new employees and mentoring them, even if you aren’t in HR or their department.
But emotional labor is not just a workplace issue.
Patriarchal standards of gender roles play out in our personal lives as much as our professional ones. In relationships of every type, women are often expected to bear the vast majority of this unsung work:
Always lending a listening ear and emotional support with your friends, since they always call you the “mom of the group.”
Maintaining the social calendar for your partner, making sure you both remain active in individual social circles.
Cleaning the dishes with your mom after making dinner even though your brother has never been asked to do it.
This type of labor can be complicated, because even if it does have misogynist beginnings, it isn’t automatically wrong or bad work to be done. These tasks have to be completed in some way or another, and often they are done out of love, care, and joy.
Sometimes emotional labor is too much.
Just like the physical toll heavy labor will put on your body after years in a demanding job, emotional labor can wear you down over time. Even if you’re an extroverted person with a strong support network, this new layer of work can slowly wear away at you.
Carrying the brunt of emotional labor can be extremely frustrating. When we’ve heard people explain the work they do behind-the-scenes that’s never noticed, the levels of pain and exhaustion are audible. It is extremely frustrating to be the one in charge of all these important unsung duties with nobody acknowledging the work you’re putting in, and honestly, no clear way to shake things up without aggressive confrontation.
Many times when this subject is brought up, it’s attributed to “nagging” or being “loud and aggressive” or “having an attitude.” But these are most likely just stereotypes placed onto conversations that are completely justified. The sheer work of even attempting to create a safe space to share feelings ends up becoming an emotional labor unto itself, perpetuating the problem at hand and leaving the laborer even more beat down.
The damage of this emotional lift can ripple out as well.
Many people who benefit from this level of emotional labor don’t even realize they have the privilege of benefitting from it. This lack of awareness only continues to perpetuate the systems in place that bind these marginalized groups to emotional work.
Maintaining this level of emotional labor discrepancy also sets an example for those around you, specifically younger kids who may look up to you. These gender roles can be unknowingly harmful, setting a standard for how they think they should be treated by partners, loved ones, friends, managers, or coworkers.
So where do you even start?
Find your people.
It is incredibly healing to spend time with people who “get it” without you having to explain it. Who will see through excuses and call it what it is, rather than immediately challenging your feelings with “critical thinking.”
We’re talking about how the new workplace dress code singles you out. How even good friends switch up the words they use with you. How frequently you are asked to co-sign things you don’t agree with.
Being yourself is true intimacy and relationship.
At times, however, the issue may be too close to home. A friend or loved one may not have the capacity to help you through your struggle. They may not be neutral all the time. They may even be the one causing it.
This is where a therapist comes in.
Feminist and affirming therapists help by building a safe space for you to begin processing the emotional labor in your life, giving you a chance to grow and heal from it.
When the world feels like too much, especially with incredibly difficult issues being in the spotlight right now such as collective grief, social justice, and power stratas, it can be hard to figure out where you land and how you feel about it. As your therapist, we can help create a working dialogue to begin. You can work through complicated emotions and processes in a comfortable, opening space dedicated for you to learn and process.
You can focus on YOU instead of everyone around you.
Sometimes emotional labor can involve multiple people. Learning how to communicate with anyone can be difficult, but solidifying that process with a loved one, such as a partner or family member, can be painstakingly difficult. This is where a couples therapist or family therapist can help. The emotional labor of creating an arena for different voices to be heard and understood is done for you, allowing each person to share their side when they need to be heard.
“Processing your own processes” can be the ultimate level of emotional labor, but your therapist is there to help take on some of the labor of exploring the unheard "weaker" parts of yourself, especially in those times when you don't have energy to do it. This can be your inner critic, your inner child, internalized phobia or oppression, shame around “passing” privilege, model minority privilege or buying in to respectability politics... Whatever those dark sides may be, you don’t have to be the only one pulling them into the light.
A therapist can’t do all the emotional labor for you, but they can help you finish the job.
No matter what type of emotional labor you’re taking on, we’re here to help you feel safe and give you the space to share your vulnerabilities as you proactively face that emotional labor. Therapy is a place where you can put that burden down.
Prospect Therapy is an LGBTQ+ affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA. We focus on queer + trans mental health as well as mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we support individuals, teens, couples, and families in our communities by requesting a consultation below.